March 15th, 2010
Today we’re going to journey into my second installment of “Don’t Say That. Ever.” On day 207, I wrote, “Sometimes I see words and words strung together (you might know them as phrases, clauses and sentences) that are so gut wretchedly annoying that I'd rather scratch my fingernails on a chalk board while chewing on tin foil. While I'm on fire.”
Well there are more.
I was out the other night and I said something to a quasi friend and her response was “Totes.” I felt two very opposite emotions in response to her response. I felt pride that she agreed with me. That’s awesome. Yet on the flip side of the spectrum, “totes” is one of those catch phrases that I find so irksome that I often find myself (with shoulders cringed) regurgitating my last meal on the offender. Mexican food makes the loudest statement.
Totes does not stand alone in words and phrases that should never be uttered in my vicinity. I do love my blog readers but in the spirit of keeping our relationship safe, cuddly and kosher, I owe it to you, me and Jesus Harold Christ to forewarn you of English language fopas that we can never exchange.
1) The grass is always greener on the other side
- Not when you live in New York City. There is no grass on either side.
2) Some of the best things in life are free.
- Some of the best things cost a lot of money. Like ponies.
3) Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
- Sometimes strangers are perverts you shouldn’t take candy from.
4) If they carbon dated your face, it would say stupid.
- This one blinds me with science.
-My mind automatically goes to those marshmallow candies that are bunny shaped and are a “I just took a lot of vitamins" urine shade of yellow.
6) Don’t go there.
-Too late, there has already been gone to.
7) Christ Almighty!
- Just never lands when said by a Jew.
8) Sorry but (fill in the blank)
- This means we didn’t get what we wanted. Unacceptable.
9) Um, can we talk?
- This never can be good unless someone wants to talk about giving us a check. A large check.
10) Kiss my big, black ass.
- Always ineffective when said by a Caucasian. I learned that the hard way.