Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 224 – Smoke and Asses

March 20th, 2010

I’m sitting at Café Pedlar in Brooklyn, writing today’s blog with sun shining in, Brazilian music is playing and I’m drinking my latte that was supposed to be made with soy milk. It appears to be whole milk...and it’s good. Real good. I’m taking a short respite and partaking in my obligatory guilty pleasure of perusing Facebook before I get on with being productive and moving forward in my life.

I get a lot of slack about having 1,859 Facebook friends. Here’s the deal, I know all of them. Most of them. Comedians like to network and we all find each other on the virtual addictive time waster of Facebook.

The reality is that I’ve had a lot of lives, have met a lot of people and have been diligent about adding new friends, acquaintances and imaginary robotic unicorns to my Outlook address book.

Reconnecting with people we didn’t care enough about to stay in touch with to begin with is the “it” virtual trend that has no forecast of losing momentum. This has inspired my next creative project that will be a documentary of me traveling the globe to meet (face to face) every single one of my Facebook friends, enemies and frenemies.

Here is a sampling of some of my “friends” that I will (we will) be meeting. In person. I’m going to omit names since this documentary is in the preproduction phase. Otherwise I’d need you to sign a confidentiality agreement so I get to sue you if you tell your grandmother that I have an incarcerated friend named Shmitty Mcgee. With a third nipple. On day 125, I learned a thing or two about confidentiality agreements. Or lack thereof. -

Facebook friend 1 – This was a girl from my elementary school days that had a negative disposition (even cryptic…probably would have run with the vampire crowd if she was a kid in 2010.)Now she seems to have transformed into my big fan and makes light and fluffy zinger comments about my blogs. Note to readers: Blowing smoke up my ass is welcome. Unless it’s real smoke.

Facebook friend 2 – This guy is from college. Didn’t say much. In love with my roommate. Had crazy eyes.

Facebook friend 3 – I went out with this guy briefly in 2008. He had a temper tantrum when I gently let him know that I didn’t see a future for us. In the middle of his meltdown, I left and got caught in a marching band.

Facebook friend 4 – I went to high school with this girl. Known for her bad breath.

Facebook 5 - I’m related to this guy. Kind of. He was adopted...and doesn’t know it. But I do. And you do.

Facebook 6 - This guy. Gay as a French horn.

Facebook friend 7- I performed comedy improv with this girl years ago. Chronic masturbator.

Facebook friend 8 - I never found this high school acquaintance to be particularly nice. But she had great hair. Not one...NOT ONE split end.

Facebook friend 9 – This guy was from youth group in 8th grade. He accused me of staring at his penis at a Bar Mitzvah.

Facebook friend 10 – I met this girl through an old coworker. She is a born again Christian and kept trying to recruit me. I wasn’t interested. So I hit her.

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