December 27th, 2009
Today is my fourth installment of my “Nonchalant Observer” series. On day 22, I observed (judged) what crossed my path as I sat with my coffee on my Brooklyn stoop. On day 38, I took you with me to the happenings of beach life in the surfing town of Hermosa Beach, California. On day 112, we crossed the age gap and hit a retirement community. During happy hour. Today, you are coming with me to my father and stepmother’s house for brunch in Westchester, New York.
They invited about 20 people ranging from the ages of 4 to 64. Most of the cast of characters were my dad’s cousins with strong New York accents, amazing senses of humor and people you'd still want to be friends with even if you weren't related to them. Basically, they’re the fun part of the family. Every time I see them, we say that we need to make more of an effort to get together between these family gatherings. We don’t. We should. We will.
I made detailed notes from 1:00pm-2:00pm on Sunday December 27, 2009.
The following is presented in “real” time:
1:00 – I walk into my dad’s house and the first thing I see is a beautifully displayed ham. My stepmother is Martha Stewart…without the pretentiousness and criminal record. I have never eaten ham in my entire life and now I’ve had it twice in three days. I'm a sassy Jewess.
1:05 –I’m having a pleasant conversation with a cousin who has eye makeup smeared down her face. Do I say something? I don’t.
1:08 – I notice an older relative getting cracker crumbs all over the floor. We blame the kids.
1:12 – The pimento cheese spread is a big hit. What's the point of the crackers? If I were alone, I would shamelessly just eat it with a spoon. Or spork.
1:17 – A group of us are discussing my grandmother’ 90th birthday in March. Grandma likes to repeat stories. If she writes her memoirs, chapters 3 and 7 would be the same.
1:21 – My cousin with smeared eyeliner returns from the bathroom and said that I should have told her about the makeup fiasco. Awkward pause. We laugh. We drink.
1:25 - I go to the bathroom and don’t wash my hands.
1:26 – I go back to the bathroom and wash my hands.
1:29 – My dad and stepmom’s cockapoo puppy escapes out the back door. Mild Panic. The dog is sitting on the front porch. She couldn’t reach the doorbell.
1:33 – Someone farted. We blame the kids.
1:38 – A group of people start asking me about my comedy career. I sound way more exciting than I actually am.
1:41 - In between 3 pieces of biscotti and eating the chocolate layer off the napoleon, someone tells me that l look thin. I say thank you. With my mouth full.
1:46 - After some wine and coffee, I decide that I should drink some water. I haven’t hydrated since 1997. I take one sip and then misplace my glass.
1:49– The dog starts barking at the 4 year old. Dad says, “The dog doesn’t like her dress.”
1:56 - Half kidding, I tell my 22 year old cousin that I need to drink more and do more drugs. He says that he can hook me up. Immediately after, my older cousin tells me that I need to hang out at his lake house (aka the party house.) Why don’t I see these people more?
1:59 - The Giants game comes on and they don’t start off strong. We blame the kids.