Day 204 - You Feed My Soul. Yeah You

February 28th, 2010

I single-handedly kept the Pinot noir industry in business last night.

I celebrated my birthday with my favorite people at Jake Walk and my friends are givers. Of alcohol. So much red wine was coming my way that there were times that I was double fisting. I was adorable.

Although my memory of the specific events are a bit fuzzy, I have credible proof that I had a great time. My mouth hurts from smiling.

They say that the smile releases serotonin and cortisol in our brains giving the gift of stress reduction, lower blood pressure and an immune system boost. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…never underestimate the wisdom of They.

They also say that smiling is like eating 2000 candy bars.

Oh They. You’re incorrigible

I’ve been smiling a lot lately. I’m very grateful for solid relationships in my life, interesting work opportunities coming my way and that I had a good hair night at my birthday party.

Last night, I was reminded that people are like candy to me. Truly, this is how my soul is fed. This feeling took me back to day Day 21 when I wrote an entry called, “Hi, I’m Jax and I’ll be Your Cruise Director.” In the infancy stages of this 365 day blog challenge, I basically came to the conclusion that being a lover of people is in my DNA. Here’s a blurb from that entry:

I truly enjoy (and if dare say, have a l’il natural ability for) hosting, Mc’ing and warming up audiences. Looking back, I think this is a skill that has been ingrained in me for quite some time.

Growing up in the south, children inevitably learn the ins and outs of the fine art of southern hospitality. Warmly welcoming visitors into our homes was an essential fabric to our upbringing. Plus OUR house had a swimming pool (although kind of not in tip top condition) and a giant basement (equipped with foosball table, dartboard and bar.) What went "down" in the downstairs included the following; turning the space into a comedy club for my dad’s 40th birthday (a little foreshadowing perhaps?), having innocent pre-teen “rites of passage” moments and on the day of Super Bowl Sunday 1986 (while watching “Space Camp” on Beta Max) witnessing my older brother tackle Danny Silvers (resulting in a few stitches on Danny’s head. ) So yes, come to the Kabat’s basement. If you’re lucky, “There Will be Blood.”

My love for hosting continued into high school and to this day friends from my teenage years still shower me with accolades. “I don’t know what it was..but your parties were just the best.” One of my gathering’s success can be credited to throwing the party right after our school’s annual blood drive. Get it? Blood alcohol level works in the favor of getting wasted. Just wanted to be sure. I'm a giver. Memories include people hiking to my house during the snowstorm of 1993 to get to the good times, the stoners introducing marijuana to our yellow lab Honey and some drunk poor soul nibbling on cat food (Tender Fiddles.) The only negative recollection was when someone maliciously got hold of my mom’s CD’s and the horrific sound of Michael Bolton belting “Time, Love and Tenderness” made the party come to an awkward stand still. I think I had one of those slow motion cinema moments where I ran through the house(gracefully leaping over coffee tables and people hooking up) to turn off the music all while screaming that slow mo low muffled “Nooooooo.”

Similar successful parties followed in college and when I moved to New York. Sometime it’s fun to answer the door smiling wearing an oven mitt even when there are no baked goods to offer. It’s just a nice visual. My New York parties (that I threw at my Upper West Side apartment in my early years and later at venues for my annual Halloween Gilda’s Club Halloween party fundraiser) just seem to work. I think it comes down to having a random mix of friends who are all decent individuals. Good people get along with other good people. I get off on seeing my corporate lawyer friend hitting it off with my heavy metal friend. If I can set the tone of making them feel comfortable…the bonding and good times seem to take care of itself.

