Day 115 - Almost Onion Worthy

December 1st, 2009

In 2004, "The Onion" invited me to submit headlines to America’s Finest News Source. Although the below were not used, I wanted to document them somewhere in the space of cyber. Their loss. Your Gain. Enjoy.

• Mannequin’s Layoff Due To Lack of Enthusiasm

• Hot White Girl Can’t Get Cab

• Spring Break Daytona Beach Filled With Mildly Insecure Women, Fraternity Brother, 'Very Pleased'

• Waiter Came To New York To Become Waiter

• Stewardess Fined For Poorly Tied Neckerchief

• Bathroom Attendant Constipated

• New Ager Gets In Touch With Soul. 'Not That Impressed'

• Sonogram Shows Fetus ‘Shooting The Bird' At Parents And Doctor

• Stepford Wife Says Dying At A Dinner Party Is ‘Just Rude’

• Lumberjack Gets Delicate Aromatherapy Facial. Feels ‘Rejuvenated’

• Elmo Has Lasting Traces Of Big Bird Flu. Grover Stunned

• Short Bus ‘Not So Special’ After All

• Klan Member Claims That New Low Thread Count Sheets Are Itchy

• Focus Group of 8 Year Olds Prefer Kettle One To Stoli

• Linguistic Professor Declares Dean To Be A ‘Major Douche’

• Alpha Male Claims Wine Coolers ‘Aren’t That Gay’

• Local Restaurant's ' Employees Must Wash Hands Sign’ Never Been Washed

• Coal Miner: ‘Job Not As Glamorous As Nation Thinks’

• Mental Institution Patient Claims Hospital's Christmas Party ‘Was Just Crazy’

• Journalism Professor Fails Student For Excessive Use Of Emoticons

• Grand Wizard Invites Palestinian Leaders To Antisemitic Barbecue

• Internet Dating: ‘Great Way For White People To Meet White People'

• Man Buys Shoes At Store Called “Just Socks”

• Monet Faces Paint By Number Investigation

• Geriatrics On Ice: 'Dazzling And Surprisingly Limber'

• Mime Offends Blind Man

• Man Who Sits At Starbucks All Day With Laptop Claims That Loud Milk Frothing Machine Is ‘Unacceptable in Work Environment'

• All Lesbian Production Of '12 Angry Men' Scores Praise