Day 178 - You're Depressed. No, Seriously. You Are

February 2nd, 2010

I’m going to share something intimate with you all today. Let’s curl up under the covers, light a candle and eat Chunky Monkey. Out of the carton. Are you comfy cozy? Yeah me too. Oh sorry. I thought that was my leg.

The other day I was writing my blog in my office (which is also referred to as a coffee shop in some circles.) This voice over interrupted me and was trying to convince me that I was depressed. No one else seemed to hear it. For the sake of getting material, I entertained this invasive voice over. Briefly.

The exchange went down like this:

Voice Over: Hello Jacqueline

Jax: God?

Voice Over: No. Not God. But close as I am a supernatural-like entity and overseer of the universe. I am..Voice Over.

Jax: Oh. Yes. I’m familiar with your work. Can I help you?

Voice Over: Jax, feeling sad or down?

Jax: Um..no

Voice Over: Perhaps a loss of interest in normal daily activities?

Jax: Not really. I’m doing what I need and like to do.

Voice Over: Come on..you’re having trouble focusing and concentrating and have had unintentional weight loss or weight gain? Right?

Jax: Oh..I get it. You’re giving me the “Are you depressed?” quiz. Good hustle Voice Over..but I’m feeling alright these days. I'm taking care of myself.

Voice Over(growing frustrated and desperate): Jacqueline Beth Kabat, you must feel worthless. Come on!

Jax: I don’t. Although I wish I had more financial security, I find my life rather purposeful. Sorry Voice Over. Do you work on commission?

Voice Over(defeated): Yes…

Jax: That must be challenging. It probably causes you to be restless, irritable and easily annoyed?

Voice Over – It does Jax. It does.

Jax: So sorry to hear that because that must mean you’re also having problems sleeping, difficulty making decisions and crying spells all the time.

Voice Over- Oh Jax. I weep all the time. Like a baby. That is little.

Jax: I just have to assume that you have had a loss of interest in sex?

Voice Over - This is true. I haven’t been giving my girlfriend, Lunesta Voice Over, the attention that she deserves.

Jax: Voice Over, I’m just going to be blunt, you’re depressed.

Voice Over – I am Jax. Sometimes I just want to end it all. My life started spiraling when I was turned down for voice over roles as Trojan Man and Next on HBO Guy. I took a job that was beneath me and was announcing the Blue Dot Specials at the grocery store before I got this gig attempting to convince perfectly healthy people that they suffer from a debilitating depression. I’m a fraud. Scum I am.

Jax: Voice Over, admittance is the first step to healing. Right now..you just need some loving. Come cuddle in bed with me. And my blog readers. Chunky Monkey? Oh..you’re lactose intolerant? I have soy ice-cream. I’m going to read you a fairytale from Day 6. It’s called "The Serotonin Who Lost his Way.”

The Serotonin Who Lost his Way

STORYTELLER
(Read like a children’s fairy tale)
Once upon a time there lived a lovable happy chemical named Serotonin, the most delightful mood enhancer that ever was. One day his mother, having made some freshly baked endogenous signaling molecules, said to him,

MOTHER
Go now Serotonin, and deliver this basket of neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain…I can feel that they are needed somehow…

SEROTONIN
Alright!

STORYTELLER
Serotonin set out immediately through the Nervous
System Forest. Upon his journey he came to a magical river of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

PBR
Where are you going young tike?

STORYTELLER
Oh naive Serotonin. He did not know that it was dangerous to talk to
a river of cheap beer said,

SEROTONIN
I am going to see my grandmother….she’s the best!
And I have to give her this basket of neurotransmitters

PBR
Well surely you must be hot and tired and have time to take a swim…?

STORYTELLER
Said the River of PBR with remarkable coherence.

PBR
I will make you feel popular, confident and really horny.

SEROTONIN
Cool! I love horns! Nothing is more fun than playing
with my Trombone!

STORYTELLER
Serotonin enthusiastically dove into the river and was having the time of his life.
He felt so very happy and free. Then suddenly, things became very fuzzy, he
blacked out and the next thing he remembered was waking up several hours later in a pool of his own vomit that reeked of neurotransmitters.

SEROTONIN
The river certainly doesn’t feel so pretty and magical now.

STORYTELLER
As he lay hung-over along the bank, he realized than in order
to get the Neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain…he would need the strength to
climb Victim Complex Mountain…and he was so..so..so tired. Then, out of nowhere, it started snowing. Now this wasn't normal snow. This was fine white powdery snow that Serotonin breathed in and began absorbing through his nasal membranes. Within 10-15 seconds Serotonin felt very stimulated with a sudden burst of euphoria. He was buzzing with anticipation of climbing Victim Complex Mountain.

SEROTONIN
I'm buzzing with anticipation of climbing Victim Complex Mountain!!(Powerful part of Hazy Shade of Winter Plays)

STORYTELLER
Serotonin felt like the fastest Cheetah in the land as he speedily ran up Victim Complex Mountain. Then, when he got to the top, the amazing snow had stopped coming down and he felt very very sad and just wanted more snow so
very badly. He said,

SEROTONIN
Gosh I ‘m just so irritable, paranoid and really out if it. I feel like a Zombie.

STORYTELLER
…and Zombie's are scary….

SEROTONIN
I have no idea how I can muster up the
energy to deliver what’s left of mom’s scrumptious neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain.

STORYTELLER
On top of Victim Complex Mountain, Serotonin sat alone crying
and hopeless as he leaned against Blame it on Your Parents Rock. Suddenly, he was approached by a slimy looking man in an Armani suit

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
You seemed to have lost your way young Serotonin. My name is Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man and my Prozac pellets will ensure that you and your Neurotransmitters get to your Grandma Brain.

SEROTONIN
Wait!

STORYTELLER
Exclaimed a cautious Serotonin

SEROTONIN
My mommy warned me about you Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man! You're really just a case of aggressive marketing gone bad, with a mixture of corrupt physicians, underhanded payola and total disregard for patient health.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Oh young Serotonin, no use in protesting…because there is no way you can resist my pellets of Purple Horseshoe Prozac, Yellow Moon Zoloft, Blue Diamond Lithium, and Green Clover Placebo pills.They’re magically delicious. Ha..ha, ha.ha(extended evil laugh)

STORYTELLER
Right as Serotonin was falling under Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man’s horrible spell ..The Fairy Good Buddha From the Far East flew in on her Flying Yoga Mat.

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
That’s what you think Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man!

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Ahhh…we meet again Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
We both know that Serotonin can get to his Grandma brain with alternative approaches like meditation, hypnosis, reiki, herbal remedies and acupuncture.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Prepare to die Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
Oh…I will only reincarnate you scamp!

STORYTELLER
Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man began angrily throwing his pellets at Fairy Good Buddha from The Far East…but then she used her most powerful weapon… meditation. This made Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man powerless and he began to melt.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Look what you've done! I'm melting, melting. ...

SEROTONIN
Oh thank you for saving me Fairy Good Buddha from The Far East!

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
Now hop on my magic flying yoga mat precious Serotonin because I’m going to take you to your Grandma Brain!

SEROTONIN
Alright!

STORYTELLER
Unfortunately Fairy Good Buddha was flying her yoga mat under the influence of her powerfully potent herbal supplements. Serotonin never got his basket of Neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain because he and Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East had a bloody mid air collision with a Boeing 747 and their bodies were never recovered. And little ones…that is the story of The Serotonin Who Lost His Way…

THE END