Monday, April 12, 2010

Day 247 – Ask Jax - Part 9

April 12th, 2010

This is the 9th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Do these pants make me look fat? I mean you can be honest. I will NOT be offended. – Jarod Kearney, Staunton, Virginia

Jax’s Answer - Your pants make you look smart. Not like MENSA smart. More like your high school guidance counselor saying, “Jarod would be well suited for a mildly reputable state school.” Heads up. Today’s Man is having a sale on skirts. For men. Of today.

The new double down sandwich at KFC... how many people will be put in the hospital due to this "sandwich"? - Diana Sause, Poughkeepsie, New York

Jax’s Answer - The majority of people in red states are destined for hospitalization. Anyone who’s been perusing their favorite “genetically manipulated organism" blogs has heard about KFC’s newest heart attack waiting to happen, the Double Down sandwich. What gastrointestinal system wouldn't want a visit from two slabs of fried chicken holding together two pieces of bacon, melted mucusy slices of monterey jack and pepper jack cheese and the Colonel’s special toxic sauce? It’s my understanding that the Double Down was first introduced in Providence, Rhode Island and Omaha, Nebraska. The test markets all agreed that, “It tastes like death. But the good kind.” In the mist of this cholesterol-palooza, there are some other notable populations that are suffering the consequences of this new fast food darling. Cardiologist visits have gone up 1800%.... leaving these heart specialists suffering from severe exhaustion. Unable to accommodate all ailing victims of an item intended for population control, our nation’s podiatrists have volunteered to serve the surplus. Buns have also been protesting their dismissal. In strip malls across America, the forgotten bread has been chanting their battle cry that is in no way connected to their cause. “Stop the Lying. Stop the Hate. Separate the church and state!”

If you have to type LOL, are you really going to do it, how often does anybody actually LOL when they are by themselves anyway? I have made a personal vow never to type LOL ever again, so this is the first and last 3 times i ever will do it. Mark Deutsch – City Unknown, United sates

Jax’s Answer - I’m ashamed to admit that your inquiry leaves “Ask Jax” perplexed. I just assumed LOL was the acronym for Lots of Labia.

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