February 19th, 2010
I have this thing where I try to pull all-nighters the night before I have early flights. Nothing is more gratifying than sleeping for an entire plane trip. To my credit, I was successful in last night's mission and my flight from LaGuardia to Charleston, SC early this morning was refreshingly not memorable because I was out cold the entire time. I also fell asleep standing up in the security line. Luckily the people in front and behind me were overweight (in an endearing way) so I would have had sufficient cushioning if I fell.
I came down to South Carolina to spend the weekend with my mom because she just celebrated a birthday and mine is in a few days. We’re going to have a spa day on Sunday because that’s just the kind of mother daughter team we are. Waiting for me in my room was a “Happy Birthday” helium balloon and my favorite perfume made by some little lady in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s called “Whore”...Whore Perfume. That’s right. Could mom be any cuter?
I was only here for about an hour before mom and I collectively decided that I needed my hair trimmed. Badly. I’ve always had an affinity for having long hair but it’s gotten a little out of hand so I ended up getting a few inches cut off. Only people with very long hair would even notice.
There was a point a while back when I was considering donating my hair to Pantene because they make free wigs for women who have lost their hair to cancer. Nice right? Well, I was denied because my hair..my hair…wipe away tear…didn’t pass the stringent requirements. And I was so very close.
These were the requirements:
- Donated hair must be a minimum of 8 inches long
Jax - Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
- Hair should be freshly washed and completely dry, without any styling products.
Jax – Check. Products scare me.
- Hair may not be more than 5 percent gray.
Jax – Don’t insult me
- Hair may be colored with vegetable dyes, rinses and semi-permanent dyes. It cannot be bleached, permanently colored or chemically treated..
Jax - Um yeah...this one’s a problem. I’ve been getting highlights since Sun-In turned my hair orange in 7th grade. Plus I wouldn’t dare jeopardize my relationship with my colorist, Lucy Lui. A real peach.
Pantene, although you declined the opportunity to make a wig out of my tainted hair, I have found a population who is thrilled to have my donation. As is. My hair will be donated to dogs and cats that have recently had their stomachs shaved prior to being spayed and neutered. My long golden locks will subtly cover the exposed region of any domestic animal that will no longer feel any thrill from humping, licking themselves and Animal Planet porn.