December 4th, 2009
I’m not really interested in seeing “Precious”. Too heavy. I'll wait for the ice show.
It seems that any over the top ice-skating spectacular adds a bit of whimsy and lightheartedness even to the most disturbing, distasteful and unlikely scenarios. I proved this to myself when learning how to ski in North Carolina as a child. The guys who ran the ski lifts possessed the same level of class as the people who ran the rides at the local carnival that would come to town for a week. Nothing gives you more comfort and reassurance than sitting in a moving chair in the air when the operators are chain smoking, drinking Papst and writing their names in the snow. With their urine. The only way I could process these happenings was to conceptualize an ice show called “Rednecks on Ice”. It was a stunning spectacular where the opening number was called “Scooter Uses His Ironing Board as a Buffet Table”.
Putting Disney and Sesame Street on ice proves effective for the kids but I think adults need more. I feel adding anything to ice can help us make sense of things. Take away the angst if you will. Let’s heal readers. Let’s heal.
Below, I have conceptualized some ice shows that could lessen the effect of all that might be defined as awkward, unfortunate and offensive.
• Being Drunk off Jagermeister at 10am in the Morning is a Problem on Ice
• Do You Really Need that Second Chocolate Éclair? A Moment on the Lips an Eternity on the Hips. On Ice
• Zima and Boxes of Wine on Ice
• Lice, Mice and Andrew Dice. On Ice
• The Irony That Hipsters Are The Worst Offenders of Conforming to Conformity. Find Your Own Uniqueness. Come On. On Ice
• Vanilla Ice on Ice
• I Slept with Your Brother. Twice. On Ice. He’s Better Than You. On Ice 2. Maybe Not. Please Take Me Back. On Ice 3
• Stop Pretending that You’re Not a Flaming Homosexual When We All Know That You’re Gayer Than a French Horn on Ice
• Mall Speed Walkers on Ice
• Syringes on the Shoreline on Ice
• Sure. This is The First Time You Weren’t Able to Maintain an Erection. On Ice
• This is the Gary Busey of the Nick Nolte of Toilet Paper on Ice
• When Does my Unemployed Run Out on Ice
• Overpaid Professional Athletes Who Marry and Cheat on Women Who Would Otherwise be Out of Their League. On Ice