Thursday, February 25, 2010

Day 201 - Cow Hoof Trimmer

February 25th, 2010

So I’m in the process of looking for a job so I can supplement all my comedy endeavors. I actually have some very intriguing options that seem to be surfacing that I’m genuinely excited about. Getting out into the real world can only contribute to my craft. A lot of us in the arts need to remember that we need to be in the world to observe it. The crème de la crème comedians, for example, admit that fame and fortune have the potential to disconnect them from the types of trials and tribulations that the majority of the population is experiencing. It’s crucial to relate to your audience with the following sentiment: “Hey, we’re all in this together.” Unfortunately, the average audience member isn’t riding a limo, vacationing in Cabo and being stalked by TMZ.

Even in this douche economy, people are working because they thought outside the “this is why I have a college degree?” box. In the spirit of making us have peace with our jobby jobs, let’s visit, shall we, some real opportunities for employment that might make us feel. Things.

1. Odor Tester

We can be a chemist who smells deodorants to make sure they have the pedigree odor that is worthy of coming in contact with our armpits.

2. Waste Station Worker

We get to work with other people’s shit. Literally.

3. Fortune Cookie Writer

This one actually intrigues me. Note to self.

4. Professional Whistler

Not for me. I can’t whistle. I am ashamed. However, I can roll my tongue. According to my extensive research (on Google), this skill has not parlayed into a career option. Yet.

5. Snake Milker

We would be responsible for getting the venom out of snakes to make the anti-venom. I don’t really know what to do with this one but I would imagine a career in B-grade porn would be helpful on our resume.

6. Cow Hoof Trimmer

3 words – Pedicures for cows

7. Ostrich Babysitter

We would sit in a field full of ostrich and make sure that they didn't peck each other to death or get stolen. Ostrich-napped. Very common. Seldom discussed. I’m not even sure if I have the credentials for this because my babysitting experience as a preteen basically involved looking after really easy kids while watching TV and raiding the refrigerator. Tip - Moms always hide chocolate in the back of the freezer. Or their closet.

8. Adult Store Attendant

We would get to clean up the booths where clientele "test" the pornographic merchandise. That is all.

9. Forest Fire Lookout

We would sit in a tower looking for fires. The first thing that comes to my mind was the utter boredom of this job that would undoubtedly turn us into chain smokers to pass this time. Just for shits and giggles, one of us (I’m not saying it’s you) will throw a cigarette out the tower causing a fire...and making our career purposeful.

10. Lawyer

It’s true y’all..some people actually do this. I’ve never met a lawyer who said, “Jax, I really love lawyering.” Yet making a good living keeps them law-centric. I get that. The thing is, I have so many lawyer friends who use my most disliked words when they disuses their job in an overwhelmed angst ridden manner: Stress, paper, aggression, excessive document reading. Plus I also hear that lawyers are frequently approached for speeding ticket advice and are often greeted with a stupid lawyer jokes when entering a meetings (I wouldn’t be able to stomach that one.)

Do you like your job better now? Go hug your boss. Go now. An appropriate hug. Get a hold of yourself.

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