Sunday, March 21, 2010

Day 225 - Straight Men, Gay Up

March 21st, 2010

Admittedly, I have dated guys that could be interpreted as giving off the gay vibe. Sometimes flamboyantly. In most cases, I don’t think any of these men would act on their impulses that I do think is genetically wired in their DNA. But sometimes it’s challenging to discount when your boyfriend thinks a female sex toy is a mantelpiece.

Of course there are variations of sexuality subsets frolicking amongst us. Remarkably, on many occasions, I’ll be introduced to men that my friends, family and mild acquaintances are dating and I think, “Wow, nice guy. Too bad she doesn’t know he’s gay. I’ll take a deep red polish.” Oh, I mean a red polish for my toes. I ran into my friend and her new boyfriend when we were getting pedicures.

This note is geared towards straight men that are not getting laid. Mistake # 1. You’re acting too straight. The guys who score with the ladies ooze a compelling gay goodness that usually involves their body radiating a hue of bright orange flames and rainbows. And they’re finagling their way into the hearts and minds of the women you desire. I know it. I see it. I’ve lived it.

Let me be clear. These are not meterosexuals that I speak of. My sense is that these guys are clearly wired as homosexuals but their unfortunate skewed interpretation of social norms, religious fopas and general internal conflict around their identities often prevent them from acting on their impulses. As a result, these men are giving the face time (and fornication time) to the women that the hetero species would like to fall in love with. Or tap.

Men of straightness, it’s time to up your gay game. You have competition. Be a contender. Use your instincts and learn how to scream, “Hey, I’m flamboyant-riffic.” Study Tom Cruise, Smurfs and approach a naked man in a public area for absolutely no reason.

If you lose momentum during your gay up training, just remember that women like the company of the overly fashion and body conscious, quick witted “straight man” that thinks we’re beautiful. And tell us. As a result we effortlessly turn a blind eye to the fact that purses are flying out of our boyfriend’s mouth.

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