Day 140 - Damn – Ham

December 26th, 2009

The preacher’s wife goes into the local butcher to buy some meat for dinner. The butcher tells her that he is out of everything except Damn-Ham. The woman was shocked with his bad language and then the butcher explained that was the brand of the ham. Relieved, the woman buys the ham and goes home to cook it for her family. When the preacher walked in the house and says, "That ham smells wonderful." His wife replies "That's a Damn-Ham." The preacher was surprised by his wife's use of profanity. She showed him the wrapper and explained that was the brand name of the ham. They sat down for dinner and the preacher says to his son, "Son, pass me the Damn-Ham." and his son replies, "That's the spirit dad, now pass me the fuckin’ potatoes."

This was the first dirty joke that I was ever told and just loved repeating it to family, friends and random strangers when I was around eight years old. It’s phenomenal that just a few “damns” and a “fuckin’” land this gripping prose in the obscene category. Otherwise, it’s just a boring tale of a pious family having a meal.

The original meaning of the adjective profane (Latin: "outside of or in front of the temple") referred to items not belonging to the church. Clearly this was misread considering 9 out of 10 jokes involving profanity involve a priest and a rabbi.

I’m not a deliberate user of profanity unless it’s delivered in an intellectual manner. I tend to find exaggerated vulgarity to be a crutch for poor writing and frankly, quite boring. However, I want to conduct a test and add some profane verbiage to some “best of” quotes just to see how easy a few letters that compose a word can alter context.

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation and some motherfuckers, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”

"You like me cocksuckers, you really like me."

"My Mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know the shit you're gonna get.'"

I’ll be back. Fuck. Maybe not.

Bond. James Cocksucking Bond."

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Unless you’re a pussy"