Day 227 - Unjustifiable Discothèque

March 23rd, 2010

On day 2, I delivered to you a blog entitled “The Mind of a Guy's Girl.” I wrote, “I love hanging with you guys. I cringe at the thought of hanging with the giggly girls who drink appletinis, watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and sing along to “I will Survive.” Oh Gloria Gaynor, your discothèque anthem has been “empowering” drunk sorority girls for too long and it’s no wonder the song was rated number nine on George Carlin's “10 Most Embarrassing Songs of All Time.”

The reality is when I am forced to listen to people sing this song, I very much feel that there is a strong chance that I will not survive. Although these wannabe crooners are attempting to convey that they’re experiencing 2 1/2 minutes of heightened self-actualization, their intrusion of my listening space is killing me. Inside.

My only survival mechanism – Read between the lines and re-dissect the song.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
(More mildly concerned and PMSing)
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
(But you were short and fat. When we walked next to each other, we looked like the number 10)
But I spent so many nights
(At the Howards Johnson airport)
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
(steroids)
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
(Were you anally probed?)
I just walked in to find you here
(breaking and entering)
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
(I shouldn’t have bought my home alarm system. Used. On Craigslist).
I should have made you leave your key
(And the $10,000 you owe me)
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
(Even though..it is flattering. But I hate you. Let’s kiss.)
Go on now go walk out the door
(Oh..you’re feeling the music? Well then, shimmy out the door. With jazz hands.)
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
(Unless I’m drunk, naked and in the mood to make bad decisions)
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
(Because you think I’m a delicate flower. But I’m strong. Like Ox. Thanks Scientology!)
You think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
(Or not me?)
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
(First I had to learn how to love myself…with the help of double AA batteries.)
I know I will stay alive
(I should write a song about Staying Alive. Been done? My bad)
I've got all my life to live
(Longer than yours. Because I’m a woman)
I've got all my love to give
(I give my love as a teddy bear. In a bag)
and I'll survive
I will survive
It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
(with the help of Methamphetamines)
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
(whoring around the tri-state area)
just feeling sorry for myself
(Eating Ben and Jerry’s,taking Omega 3 supplements and drinking boxes of wine)
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
(Except when things got kinky)
still in love with you
(Maybe just obsessed. I have dedicated an alter to you.)
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
(OK. I can make some time for you on weekends and holidays. And August.)
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me
(Please..please love me! Don’t leave me! What? You left me because I would sing along to “I Will Survive”. Yeah. That makes sense. I wish you the best. No, that’s cool. Keep the key.)