Day 194 - Bill Withers' Evil Twin. Phil Withers

February 18th, 2010

Before I headed to do a spot at Otto’s Shrunken Head in the east village last night, I stopped in my neighborhood bar to plan my set, drink a glass of Côtes du Rhône and eat some of the free happy hour mussels. Shellfish that is just given away might be cause for alarm…but it still seems less questionable and more glamorous than the free hot dogs they’re serving for no charge at Rudy’s in midtown. Then like a gift from God and Jesus Harold Christ, the Bill Withers masterpiece, “Lean on Me” began to gently float throughout the French bistro. I just can’t get sick of this song. It makes me feel. Feel hard. I took pause from my writing, the Moroccan man next to me stopped talking about spearing fish in Puerto Rico and the crazy eyed elderly man at the end of the bar stopped talking gibberish to himself. We were all collectively entranced and smitten by the music because “Lean on Me” is a uniter. Not a divider.

I bet you’re singing the lyrics in your head right now. If not, you’re dead inside.

I’m blessed and grateful to have kindhearted and loyal friends and family in my circle of trust that have lovingly carried me through some challenging times. Bill Withers seems like a standout guy and must have a bright soul in order to create a song that continues to affect the masses. I wonder if he has an evil twin, Phil Withers, who also sings the same song but with an underlying tone of insincerity, animosity and evil doing. I imagine his true intentions would be in the following parenthesis. Phil Withers is a real dick.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
(Except me. I’m emotionally stable. Unlike you)
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
(Unless it’s December 20th, 2012. Because according to the Mayan calendar, the world is going to end the next day.)

Lean on me, when you're not strong
(Have you put on weight?)
And I'll be your friend
(Just on Facebook)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(I just need to wait for the cable guy. He gave me a three hour window)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
(Again, don’t count on it. I can swallow my emotions like family members at a waspy Connecticut Christmas.)

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
(But I expect them to be returned...like my Bible, rifle and cake pan.)
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
(Seriously, consider laying off the carbs.)
And I'll be your friend
(No, not Facebook. Myspace)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(Just let me get through the series finale of “LOST”..then I’m all yours)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
(Hitchhiking)
I'll share your load
(Even though I have a bad back and would be jeopardizing my health)
If you just call me
(Not collect)

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
(Actually, just text me)
We all need somebody to lean on
(When we’re drunk)
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
(How does a Bill become a Law?)
We all need somebody to lean on
(When we play Helen Keller in a community theater production of "The Miracle Worker.”)

Lean on me when you're not strong
(I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “A moment on the lips...an eternity on the hips.”)
And I'll be your friend
(Actually..not Facebook or Mypace. Let’s aim for Friendster or Classmates.com)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(I just looked at my day book. I’m booked for the rest of 2010.)
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
(When I lose a leg in a freak mechanical bull accident)

Damn you Phil Withers. Damn you. No, I am not interested in sharing a General Mills International Coffee with you. Unless it’s the Vienna Blend.