April 11th, 2010
(Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are standing by a pinball machine during happy hour at a dive bar called The Itch. Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burnin' for You” is playing on the jukebox.)
Chlamydia – Gonorrhea, I think it’s great that we make the effort to meet up periodically to discuss business.
Gonorrhea – I am too Chlamydia. Remind me, why can’t Syphilis and Herpes make it?
Chlamydia – Herpes got a gig with Eliot Spitzer and Syphilis went to England to research his ancestry.
Gonorrhea - That’s right! His roots go back to Henry VIII.
Chlamydia – And Christopher Columbus…
Gonorrhea - Syphilis is old school. We’re lucky to know him. Look. There’s Bladder Infection!
Chlamydia - Man. She’s so smokin’ hot. Even though she’s not technically a STD, I’d still love to get a piece of that urinary tract.
(Gonorrhea waves her down and she walks over)
Bladder Infection – Hey guys.
Chlamydia – Bladder Infection…it’s been a while. You’re looking well. Where've ya been?
Bladder Infection – I was out of commission for a few weeks. I had a nice gig with a promiscuous college girl with low self esteem. God bless insecure women.
Chlamydia – Seriously
Bladder Infection – Anyways, I was under the impression that it was going to be a long term assignment until she drank cranberry juice, took antibiotics and became less desirable after putting on the freshman 15. No one wanted to see her naked.
Gonorrhea – Yeah...that really affects our numbers.
Chlamydia - I’m gonna get a drink. Can I get you guys anything?
Gonorrhea – Sure, I’ll have a rohypnol tonic with a splash of spermical lubricant.
(Chlamydia walks to the bar and HIV and HPV walk out of the bathroom to join the group)
Bladder Infection – HIV. HPV. Wow, you were in there for a while. So, business well?
HPV - Never been better. According to STD prevention pamphlets, 50% of the population have me.
Bladder Infection – That’s great! And HIV?
HIV – Work is going well. My handlers got Magic Johnson to endorse me and that’s significantly helped my image.
Gonorrhea - That sounds positive. I mean...HIV positive.
HIV – Thanks Gonorrhea. Oh Jesus. The condoms just walked in. (Yells over)..Hey condoms! You’re not welcome here.
(Surrounded by his posse, the leader of the condoms, Magnum, walks over.)
Magnum - We just came with a message for you all. We’ve been working out and are more waterproof, elastic and durable than ever.
HPV – That means nothing to us. Too many of our targets are naïve, alcoholics and bad decision makers.
(Magnum and HPV get face to face and are held back before a brawl ensues.)
Magnum – Just watch your back. Lamb skin is making a comeback.
(Condoms walk away)
Bladder Infection – They’re such Dicks. Hey! Check it out! Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton and Jesse James are over by the pool table.
Gonorrhea - Let’s get to work guys. Questionable discharge is our business. And business looks good!
(They all high-five)