April 2nd, 2010
This is the 7th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Will Steve Guttenberg ever win an Oscar? - Dara Podber Albright, Atlanta, Georgia
Jax’s Answer: I loathe being the messenger of dread and sorrow… but Steve Guttenberg is fated to forever leave the Academy Awards Oscarless. If he’s even invited. It’s simply impossible for him to repeat the effects and nuanced grace of his performance in “Short Circuit”. Failed actors turned movie critics for small town newspapers in red states all agree that Mr.Guttenberg simply lost himself in this brave, stirring and tremendously dignified performance.“As scientist Newton Crosby, he delivered lines that left no one with a dry eye:
- “Howard it's hard to say, it's malfunctioning, it may not do anything.”
- “I don't know; I guess it can't triangulate its position.”
- “No, what?”
It pains me to deliver an unsettling answer. If I can extend any solace to you sweet Dana, know that Guttenberg has won an Oscar. In my heart.
Is cat urine love or spite? Neil James, Brooklyn, New York.
Jax's Answer: It depends on the circumstances. If the cat uses the litter box and covers the liquid waste in the shape of a heart, then you are loved. Bonus if kitty can write you a message with her urine. For example, “Neil, you’re tops! You know how to pamper a pussy.” Be aware that you are deeply spited when your cat pisses on the faces of burly white gay men. Known as “Bears” in some circles. What? You fit that description. Your cat is uncool. And homophobic. 3 words: Feline tolerance camp. Stat.
I'm frying up a whole chicken tonight. I hear peanut oil is best, but I have an allergy! Help! - Jon Reitzes, Brooklyn, New York
Jax’s Answer. Preparing this delicacy to precision doesn’t lie with the oil. It’s the chicken. Or so called chicken. KFC knows how to deliver fried chicken-licious goodness. Use a "genetically manipulated organism". Substitute chicken with biological entities that have been altered using scientific engineering techniques. Your family is sure to approve. And your 4 year old will grow breasts. (This post has been endorsed by my pasty angry vegan following. Both of them.)