Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 260 – Contraceptives Have Feelings Too

April 25th, 2010

(Condom, The Pill and Dental Dam are gathered by the stairs at a fraternity party.)

Condom – I don’t even know why we even bother coming to these frat parties. No one talks to us. It's bewildering. Look at me. I’m cool. I’m edgy.(Yells across the room to a group of toga wearing college students doing keg stands.) For the love of God, I glow in the dark! In neon green!

The Pill – I know condom. But there is always the minimal chance that a coed will be sober enough to give us some consideration.

Dental Dam – least people are familiar with you two. I was getting pedicures last week with Female Condom, Diaphragm and Sponge. It seems as if people are intimidated by us because we’re so “complicated.”

Condom – I imagine that’s not easy Dental Dam. The interest in me seems to be disappearing like teardrops in the rain… but at least I still get to travel to exotic places. Even if I never get unwrapped.

The Pill –You lucky latex! What trips do you have coming up?

Condom – Let’s see. I’ll be in a wicker basket in the reception area of Planned Parenthood, then I travel to a teenage boy’s Velcro wallet and finally to an assisted living home in New Jersey.

Dental Dam - Really? An old age home?(Looks at Condom and The Pill startled)

The Pill – Don’t look at me. Not my demographic.

Condom – It’s true. Seniors are fucking like bunnies. I’m there to support them, but they seldom employ me. Their time is limited so contracting an STD is actually appealing. At 95, its way more respected to die of syphilis than heart disease.

(All nod in agreement)

Dental Dam - (Takes out a flier) - I ran into Roofie at the Student Union and he’s offering a seminar called, “How to Present Yourself Effectively in Order to Make Your Dreams Come True While Shattering the Lives Of Others."

The Pill – I don’t know guys. Roofie sketches me out. I just have a bad vibe.

Condom - Why?

The Pill – I met him at freshman orientation and we hung out one night doing shots of spermicidal lubricant. We were laughing and seemed to be connecting because we both grew up as tablets. But then…then...(getting upset)

Dental Dam – (Empathetic) - Oh come here sweetie (hugging Pill)…what happened?

The Pill – (Weepy) – The next morning, I woke up in his bottle...and I wasn’t wearing my pink hard shell covering. I was so ashamed. I just grabbed my milligrams and ran back to my pill case.

Condom - That bastard! (Turns away and makes a cell phone call)

Dental Dam – (Soothing Pill) – Oh honey. You don’t have to go through this alone. We’re here for you. You do need to get tested...but at least we know you don’t get pregnant.

Condom - (Getting off phone) – Ladies, I just spoke to my leader, Magnum. He and his cronies of lamb skins are going to pay Roofie a little visit.

Dental Dam – Don’t worry Pill. He’s going to get what he deserves and I’m sure he’ll soon be locked up in the pharmacy where he can’t hurt anyone anymore.

Condom – And let’s face rape drugs are seen as the scum of the scum in pharmacies…so, his future is bleak.

Dental Dam – Pill, you’re going to be fine. You’re safe now.

The Pill – (Touched) – Thanks guys. You’re the best contraceptives that a medication that women take daily to prevent pregnancy can ask for.

Condom – Let’s get out of here. Abstinence told me that the Born-again Christian Society is having a low-key gathering at the Olive Garden. The theme is: “Ziti Al Forno and Proselytizing”.

(All exit)


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