Day 118 - Prevent Swelling of the Absurd. On Ice

December 4th, 2009

I’m not really interested in seeing “Precious”. Too heavy. I'll wait for the ice show.

It seems that any over the top ice-skating spectacular adds a bit of whimsy and lightheartedness even to the most disturbing, distasteful and unlikely scenarios. I proved this to myself when learning how to ski in North Carolina as a child. The guys who ran the ski lifts possessed the same level of class as the people who ran the rides at the local carnival that would come to town for a week. Nothing gives you more comfort and reassurance than sitting in a moving chair in the air when the operators are chain smoking, drinking Papst and writing their names in the snow. With their urine. The only way I could process these happenings was to conceptualize an ice show called “Rednecks on Ice”. It was a stunning spectacular where the opening number was called “Scooter Uses His Ironing Board as a Buffet Table”.

Putting Disney and Sesame Street on ice proves effective for the kids but I think adults need more. I feel adding anything to ice can help us make sense of things. Take away the angst if you will. Let’s heal readers. Let’s heal.

Below, I have conceptualized some ice shows that could lessen the effect of all that might be defined as awkward, unfortunate and offensive.

• Being Drunk off Jagermeister at 10am in the Morning is a Problem on Ice

• Do You Really Need that Second Chocolate Éclair? A Moment on the Lips an Eternity on the Hips. On Ice

• Zima and Boxes of Wine on Ice

• Lice, Mice and Andrew Dice. On Ice

• The Irony That Hipsters Are The Worst Offenders of Conforming to Conformity. Find Your Own Uniqueness. Come On. On Ice

• Vanilla Ice on Ice

• I Slept with Your Brother. Twice. On Ice. He’s Better Than You. On Ice 2. Maybe Not. Please Take Me Back. On Ice 3

• Stop Pretending that You’re Not a Flaming Homosexual When We All Know That You’re Gayer Than a French Horn on Ice

• Mall Speed Walkers on Ice

• Syringes on the Shoreline on Ice

• Sure. This is The First Time You Weren’t Able to Maintain an Erection. On Ice

• This is the Gary Busey of the Nick Nolte of Toilet Paper on Ice

• When Does my Unemployed Run Out on Ice

• Overpaid Professional Athletes Who Marry and Cheat on Women Who Would Otherwise be Out of Their League. On Ice