December 7th, 2009
I didn’t sleep so well last night. I blame my insomnia on the not so wise decision to have a dark chocolate candy bar before I went to bed. I ate the whole thing….you know, since it's' good for me. Antioxidants and shit. I don’t believe in leftovers because my intention is generally to start healthy eating the next day so I prefer not to have remnants of previous edible bad decision making around the apartment.
A few things ruminated in my head as sleep was being a dick.
1) Why are my muscles sore? I've been on an exercise sabbatical so this seems nonsensical. Then I thought about a snowboard lesson that I took in Park City,Utah in 2002. Muscles I didn’t even know existed were brought to my attention the next day. My instructor was hot. Was he Mormon? I hope not. I would have made an exception if he invited me out for a drink of diluted alcohol and proselytizing.
2) Then the thoughts started getting too heavy. Am I on the right track? Am I fulfilling my purpose? Who shot J.R.? I made a conscious decision not to let this heavy mind clutter consume me and moved on to my final topic before sleep set in. Bears.
3) More specifically, bears and hibernation. These carnivorous mammals are onto something. First, you don’t hear of Bear Lunesta for grizzlies suffering from hibernation insomnia. You don't see commercials where mama bear says, “I’m really worried about papa bear. He’s so fidgety during hibernation. Sometimes I hear him leave the cave and violently maul a few helpless campers just to deal with the anxiety.”
Come on readers. Six good months of sleep does have an appeal. Right? Besides saving some money, avoiding seasonal depression and having to make overrated New Year’s plans, let's look at other ways humans could benefit from a really long nap during the colder months.
Bears go into hibernation by cuddling up in a cave or in a hollowed out tree because it is extremely difficult to find enough food during winter. They must build up their body weight by accumulating fat to survive this extended period of inactivity. In the months before hibernation bears can gain up to forty pounds of fat per week. Alright. How awesome would it be to purposefully try to put on 40 pounds? If someone says, “Jax do you really need to eat that entire tub of Crisco? And with a spork for the love of God!” I would just shrug my shoulders and say, “hibernation.”
Once they enter hibernation, a bear’s body goes through several alterations. Its heartbeat drops from fifty-five beats per minute to ten beats per minute and their body temperature will drop from five to nine degrees below normal. This heart beat drop does seem a bit complicated for humans to master . However, with the help of Dr. Oz, Dr Phil and Dr. Dre, I’m sure we can make it happen.
While in hibernation, the bear uses the stored energy it accumulated as fat to survive. Basically, they can lose from fifteen to forty percent of their body weight during the winter just by sleeping. Humans, how appealing does losing weight by sleeping sound? Screw Pilates, the elliptical machine and bulimia. If sleeping from October until May results with me looking smokin’ hot in my bikini come May… sign me up.
One final thought. Kristin Shepard, J.R.'s scheming sister-in-law and mistress, pulled the trigger in a fit of anger. J.R. didn't press charges as Kristin claimed she was pregnant with his child as a result of their affair.