March 30th, 2010
This is the 6th installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.
Is it true what they say about Jewish women? – Benji Feldheim, Chicago, Illinois
Jax’s Answer - Is it true that we’re awesome? Yes. Yes it is. Benji, I love that this question comes from you considering your father was my rabbi when I was a kid. But you did the right thing coming to me instead of a man trained in Jewish law, ritual, and tradition. The other night I met a guy who said, “You know...Jewish women give the best blow jobs.” I was offended by his curtness and walked away as he tried to high five me. But for the record…he was right. The mouth of the Jewess female develops admirable limberness and flexibility from berating, asking for money and emasculating. This high impact jowly workout lends itself beautifully to being successful at manipulating kosher meat.
Why do people eat Slim Jims? - Jessica Steward Boston, Massachusetts
Jax’s Answer – Who wouldn’t want to eat dog treats for humans?
Is it wrong to flush the toilet when there is only urine in it and you KNOW the person behind you is a guy and is going to take a piss? - Paul Hale, Brooklyn New York
I assume it would be environmentally friendly to hold back on your impulse to flush. But what concerns me, Paul, is the dialogue in line that makes you so certain that the guy behind you is going to take a piss. Now you have created this scenario in my head:
The following takes place in line for the toilette:
Guy 1 - So Guy 2. Are you thinking you’re going to eliminate solid, semisolid or liquid waste?
Guy 2 – It’s hard to say Guy 1. Sometimes I just like throwing caution to the wind and try to listen to what my digestive track is trying to tell me. We all have a colon whisperer inside of us who is just waiting to be asked.
Guy 3 – Well guys, you need to know that I am CERTAIN that I will be taking a piss. There’s something about my urine’s journey from the urinary bladder through the urethra to the outside of my body that serves as a symbolic reminder that I too should be one with the fluidity in my life. I will also be doing blow.