March 29th, 2010
Tonight is the first night of Passover, the Jewish holiday that commemorates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt. It is also the beginning of a week where a lot of Jewish people will be constipated. Matzah is the anti-ruffage.
I will be revisiting the story of Passover with my family. However, I have a few additions that might be frowned upon if I voice them at the dining room table. My safest alternative is to get it out. Now.
The story of The Passover (What? That’s like saying The Batman? Good point):
The Story: After many decades of slavery to the Egyptian Pharaohs, the Israelites were subjected to arduous labor and unbearable horrors. God saw their suffering and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: "Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me." Pharaoh refused to acknowledge the Lord’s commandment so God sent ten devastating plagues: Water turned to blood, frogs, lice, flies, livestock disease, boils, hail, locusts, darkness and death of the first-born of all Egyptian families.
Jax’s Thoughts: First off, God chatted with Moses through a burning bush because he couldn't reach him by text message. OK. Pharaoh. The first nine plagues didn’t give you a heads up that the shit was gonna go down? Did you not read “Pharaoh-ing for Dummies”? When God sends Moses(or Charlton Heston to you) it’s time to spend more time listening to the demands of an omnipotent being than spending time deciding which decorative sandals, large amounts of chunky jewelry and transparent linen kilts to wear for a day of brutality. If I were the sole deity, I would have just given Pharaoh a Time out. For Adults. http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-159-time-outs-for-adult.html
The Story: After the 10th plague, Pharaoh relented and let the Jewish people leave. We eat matzah during Passover because they did not have time for their bread to rise. As the Jews were fleeing, Pharaoh changed his mind and sent his army after the people. Moses used his staff to part the Red Sea for the Jews to cross. Afterward, the waters closed and drowned the Egyptian soldiers. The Jews had so much faith in God that they wandered through the desert for forty years trusting that he would take them to the land where milk and honey flowed.
Jax’s Thoughts: The ability to part a body of water just proves that one should never underestimate the power of a big staff. A faulty GPS is why the trip took so long. If Moses had used Google Map, the Jews would have gotten to the holy land in 27 years. 29 tops. Also, leading so many people means one thing that could delay your estimated arrival time: Lots of stopping at rest stops. Heads up: Asking Moses, “Are we there yet?” does not go over well.
The Story – In order to retell the story of the liberation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt, the Seder consists of words and symbolic actions that are a primary vehicle for the transmission of the Jewish faith from one generation to the next. One of the most important rituals to be followed at Seder involves the youngest child at the table asking the four questions. The concept originated to arouse curiosity in the children and make them feel involved.
Jax’s Thoughts: There’s really not much to say here except that I do appreciate this holiday and seldom turn down being with people I love while eating and drinking. Heavily. My only request is that we add a fifth question. Why does Christina Aguilera have the voice of a very large black woman. And I do not?