February 7th, 2010
I wish there was a place where we could get any answer to anything at anytime. Just at the touch of our fingertips. What’s that? What’s this “interweb” you speak of? Really? That’s unbelievable because I’ve been using these Encyclopedia Britannica books for all my inquiries.
Surely I jest as I am aware of this cyberworld that has been helping students plagiarize for years. Let's talk Google, the holy mother of all search engines that can search 8,058,044,651 web pages that generates a few million results within a fraction of a second. I am hoping that Google will think about sharing its excess of wisdom in more personal circumstances. For example, let’s take a bar fight about to happen:
Drunk Frat Boy 1 – You slept with my girl! Once I put down this delicious and refreshing Papst..I'm going to kick your ass!
Drunk Frat Boy 2 – Dude, no I didn’t. I was with a hooker that night.
Random Bystander with a Laptop – Drunk Frat Boys, I’ll just Google it! I’ll just type in “Did Drunk Frat Boy 2 sleep with Drunk Frat Boy 1’s special lady friend?”
(There is a fraction of a second pause while he searches. Although, it feels like 1 second because the tension is so high)
Random Bystander with a Laptop – Yeah..he totally tapped that.
(A Rumble ensues)
Google, I propose that there be another subdivision of Google called “Google Schmuck” where we can be provided answers to shallow and insignificant questions that will in no way, shape or form benefit us.
Some sample questions for Google Schmuck:
• Was that guy in high school who looked 45 a narc?
• In the commercial, why does the woman always say yes when the guy proposes to her in the Italian Piazza?
• Why is David Caruso a sex symbol?
• Why did that Mariachi band have to play on the subway at 7:00am?
• Where is Waldo? Why do I care?
• Why do I best express my thoughts through PowerPoint Presentations?
• Why do so many guys have Asian fetishes?
• Should I break up with a therapist who does not blow smoke up my ass?
• I’m confused. Was Bruce Willis really dead in the “Sixth Sense?”
• Have Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty found each other at the Del Boca Vista retirement community in the sky?
Google, Google Schmuck is your next goldmine.Trust me. Think it. Feel it. Manifest it. I mean, it's no dumber than Google Earth.