April 7th, 2010
This is the 8th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Dear Jax: Please reconcile the following paradox: Pinocchio’s nose only grows when he lies. If he says "my nose will now grow" and it grows, then he wasn't lying. If his nose doesn't grow, then he is lying... but shouldn't his nose grow? Please help as this issue has made me incontinent for days.
- Matt Schwarz, Winston Salem, North Carolina.
Jax’s Answer – Matt, yes indeed, this inconstancy has perplexed fairytale historians for years. Luckily I can shed some insight because I dated Pinocchio briefly in 1883. First let me say that P’s elderly, impoverished woodcarving creator, Geppetto, never approved of our union. I was a live person and he was a fictional character. I celebrated Hanukkah and Pinocchio partook in Kwanzaa rituals. I ate meat and he was…vegan. A little self righteous in fact. Pinocchio suffered from FNS. Flaccid Nose Syndrome. The stress and fatigue of being a lead character in a bestselling fairy tale was the catalyst for much angst that resulted with performance anxiety. His nose would lose momentum before he could blow it. Devastating. This segued into a psychological disorder that lead him to interpret all truths as lies and all lies as truths. My puppet began a mental spiral. Downward. Then his nose just gave out on him. At first we were able to overcome the strain this caused our relationship because of open and honest communication. Once that dissipated, I felt it was best to move on and date other little boys from fairy tales like Peterpan, Little Boy Blew and Hansel. I also had a brief lesbian stint. With Gretel.
Do you think someone's personality can be determined by the direction that they choose to put a toilet paper roll on the holder? I know some people prefer it to be "over" and some "under".
- Pamela Mohr Weinstein, New York, New York
Jax’s answer: From what I’ve not thoroughly researched in the toilet paper annals (ironic..yes), there are perceived stereotypes claiming that a person’s over/under preference determines their character. Real or perceived generalizations tell us that straight-lacers are uppers and free spirits are downers. I propose a challenge: Step out of your comfort zone and do the opposite the next time you change your toilet paper. Your ability to overcome the familiar will be conscience altering and create a sense of well being and calm. You will leave your toilet knowing that it is possible to create a world where unders and overs live together. In harmony. Wiping in unison. Without judgment.
Where's the restroom? - Ken Miller, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Jax’s answer -Sorry. Restrooms are for customers only. If you buy a casket, the bathroom is the second door on the left. Past the urns.