Day 196 - Action Jax-on's Positive Twist

February 20th, 2010

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

Years ago, a friend suggested that I keep a gratitude journal so I could be more open to the abundance that life has to offer. I’ve never been particularly consistent with doing this, but as a birthday present to myself, I really want to make more of an effort. I do believe in the law of attraction and the energy that we put out there comes back to us exponentially. For better or for worse.

In comedy, it’s crucial to attempt to tap into universal issues that cause anger or that we find ironic. However, I am not a bitter person and I think there is a way to project this angst without seeming like a victim.

I turn 35 tomorrow and according to my “in tune" friend, this age is supposed to shake up some pretty heavy subconscious stuff. What exactly? Not sure. It’s the subconscious.

On Day 79, I wrote an entry called “35 Things That Piss Jax Off.” I don't like that the # "35" is attached to a list of my negative thoughts. I'm gonna do a little shifting on my last day of being 34 and in an effort to remind myself that I can turn chicken shit into chicken salad, I have challenged myself to stretch and be grateful for ALL circumstances. In the list below, I have added Jax’s Positive Twist (JPT) under each of my grievances that I aired four months ago.

1. Holocaust deniers

JPT – Of course this one is first. My postive take on this is I don’t know any of these people personally so I must be choosing the right friends. Just not interested in sharing a fancy caffeinated beverage with Jew haters.

2. Mariachi bands on the subway at 7:00am

JPT - They’re making an honest living and start their workday early. Solid stuff.

3. Being yelled at

JPT – We're not being ignored. That sucks. Ass

4. People who are the most judgmental about drugs are the ones who should be doing them.

JPT – Maybe some people who seem to be judging actually really care about us and have a hard time showing it. Psychology 101

5. Guys with Asian fetishes

JPT – These guys have a type. They think it. They feel it. They manifest it. I salute them. Besides, guys who have Asian fetishes aren’t my type. Let’s not waste our time.

6. Being depressed or having anxiety

JPT – Experiencing emotional turmoil means that we have the capacity to feel things deeply. Although challenging, it is sometimes necessary to tap into these low depths to improve consciousness, creativity and compassion.

7. People who think they’re profound but really aren’t

JPT – In our gut, we know we would beat them at a “Philosophy Off”. This game is not intended for children under 3.

8. Commentators who just like the sound of their own voices.

JPT – That’s confident. I wished I liked the sound of my voice better when I listen to it on my voice mail. It might not be me. It is. Sigh...

9. The fact that I wrote this sentence on my website that describes my comedy improv workshops: “I know what it takes to deliver an experience that is low on stress and high on fun.”

JPT - At least I have a website(that hasn’t been updated in two years.) I’m awesome.

10. Putting Disney movies in the vault

JPT – If the movies go in, we can take Disney's jewelry out. And sell it. And pay rent.

11. People so naïve that they should pronounce it nave

JPT - They don’t have to explain what the accent is(..) over the I. Nobody really knows. Or cares.

12. People who are all talk and no action

JPT – This is a tough one. Um, more action for us? I want to call myself Action Jax-on. You can too. OK stop. I don’t like it any more.

13. Kicking someone while they're down

JPT – It’s an effective cardio workout

14. People who say “Don’t bring Jesus into this.”

JPT - Maybe they're right. Jesus is hot. Could be distracting

15. Trying to find Waldo(he’s kind of a dick)

JPT - We have the gift of sight that allows us to even see..a dick.

16. People who are the The Yodas of movie ruining. “Bruce Willis was DEAD in the Sixth Sense. Bambi's mother dies. Crying Game. It's a dude.”

JPT – We don’t end up seeing the movies and save a significant amount of money that we can contribute to a retirement plan. Or beer.

17. Cheap umbrellas turning inside out. Yet, I continue to buy them.

JPT -We're supporting the guys on the street selling these umbrellas because you know who’s a fan of small business owners? We are.

18. The fact that people buy that the Pillsbury Doughboy and Snuggles the Fabric Softener are as happy as they let on.

JPT - Snuggles and Doughboy are great actors. I smell Oscar

19. Mini Revolutions on Facebook when they redesign the site layout

JPT - The previous graphic designer who created the old design is feeling great about himself. And he's getting a lot of ass.

20. People who act self-righteously to mask their own insecurity

JPT - They are candy for a comic. It writes itself.

21. The fact that David Caruso is considered a sex symbol

JPT – This gives hope to Ronald McDonald. I’d like to see more sex symbols with face paint. And Big Macs.

22. People who always emotional vomit on me

JPT-People seem to trust me and emotional vomit doesn't involve cleaning up last night’s chimichanga.

23. Obsessions with dead celebrities

JPT - Better than being obsessed with me. I've had stalkers. Not that into it.

24. CNN backdrop music after a horrific event in the news

JPT - Sometimes it’s good to share a cry… with CNN. Bonus if we can nuzzle in the bosoms of Wolf Blitzer.

25. Controlling people

JPT - Sometimes they will do things for us when we feel lazy. They're like Dick Cheney to our George W. Bush.

26. When someone replies to an Evite with a: No +1. They’re basically telling me, “Not only will I not be coming..but someone you didn’t invite has also decided to pass.”

JPT – More food and alcohol for our real friends and our real +1s

27. People who read The New York Post to get real news. It’s The Onion. Without the humor.

JPT - Sometimes they leave them on the subway and we have something to stick our gum in or kindle our F train bonfire.

28. People who constantly mention that they have PhDs

JPT - At least they aren’t bragging about having STD’s

29. People who cross the fine line between honesty and disrespect

JPT - Eventually they'll get into a rumble with a freakishly big and strong person. And lose. I jut wanted to write the word rumble.

30. When people say, “Being a kid in the 2000’s is tough.” You know what else is hard? Being an adult.

JPT – Being an adult is challenging indeed. At least we’ve already ungracefully perused and miraculously survived that horror show they call puberty.

31. I’m sick of celebrities beating up paparazzi. Did you become an actor for the love of the craft or for fame? Sorry, lack of privacy is the price you pay. On some level, you love it and we know it.

JPT - Sometimes we see stars without makeup and realize, “Hey stars are just like us.” Just a little more attractive.

32. Self righteous vegans and vegetarians

JPT - They won’t take the coveted good pieces of filet mignon in a buffet line.

33. People who overuse exclamation points!

JPT – They find joy in the smallest things. Like sentence structure. That’s nice. I mean, that’s nice!

34. People who are so germaphobic that their debilitating phobia affects others

JPT - Maybe they’re right. Is playing in feces really that fun?

35. I am over 3 people: Gwyneth Paltrow, Suri Cruise and, of course, Al Roker. I’m done with you all. Now be gone.

JPT – They don’t know that I feel this way. Or care. Jokes on me. Well played Roker, Gwynnie and mini-scientologist.