Day 238 - Teeth. And Why you Need Them

April 3rd, 2010

This morning I was having my morning coffee with my neighbor who has become a good friend. This is now a morning ritual where I have become that woman celebrating the moments of her life over a cup of General Mills International Coffee. The Vienna Blend.

We sat in the sun on her balcony as she was telling me about last night’s date. She met this guy online and felt that he was promising enough to meet for a drink. Although this man of the interweb did end up piquing her interest to a kind of above average degree, there was one unbearable Red Flag-apalooza : Missing tooth. A front one, a rather pertinent member of the dentature family. “Jax, he had a mouth of a dragon.”

I would imagine that an online dating seeker should be weary of profile pictures of people with a concealed mouth. There’s the possibility that what lies behind the lips could cause distress and be offensive to view. The same could be said should we choose to date our hostage whose mouth is duct taped shut. In our basement.

In my friend’s case, she can't imagine getting intimate with a mangled orifice. She needs a respectable mouth to take home to the family. Seems fair. Besides there are other inarguable benefits to having teeth. All of them.

• It shows that you take a certain amount of care when it comes to your physical appearance.

• Not taking proper care of your teeth greatly increases the risk of gingivitis, halitosis and you’re much more likely to transmit disease-causing bacteria to others and yourself. The same bacteria that causes gum disease can spread to other parts of your body and increase your risk of a heart attack, stroke and diabetes.

• The Tooth Fairy shouldn’t be required to visit anyone after puberty. And come on…like she’s not busy enough. She Tooth fairies at night. And strips during the day.

In an effort to make a 180 on day 238, let’s delve deep into the oral cavity and uncover the possible benefits of being one tooth less of someone we would want to sleep with.

• Your employment check is not spent on toothbrushes, floss and Crest Whitening Strips. No more “It hurts that means its working Listerine.”

• People assume you’re a bum, feel sorry for you and give you a lot of nickels.

• No teeth could up your marketability should you have a career in porn. Just ask the stars of “Saturday Night Beaver”, “Honey, I Blew...Everybody" and “Honey, I Blew...Everybody…Again”.

Here’s the deal. I am a teeth girl. I like them. I want you to have them. And not just because I enjoy seeing my reflection in someone’s stunning set of calcified, white structures residing in their jaws.

Paleontologists say teeth are among the most long-lasting features of the mammal species. They’re found in fossils that date back hundreds of millions of years. And you can’t hold onto them for 1 lifetime? That’s just sloppy.

Guys, it’s unfair of me to cast an opinion about your ability to cope with females who are unfamiliar with the world of orthodontics. But women like their man’s teeth to be the epitome of glorious beauty and splendor. Then we can learn to live with his 3 inch penis.