December 25th, 2009
(Jesus glides into T.G.I. Friday's restaurant, Moses waves him down from a booth and Jesus takes a seat)
JESUS: Sorry I'm late man. I was writing my obligatory Facebook status update thanking everyone for the birthday wishes.
MOSES: Happy Birthday man. You don’t look one day past 33! Great robe.
JESUS: Thanks Mo. I got it at Today’s Man. It really breathes well. I love Fridays. I haven’t been here since my last supper. You’re looking well too.
MOSES - My cardio workout was on hold because I was in a cast for a few months after dropping a tablet of commandments on my foot.
MOSES: Seriously, I credit my weight loss to 40 years of wandering through the desert. And Pilates.
(Waitress walks over)
WAITRESS: Welcome to T.G.I. Friday's, where every day is a Friday.
MOSES: ..or where every day is Shabbat…(reading name tag)..Jolene. Great Flair.
JESUS: Just be careful my child. My first job was at a Fridays in Nazareth. My dad, ya know God, said it would build character. I tripped over the barbecue sauce display and all the pens stabbed me all over my body. (Opens robe to reveal bodily marks and sores) Everyone seemed to think these stigmata were from the crucifixion. But no. No they are not.
WAITRESS: Ew. Thanks for the heads up. Can I get you two central figures of religion something to drink?
JESUS – I’ll have some holy water. No ice. With a slice of lemon.
MOSES – I’ll have a Manischewitz daiquiri with some extra umbrellas.
(Waitress walks off)
MOSES: Yeah, I was getting high with Noah in his shed yesterday while he was working on this ark bullshit. He asked me to hook him up with some umbrellas.
JESUS: That’s so weird because he just texted me asking for a male and female caribou.
MOSES– He’s been acting off ever since Mary Magdalene gave him chlamydia.
JESUS – Yeah, I tapped that too.
MOSES – Me too. She said that she was impressed with the length and girth of my staff.
JESUS: Nice (looking at menu) I just love the potatoes skins. Can you eat bacon?
MOSES: I love the bacon. Jacqueline Kabat wrote a blog entry called Day 16 – Bacon Fetish(http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-16-bacon-fetish.html) and I’ve been eating swine ever since.
JESUS: I dated Jax briefly…
MOSES: No way!
JESUS: Yeah. Great girl..just not enough in common. I walk on water and she’s a scuba diver.
MOSES: It happens. Let’ go ahead and order I don’t have a lot of time. The Red Sea isn’t going to part itself.
JESUS: Yeah, I’m meeting Judas for racquetball.
MOSES: Well, it’s just great to see you and catch up on this “Religion” (he finger quotes) game. We are pretty kicks ass in convincing people to believe, as George Carlin said, “The greatest bullshit story ever told.”
JESUS: We’re awesome.
(They high five)