Day 138 – So You Think You Can Mate?

December 24th, 2009

I’m not an alcoholic. Oh, I’ve tried. It just never takes. Jews generally have failed attempts at alcoholism because we’re too busy with other vices that are generally centered around edibles and shame.

The reason I mention this up front is because the original opening sentence of today’s entry was, “Last night I was at Bar 6 with a friend…” and I realized that several of my beginning lines involve me at an establishment that pushes the only legal drug. The reality is that bars are a sensical locale to meet someone and it has a more glamorous tone than, “Last night I was at the DMV again to meet…..”

Bar 6 is a French Bistro/Moroccan bar and restaurant that was my reliable neighborhood favorite hangout, my “Cheers” if you will, when I lived in Greenwich Village. My friend stepped out for a smoke (it’s a French place…so it inspires nicotine inhalation. And berets.) and I was left inside at the bar seated next to a couple that was clearly on a blind date. Very few things are more fun than observing this scenario in action.

The truth is, I was rather relieved that I was on the outside looking in as opposed to the inside looking in. I had a lot of set ups years ago where Bar 6 was the initial meet up spot. It’s a safe place for me.

I find that a lot of people who do the setting up have good intentions but quite frankly, aren’t that good at it. “You’re single. He’s single! You have a heartbeat. He does too!” From my understanding, there are people who have made careers out of being professional matchmakers. And they’re single.

In any case, I was left solo at the bar with the opportunity to reflect on blind dates past. I encountered:

-Mr. Nesbbishy Jewish guy with a cold
-Mr. I need a green card. You know where I’m going with this. Right?
-Mr. Even though I’m married...I’m a big fan of dating

Often the dating ritual strikes me as an inharmonious union that combines a National Geographic special and liquor. It basically comes down to this:

-You meet a member of the opposite sex
-You quickly assess if your pheromones are in sync
-One of two things will happen. You mate or deliver a poorly thought out exit strategy excuse like, “I have to go....I have brunch plans with a friend.” It's 7pm.

For better or for worse, I think I’m relatively intuitive and am pretty good at setting people up. No marriages yet...but I’ve gotten a lot of people laid. You know who you are. You're welcome.

So there I was sitting next to this painfully awkward blind date in action. Or lack of action. Part of me wanted to be the short fused temperamental director who throws a table and pushes drinks off the bar while screaming, “This isn’t working for me!” I would then pass out the revised script for the final scene.

Man- Well this was a shitty date

Woman- Yeah, it really was.

Man – I have zero interest in spending my life with you. However, I would be interested in a one night stand that involves noncommittal, unconnected sex that will undoubtedly leave us feeling hollow and empty tomorrow.

Woman - We're on the same page! You got it. Just promise not to call me the next day!

(The both laugh, high five and get in a cab)

THE END