What’s interesting is “making people look and feel good” is the essential rule to comedy improvisation (and in my opinion, it is also crucial to stand up and Mc’ing.) When I perform, host and teach, it kind of feels like my party. But it really isn’t about me. It’s about my audience and my students and making them feel like they are as comfortable as a Yankee in Dixie. Perhaps I should start handing out Mint Juleps. So it seems helping people have some fun while also providing some degree of comfort is in my genes. Most recently, this knack took me to the Good Morning America Studios. Here is 2 ½ minute clip of when I MC'd for a marketing campaign for eBay. At the ABC studios, I warmed up 15 audiences for a live game show called "LET'S MAKE A DAILY DEAL" that was hosted by Mario Cantone and Monty Hall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyy7sxePQ2E

As much as I struggle to praise Miss Oprah Winfrey, she did (at some point pre-Tom Cruise destroying a perfectly good couch incident) say something rather astute.

“Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”

Day 203 – Penis Panic

February 27, 2010

This is my second blog with penis in the title.

In the spirit of upping my multitasking game, I’m sitting at the salon getting my hair highlighted and attempting to write today’s 203rd blog entry. I despise the term writer’s block…but I'm deep in the throes of this clichéd expression, frustration and ailment. I’m staring at a white screen (or as my dad called a white movie screen when I was a kid...a polar bear in the snow) wondering what journey we can go on today. What safari of verbiage is waiting to filter through?

Let’s just sit here for a minute. Focus. Breathe. My hair is going to look awesome in a few hours. What’s the capitol of Nebraska? Did I leave the oven on? Did you leave the oven on?

Self diagnosis - I’m sick. Sick with Writer’s Block Syndrome. This is when I need to turn the anxiety around in order to embrace my illness and be grateful for real ailments that I have not suffered from. Yet. Let's take a look. These are real. Really real:

- PICA
This is a compulsive appetite for non-edible items, including clay, stones, cigarette ash, paint, glue, laundry starch, ice and (wait for it)...animal feces.

- FOREIGN ACCENT SYNDROME
Without warning, people start speaking with a different accent.

- CAPGRAS SYNDROME
This involves the delusion that a loved one is being impersonated by an impostor.

- JERUSALEM SYNDROME
Victims develop a religious psychosis triggered by a visit to Jerusalem. These people believe that they are prophets and parade around the city speaking Bible talk or exhorting sinners to repent.

- PENIS PANIC
Sufferers become convinced that their genitals are disappearing into their bodies. It can be contagious and “penis panic” swept through Singapore in 1967 and thousands of men became convinced that their penises were being stolen.

Because I like to give my readers tomorrow’s news today, I’m going to share some previews from ailments that are in production and will be released in summer 2010.

- STEVE GUTTENBERG SYNDROME –
People with this ailment have delusions that Steve Guttenberg is watching their every move. And they like it. Those with “SGS” often respond to questions with, “I’ll need to consult Steve Guttenberg before I answer your inquiry."

-EXCLAMATION POINT-IGANOSIS – Individuals with this condition only use exclamations points in all of their writing. Even eulogies.

-PUBERTY – This was such a hit with teens that ailment execs are releasing this syndrome for adults. Sufferers are covered with zits, irritable, self conscious about their awkward body and cracking voice and filled with rage. Then they have a strong desire to operate heavy machinery.

-LIONEL RICHIE
This disease causes people to be obsessed with sculpting Lionel Richie’s head. Even if they get the gheri curl perfect…they have a distorted image of their clay work.

-PENIS PANIC 2 – Just like Penis Panic 1. Just more penis. And panic.

Day 202 - Pluto + Salman Rushdie = Forever

February 26th, 2010

I love my cousin Leah. She’s eleven years younger than me, my little kindred spirit soul sister and the epitome of being beautiful inside and out. Just to verify that the universe is working to keep us close (geographically and emotionally), she just moved 5 minutes from me in Brooklyn. I’m very close to her mother Ruth as well and some of my favorite childhood memories were when they came down from New York to visit us in North Carolina.

In order to celebrate our kinship and friendship, we were planning on going to the planetarium at the Museum of Natural History last night. According to the PR, we were to be “transported to the beginning of time and space, experiencing a dramatic, multisensory re-creation of the first moments of the universe.”

