February 12th, 2010
Today the world is just a little bit darker because Frisbee inventor, Walter Fredrick Morrison, has passed away (and surely winning Frisbee tournaments in the sky.)
His sports innovation – a plastic, aerodynamic disc – has become one of the most popular toys in the history of our country. It’s united beach goers, competitive teams and drunken frat boys trying to impress girls with little to no self esteem.
Frisbee has sold over 200 million discs and has inspired other sports including Ultimate Frisbee, Frisbee Golf and Dick Frisbee. Look it up.
Morrison said that he and his wife would bring cake pans and popcorn lids to the beach and fling them back and forth. During World War II, he learned some things about aeronautics by flying his P-47 Thunderbolt in Italy. Side note, our beloved Frisbee inventor was shot down and was a Prisoner of War. For 48 days. If I had a nickel for every time I mentioned Frisbee and POW in the same sentence, I’d have 5 cents.
Needless to say, William Frederick Morrison died a very rich man. I imagine this is much to the dismay of beach goers who kick beer cans around and are patentless. Rest assured litter kickers and others who have invention ideas that could in no, way, shape or form add any value to society as we know it. Below are some real patented inventions that have slipped through the cracks and have exclusive rights granted from the government. Keep the faith, one love and if you dream it..you can do it!
COW GAS - US Patent Issued In 1973 - Collects and measures gas emissions from our livestock.
ANTI-EATING MOUTH CAGE - US Patent Issued In 1982 - The cage is designed to allow us to breath and speak but not eat due to the food barrier that's mounted on our faces.
GERBIL SHIRT - US Patent Issued In 1999 - This shirt is covered with clear plastic tube passageways.
BEERBRELLA - US Patent Issued In 2003 - In order to block the sun, our Beerbrella conveniently clips onto our bottles and provides cooling shade for our beers.
DIMPLE DRILL - US Patent Issued In 1896- To produce our desired dimples, we simply press the Dimple Drill's tip on the dimple lacking area and rotate the dull tipped knob into our faces.
INSOMIAC HELMET - US Patent Issued In 1992 – This helmet is embedded with soft rubbery fingers that stroke our heads from front to back while its little electric motor purrs us to sleep.
KISSING SHIELD - US Patent Issued In 1998 - We can prevent diseases with this germ barrier that consists of thin latex that stretches over our mouths. Its heart shaped.
LIFE EXPECTANCY WATCH - US Patent Issued In 2002 - This watch counts backwards to keep us apprised of our forthcoming expiration dates.
JACQUES FIDO- US Patent Issued In 2001 - Scuba gear for dogs. That is all. Scuba gear. For Dogs.