April 20th, 2010
Dear Men Who Love the Primitive Act of Grilling,
Heads up. I have broken your code. All winter, I have been doing extensive research on the microfiche in the media center at my local technical community college as to why the majority of your testosterone driven species seem to be born with a genetic disposition towards the grill.
It is irrefutable that exposing edibles to radiant heat encompasses all that is your manhood. Real or perceived.
After delving into my man/grill investigation, I have broken down my findings in the following approach: A man’s aptitude, fundamental nature and sexual prowess can be determined by three things: THE TYPE OF GRILL HE USES, WHERE HE GRILLS and WHAT HE GRILLS.
TYPES OF GRILLS –
- Gas and Electric Grills – According to my studies, these two preferences translates to this: You like your grilling like you like your women: Fast, clean and easy.
- Charcoal Grill – If you use this trusty old classic outdoor grill, you’re an old fashion guy who brings his lady flowers, holds doors open and generally tries to treat women with respect. Downside, you have 3rd degree burns on your face from a freak lighter fluid accident.
- Portable Grill –The transportable grill is synonymous with the actuality that you have a hard time committing. Deciding whether you should take the grill on camping trips, to the beach or to a park is equivalent to wavering between being with the powerhouse career woman, the sweet girl next door or a hooker. Name Cheyenne.
- If you don’t own a grill. – You live in a rental. People laugh at your W-2’s.
WHERE YOU GRILL –
- On the Balcony – You’re an investment banker. If you’re in the penthouse...you're a douche.
- Suburban Backyard – If asked , “So Bob...how’s life treatin’ ya?”….You respond with, “Livin’ the dream.”
- On the Street with Neighbors in an Urban City – You lean towards voyeurism, lounge chairs and beer koozies.
WHAT YOU GRILL
- Salmon – Although you have a PhD in Microbiology, you have not mastered sexual aptitude and your highest degree in love making is a BFA in the missionary position.
- Chicken - You have never left your hometown. If you blacken the chicken, you did go to Cancun once. And came back with a collection of shot glasses.
- Calamari - You’re adventurous. Girls like that. Just be careful not to bungee jump at a low rent traveling carnival that brags about having extra long bungee cords.
- Vegetable Shish Kabobs – As my friend Julie Cohen says, "I don’t trust men that are vegetarians. Never have. Never will.”
- Hebrew National Hot Dogs - You’re on J-date. If you apply Gulden’s Mustard, you’ve been on J-Date since it debuted in 1997. To deteriorate the situation even further, you insist on showing your friends your 20 year old Bar Mitzvah party tape. On betamax.
- Steak - You film yourself having sex. Your partner doesn’t know. But you don't know she has herpes.