Day 203 – Penis Panic

February 27, 2010

This is my second blog with penis in the title.

In the spirit of upping my multitasking game, I’m sitting at the salon getting my hair highlighted and attempting to write today’s 203rd blog entry. I despise the term writer’s block…but I'm deep in the throes of this clichéd expression, frustration and ailment. I’m staring at a white screen (or as my dad called a white movie screen when I was a kid...a polar bear in the snow) wondering what journey we can go on today. What safari of verbiage is waiting to filter through?

Let’s just sit here for a minute. Focus. Breathe. My hair is going to look awesome in a few hours. What’s the capitol of Nebraska? Did I leave the oven on? Did you leave the oven on?

Self diagnosis - I’m sick. Sick with Writer’s Block Syndrome. This is when I need to turn the anxiety around in order to embrace my illness and be grateful for real ailments that I have not suffered from. Yet. Let's take a look. These are real. Really real:

- PICA
This is a compulsive appetite for non-edible items, including clay, stones, cigarette ash, paint, glue, laundry starch, ice and (wait for it)...animal feces.

- FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Without warning, people start speaking with a different accent.

- CAPGRAS SYNDROME
This involves the delusion that a loved one is being impersonated by an impostor.

- JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Victims develop a religious psychosis triggered by a visit to Jerusalem. These people believe that they are prophets and parade around the city speaking Bible talk or exhorting sinners to repent.

- PENIS PANIC
Sufferers become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and “penis panic” swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen.

Because I like to give my readers tomorrow’s news today, I’m going to share some previews from ailments that are in production and will be released in summer 2010.

- STEVE GUTTENBERG SYNDROME –
People with this ailment have delusions that Steve Guttenberg is watching their every move. And they like it. Those with “SGS” often respond to questions with, “I’ll need to consult Steve Guttenberg before I answer your inquiry."

-EXCLAMATION POINT-IGANOSIS – Individuals with this condition only use exclamations points in all of their writing. Even eulogies.

-PUBERTY – This was such a hit with teens that ailment execs are releasing this syndrome for adults. Sufferers are covered with zits, irritable, self conscious about their awkward body and cracking voice and filled with rage. Then they have a strong desire to operate heavy machinery.

-LIONEL RICHIE
This disease causes people to be obsessed with sculpting Lionel Richie’s head. Even if they get the gheri curl perfect…they have a distorted image of their clay work.

-PENIS PANIC 2 – Just like Penis Panic 1. Just more penis. And panic.