April 4th, 2010
The critics all agree.
“Jesus has done it again! Carpenter, Philanthropist, Omnipotent being. And now author!”
“Finally an easy ‘how to’ guide that will have you resurrecting in no time! If you liked Judas’s critically acclaimed ‘Trader. Liar. Friend’...this book’s for you!”
“This guy makes stigmata look sexy.”
It only seems fitting that Jesus’ long awaited novel, “How to Resurrect”, has hit the bookshelves on this Easter Sunday.
Here are some of Christ's excerpts from this sure to be bestseller:
• “Timing is key. Don’t resurrect too soon or you’ll give off the impression that you’re trying too hard. On the flip side, don’t wait too long or you’ll risk the chance of being forgotten and replaced by the new ‘It’ entity. I had no interest in making my comeback and hearing, 'Oh. I think that’s that Jesus guy. Didn’t shower much. I still suspect he took a piss on my lawn.’ Give yourself the weekend before you make the grand return. Take a ‘me’ day. You deserve it. That’s what I did. It was a great opportunity to do some cardio to burn off my high caloric Last Supper meal, catch up on Season 3 of ‘24’ and get a pedicure. Please, just turn off the Blackberry.”
• Details Details Details. You’ll be returning from the afterlife so it’s essential that you take the time to rehearse your entrance, up your confidence and practice your gliding capabilities. Take a continuing education class in public speaking to jump start your self-esteem. It’s crucial that you assure yourself that you've got something to say. And people (well, yeah… Christians at least) will be listening. Getting a new, fresh and cool outfit and haircut is highly recommended. Stay away from boring solid colored robes. That’s so B.C. Hint: This spring, J.Crew offers a wide array of robes. Choices include: Electric pink, paisley and ducks.
• Now you’re ready for your flashy (yet tastefully elegant) and memorable resurrection that is sure to scream, ‘Hey, you. I AM the central figure of the Christian faith. Dog.” Hire an apostle to announce your name, work the spotlight and play “Eye of the Tiger” as you make your unforgettable entrance. Strut down the aisle, slap hands with your followers and give an evil ‘I told you so’ glance to the nonbelievers. Shoot them the finger to drive the point home. Find a good place where everyone can see and hear you. First pose. Then say, ‘As you would that men would do to you, do ye also to them likewise.’ Pose again. Then demand a beer.