Day 193 - Pillsbury Doughboy - Operating Drug Ring. Out of Laundry Room

February 17th, 2010

Several years ago, I was at rehearsal and not so nonchalantly scanning the members of my sketch comedy improv group. It quickly came to my attention that each cast member resembled a piece of bread.

- I was whole wheat. I tan well.

- Brandon is from Ohio so he was cast as Wonder Bread.

- Tamara is tall and skinny …which made her a bread stick.

- Troy is African American so he obviously would be our pumpernickel.

- Kenny is gay as a French horn. Danish.

Of course these assessments were purely from a physical standpoint. Ayn Rand said, "Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life." I think the same can be applied to the bread someone desires:

Flatbreads

Flatbread is quite popular in many different foreign cultures. People attracted to this yeast-free bread have a worldly nature and enjoy soaking up the culture in the places they visit. Sometimes they go overboard. I went through a flatbread stage and got involved with a Flatbread drug lord who used sophisticated tunnels to smuggle garlic, parsley,chilies and oregano from Mexico into the United States in the early 1990s. In 1993, a 7.3 ton shipment of his basil, concealed in packaging of Hebrew National Hot dogs, was destined for the United States and seized in Tecate, Baja California. Prison was no picnic for my former employer (and lover) because Flatbread drug lords are considered the scum of the scum by other inmates.

Sourdough

With its distinctive tangy flavor, sourdough is loved by people with zesty personalities and a penchant for vibrant conversation. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if an individual has consumed this bread or is on a coke bender. Stick it out for a few weeks. They’ll either get fat or become psychotic. You’ll have your answer.

Multigrain

People who enjoy multigrain are part of the Facebook group, “Fan of Fiber.” Multigrainers love poetry slams, reusable energy and are very well read as they spend a significant amount of time on the toilet. Multigrain’s appeal entices a person with an "earthy" personality. According to yeast historians, the Multigrain Riot of 1998 started when processed dough advocates raided a multigrain commune. In Portland. The Multigrain battle cry continues to be, “The whiter the bread, the quicker you’re dead!”