Day 190 - Project Skank

February 14th, 2010

Happy Saint Valentine's Day y’all! This annual holiday falling between February 13th and 15th celebrates love and affection between intimate companions. Lovers express their emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment by exchanging cheaply manufactured gifts that imply, “ I really don’t care enough to send the very best."

The truth is, I’m rather indifferent toward this day. There’s nothing wrong with people giving loved ones little heart shaped “Be Mine” candies (that look like cavities.) This day offers couples the well deserved opportunity to ignore issues that present themselves the rest of year. “I don’t care that you’ve been unfaithful! These helium balloons are stunning! I’m not even bothered that you bought them so last minute that they were out of Valentine ’s Day balloons. I LOVE that it says 'Happy Birthday Grandma’!”

Then there are the bitter single people referring to February 14th as a “keeping Hallmark in business holiday” that provides 24 hours to reflect on the loneliness and misery of going through life alone. For those that are single, here is a short poem that could make you feel soothingly better or suicidal-like worse about relationships past:

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. Rather it makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along.”

This was from a book of poems that I had in high school by a man who(in typical poet fashion) goes by one name. Javan. The book was called “A Heart Full of Love” and the poem was dedicated to his golden retriever. Brandon.

I do feel that it is wise to let go of relationships gracefully. On this V-Day 2010, I’ve been reflecting on men of my past and although belated, I would like to give a proper thank you to some of these men who have contributed some significance to my life.

1) I feel compelled to send a shout out to all the subway voices that announce inaudible messages. Some people might think you’re saying, “The next stop is Times Square.” But I know what you’re really trying to imply is, “Jax. You are everything I want and more. And good call on those jeans. Your ass looks great.”

-For you inaudible faceless subway men: A teddy bear. In a bag. You be my bear. I’ll be your bag. Oh, you don't get it? It's your simplicity that I find so endearing.

2) I want to thank the guys who rolled my house sophomore year. I’m still not exactly sure who you were..but I know that artfully putting toilet paper in my trees was your way of saying, “Hey Jax, we think you’re one of a kind.”

-For you, rollers of the toilet paper - cheap drugstore chocolate. Whitman's. From Duane Read. I’m not sure I agree with “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get." Feel free to reveal yourselves now because you’ll be certain of what you’ll get. Lucky.

3) In high school, my friends and I would drive to a grocery store in the most redneck part of town. We would scan the parking lot in search of the most hillbilly of men and ask them to buy us beer. We called this mission, “Project Skank”. On this Valentine’s Day, I want to thank all the skanks of Greensboro, NC for buying underage girls beer. And not raping us.

-For the skanks - A floral arrangements from 1-800 FLOWERS. This cheap carnation arrangement is guaranteed to complement the deer head on your wall. It’s Bambi’s mom? I knew you were special.