February 15th, 2010
Today is President’s Day, a time when dreams come true and Billy Ray “Bubba” Bob’s car dealership is having a massive sale on used Chevrolets .
It’s officially a celebration of George Washington's day of birth but over the years it has become a time to honor all the “It” Presidents. These guys should be praised as they possessed character, vision and competence. The following are the heads of state that have inspired me to create a shrine in their honor. I burn incense, wear a powdered wig and play “Nothing Compares to You.”
- Abraham Lincoln
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
- George Washington
"The nation which indulges towards another a habitual hatred, or a habitual fondness, is in some degree a slave. It is a slave to its animosity or to its affection, either of which is sufficient to lead it astray from its duty and its interest."
- Thomas Jefferson
"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever. . . the Almighty has no attribute that can take side with us in such a contest."
- Theodore Roosevelt
"No Man is justified in doing evil on the grounds of expedience."
Although seldom acknowledged, today is also the time to recognize our county’s highest political officials that lacked popularity, effectiveness and good decision making.
- Warren G. Harding
Our corrupt 29th President served only two years in office. Harding’s decision to fill his administration with friends and political allies (that helped him get elected ) proved to be a bad idea as they took bribes, did political favors and abused their power. Harding himself is said to have remarked: "I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies in a fight. But my friends, my god damned friends, they're the ones who keep me walking the floor at nights."
While embarking on a massive tour of the western states, the President is said to have been infected with food poisoning and died of a heart of attack soon after. Harding thus became the fifth President to succumb to the deadly "Curse of Tecumseh," which was said to befall Presidents elected every twentieth year.
Urban Dictionary’s definition of Harding - “A sexless prison of platonic friendship.”
- Richard Nixon
In addition to Watergate and impeachment, Nixon owed back taxes, had accepted illicit campaign contributions, and had harassed opponents with executive agencies. Ordering the secret bombing of Cambodia was a nice touch. He was named by the grand jury investigating Watergate as “an unindicted co-conspirator” . Delusion persevered and he died never “owning” his lack of ethics by admitting criminal wrongdoing.
Urban Dictionary’s of Nixon - "The sex act of a woman performing fellatio on a man while humming the National Anthem."
- Andrew Johnson
In a letter to the governor of Missouri he wrote: “This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I am President, it shall be a government for white men.”
Urban Dictionary has quite a few definitions of Johnson.
- George W Bush
To his credit, GW did provide us the new sport of linguistic gymnastics and some of my favorite quotes. Ever.
-"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Alabama
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, New Hampshire
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Missouri.
Urban Dictionary. The last name. Too easy.
- William Harrison
After delivering a long-winded inaugural address in the rain, he came down with pneumonia that made his 30-day presidency the shortest in U.S. history.
Although Urban Dictionary does not have a definition for William Harrison, they have one for Harrison Ford – “The 44th president of the United States.”