December 18th, 2009
I know that you don’t officially arrive for three days. It certainly is a bold choice on your part to start moving your things into my place a few days early. What was last night about? Brutally freezing and windy? Totally uncool. My hands are still defrosting. Once I regain sensation in my middle finger, I think it’s safe for you to assume what I'll do with it. You can be such a dick.
Every year we reside together as roommates for three months. This year I want to go ahead and establish some ground rules:
1) If you want to have your friends over, I just ask that they have respect for me and our shared living space. Things got out of hand last January at your Martin Luther the King Jr. party. Blizzard demolished the apartment and my season 4 “Six Feet Under” box set after too many hot totties, I got some unfamiliar(yet admittedly enjoyable) buzz from hanging out with the Ice Crystal brothers and the next morning an Eskimo was sleeping naked on the kitchen table cuddling with the George Foreman Grill.
2) I might ask you, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” You should always answer, “No. No they do not.” Then we can high five.
3) My birthday is on February 21st. The best gift that you can give me is summer for a day wrapped in a big red bow…then you can disappear for 24 hours. Perhaps just go and calm Al Gore down. It’s my special day and will deserve some extra vitamin D, blond highlights and a chance to wear a tank top so I can get more things for free. ( For clarification, read Day 5 – Unintentional Cleavage - http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-unintentional-cleavage.html
4) When spring shows up at our door in March, don’t hit on her again. Seriously. Don’t waste your time. She’s not your type. Last year you said, “The word of the day is spread..so spread the word.” Please, that was just embarrassing. Just grab your bags and go down to Australia.
5) If my door is closed with a “Do Not Disturb Sign”…I assume you’ll break the code. If you need me to be more specific, I also have a sign that reads, “Winter, You Are Not Welcome to Come in Because it is Quite Possible that I Have a Gentleman Suitor in Here. Is He the One? Too Soon to Tell. He Has Quite a Bit Going For Him ...Creative, Successful, Tall, Witty, Great Eyes… But He Has A Weird Relationship With His Mother and Tends to Cry A Lot After Sex. Please Leave a Check for The Cable on the Coffee Table and Don’t Drink my Soy Milk.”