Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 251 - Facebook Detox

April 16th, 2010

Facebook addiction is one of the most complicated addictions for you to overcome. Your nervous system becomes accustomed to accommodating constant time wasting, exposure to posting pictures that you wrongly assume are sexy and silly (at the same time) and reconnecting with people you didn’t like to begin with. Facebook detoxification has excruciating withdrawal symptoms that begin within 15 hours of not logging on and peak after five to seven business days. The symptoms include: nausea, the urge to revisit Friendster and, diarrhea, chronic masturbation while watching straight to video movies, abdominal pain, getting along better with your mother, chills and coming to terms that you’re really not a “Fan of Bea Arthur”.

Help me. Help you.

Jax’s Tips for Facebook Detox:

• Surround yourself with a support system of people over 65 who just don’t understand the appeal of this “interweb” thing.

• Once withdrawal symptoms set in, the best things to do is bundle up in a maroon colored Snuggie and ride it out.

• At about the fourth day, you might be able to incorporate solid foods back into your diet. Eat as if you’re recovering from a regrettable one night stand. Start off with beef jerky, KFC’s new Double Down sandwich and dry cat food. Tender Vittles is best.

• Tell your diary how you're feeling. In Dutch.

• A bit of gentle physical activity is good as it releases “feel good” hormones in your body. Richard Simmons’ “Sweatin’ with Mean Drunks” comes highly recommended.

• Disturbed sleep is a normal part of Facebook withdrawal. In your dreams, you have a 73% chance of being visited by Freddy Krueger, a serial-killer with fingers of razor sharp blades. Caution: The scream that wakes you … might be your own.

• You could gain strength from others with addictions to eating dirt, geriatric porn and tapping on hubcaps 5 to 6 times. With sporks.

• By the end of the week, your detox symptoms will have lessened. Although you'll still feel weak, you might be feeling well enough to leave the house. Going to loiter in a gas station parking lot could be helpful at this time.

If you make the commitment to follow my Facebook detox tips, your life will no longer have zest, fun and meaning…but you’re no longer at risk of losing your spouse because of a Facebook emotional affair with your high school sweetheart.

Remember:If you're tempted to have a Facebook relapse, not only are you poking the people you love…you’re really just poking yourself.

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