Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 212 - Stop! Drop! Roll! Jazz hands!

March 8th, 2010

First let me say this: I am a proud member of the Facebook group "Not Being on Fire."

Steam just came out of my computer cord so I'm thinking of contacting the members of my beloved Facebook club for some solace. They warmed up to me quickly after I wrote a catchy "Not Being on Fire" mantra for members to recite every morning in front of their mirror. While holding a hose . "Stop! Drop! Roll! Jazz hands! Stop! Drop! Roll! Jazz hands! etc..."

I'm currently using a friend's computer to write this entry because my Hewlett Packard laptop(his name is Esteban) can't be recharged until I meander over to J&R Electronics tomorrow. In the meantime, this leaves us in a vulnerable position and I hope you're OK with that. if not. Come here you. Let me hold you. Yes, I know this is challenging because my laptop has been our very capable second in command since the birth of my blog. We'll get through this. Together. As a virtual family.

The best thing we can do now is share our favorite Esteban the laptop stories. I'll start. Esteban is a real pistol.

Let's revisit what my computer told me on "Day 55 - Inanimate Object Whisperer."

He had 3 messages for me. “Don’t type on me so hard. I’m fragile. Like a delicate flower. Secondly, you really need to get Norton AntiVirus. Seriously Jax, don’t be an imbecile." Finally, Esteban said that I must act as a conduit for objects that lack the quality of being alive.

I owed it to myself, to my laptop and to inquiring minds to go upon this journey. Immediately, I started hearing the voices. It was as if I just needed permission to enter the inanimate world Interesting note, my boobs were the first to reach out to me. They introduced themselves as Mommy 1 and Mommy 2. Both of them really laid into me. “Please, enough with those Victoria Secret Bras. Sure, they have a certain allure..but their lasting power is for shit.” Also, show us off more..we need to breath. It’s getting colder and you’re going to start hiding us behind Performance Fleece. He’s a dick.”

I grabbed a bottle of Evian water and went upon my purposeful research. Immediately, the plastic bottle spoke to me. “ Jax, keep drinking my overpriced goodness but this whole ‘I’m from the natural spring’s of Lake Geneva' is bullshit. I was bottled from a toilet at a Shell Gas station off Highway 46 near Denville, New Jersey." Sadly, that revelation made me vomit for the majority of the day. This project was intense and I needed to baby step my way into my calling.

After I had ejected all contents from my stomach from the past year, I decided it would be most logical to hit a sports themed Mexican bar. The voices ran rampant. There seemed to be a lot of jealousies and rivalries among things without heartbeats. The mild salsa felt inferior to the hot salsa, the 150 watt light bulb constantly condescended the 75 watt and the well liquor compared their segregation from the top shelf spirits to America’s race relations in the early 60’s.

Wheel of Fortune was on TV and all of a sudden 14 letters from the alphabet started a rumble with the 12 most common letters: E, T, A, O, I, N, S, H, R, D, L and U. The slighted letters finally backed off, told Pat and Vanna their lack of use was a breach of contract and left in a huff to join Dave Chappelle in South Africa.

I had suffered angry inanimate object overload and needed to end my day’s work and returned home to Esteban(who I’m beginning to think might have questionable connections to the Spanish mafia.) Regardless, He was really proud of me and said that if he had a hand he would pat me on the back . My vocal computer had one final message that he needed me to pass along to all Apple Computers. “I’ve been talking with all the PC’s and we have some issues with you holier than thou Apples.” I told him that I would be happy to relay his message as I see most of them at my local coffee shop down the street. “Please let the motherfuckers know that we are sick of their self righteous, user friendly ways and awesome, dare I say kick ass, graphics. Also, please give the Power Macintosh G3 my number because she’s smokin’ hot.”

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