Day 230 - Jax's Unrehab for Things that are Toxic and Fun

March 26th, 2010

I was sitting next to a woman on the subway this morning who was reading the “Pittsburgh Post-Gazette”. This struck me as odd for two reasons. We’re in New York and a headline read, “Police: Man tried to revive dead possum; alcohol involved.” I was unable to read the small print that detailed the roadkill incident so I decided to listen to another commuter’s music.This was possible because he had the cheap iPod headsets that might as well be high-end Bose speakers.

I could hear Amy Winehouse’s hit song "Rehab" describing her reluctance to enter a rehabilitation center.

Good for her. I can see her angle. I’d love to have the tabloids publish pictures of me with a mystery white powder in my nose. Wandering barefoot on a London street, wearing only jeans and a bra makes a bold statement and confidently projects, “Hey fans, I own my uniqueness and fashion forward sense." These were the same fans who booed a disoriented Winehouse off the stage at a UK concert. As an effective communicator, she told the booers,” Wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that."

So it seems that Amy Winehouse’s previous stints in rehab have proved ineffective and readers, I know why. Amy’s handlers, in haste, sent her to the wrong rehabilitation center. By accident, she ended up at my clinic: Jax's Unrehab for Things that are Toxic and Fun.

This is geared towards people who have previously spent time in rehab clinics and return home only to discover that they no longer have the euphoria, confidence and zest that their addictions once provided their lives. At my clinic, I have gathered a team of untrained specialists who gently wean you back on the destructive substance and behavioral patterns that could destroy your life. But haven’t yet.

At Jax's Unrehab for Things that are Toxic and Fun, you will attend round table discussions that are certain to get you back on your path. To nowhere. Here are some sample lectures:

- Beat the signs of aging –Overdose

- Spread your seed. The benefits of sex addiction and the overpopulation myth

- Gambling- Lost your life savings? Remember, persistence makes you a winner

- The Therapist – A career for those wishing to desensitize themselves to their own issues

- The Danger of placebo pills

Next time you see Amy Winehouse in the tabloids, look closely and you’ll see that she is wearing a t-shirt with our clinic’s motto: At Jax's Unrehab for Things that are Toxic and Fun, we have the cleanest needles!