So yeah, “a wintry mix” prevented our well intended field trip.

To our credit, we did end up talking a bit about the scientific study of stars, planets, comets and other celestial objects. I hadn’t chatted astronomy since I took the class the summer between between my freshman and sophomore year in college when I lived (with my other bad ass cousin) Elaine in New Orleans. I took some classes at Tulane and my Astronomy class was instructed to meet in a random field one night to observe something interesting happening in the sky. Meeting at a bar beforehand added to the intrigue of our dissection of the universe.

Leah brought up earth’s very real destination to becoming a dead planet. That inspired my mind to shift to Pluto because no other planet has gotten the celestial shaft more than this stellar remnant.

Pluto was the subject of a" Where are They Now?” documentary that was never released due to extreme disinterest. I would like to share and recap.

Pluto was discovered on “So You Want to be the Next Heavenly Body Revolving About the Sun.” It really won the judges over with its gripping rendition of Blue Öyster Cult’s "Astronomy.” On the harp. After it secured its coveted spot as #9 in the galaxy, Pluto had Saturn ring implants and posed for a “Playboy" pictorial. This was frowned upon by the Intergalactic Confederacy as the pictures were considered too hot...like magma.Pluto was stripped of its crown only to be given the lesser than title, “Dwarf Planet.”

Pluto never recovered from this disgrace and its life took a downward spiral. Hoping to find more work on Earth, Pluto relocated to Vegas and worked at a dry cleaners only soon to be arrested for forging a Valium prescription and demanding money from the register at a video store. With a pellet gun.

Shortly thereafter, Pluto had disappeared. According to credible sources(TMZ), it is speculated that Pluto began receiving death threats from the Iranian government and was hiding with Salman Rushdie. They fell in love.

Rushdie’s gentle love and support got Pluto back on track and they are now living in a modest country home in the Catskills. Pluto has a thriving internet business. "Denim for Dogs.”

Day 201 - Cow Hoof Trimmer

February 25th, 2010

So I’m in the process of looking for a job so I can supplement all my comedy endeavors. I actually have some very intriguing options that seem to be surfacing that I’m genuinely excited about. Getting out into the real world can only contribute to my craft. A lot of us in the arts need to remember that we need to be in the world to observe it. The crème de la crème comedians, for example, admit that fame and fortune have the potential to disconnect them from the types of trials and tribulations that the majority of the population is experiencing. It’s crucial to relate to your audience with the following sentiment: “Hey, we’re all in this together.” Unfortunately, the average audience member isn’t riding a limo, vacationing in Cabo and being stalked by TMZ.

Even in this douche economy, people are working because they thought outside the “this is why I have a college degree?” box. In the spirit of making us have peace with our jobby jobs, let’s visit, shall we, some real opportunities for employment that might make us feel. Things.

1. Odor Tester

We can be a chemist who smells deodorants to make sure they have the pedigree odor that is worthy of coming in contact with our armpits.

2. Waste Station Worker

We get to work with other people’s shit. Literally.

3. Fortune Cookie Writer

This one actually intrigues me. Note to self.

4. Professional Whistler

Not for me. I can’t whistle. I am ashamed. However, I can roll my tongue. According to my extensive research (on Google), this skill has not parlayed into a career option. Yet.

5. Snake Milker

We would be responsible for getting the venom out of snakes to make the anti-venom. I don’t really know what to do with this one but I would imagine a career in B-grade porn would be helpful on our resume.

6. Cow Hoof Trimmer

3 words – Pedicures for cows

7. Ostrich Babysitter

We would sit in a field full of ostrich and make sure that they didn't peck each other to death or get stolen. Ostrich-napped. Very common. Seldom discussed. I’m not even sure if I have the credentials for this because my babysitting experience as a preteen basically involved looking after really easy kids while watching TV and raiding the refrigerator. Tip - Moms always hide chocolate in the back of the freezer. Or their closet.

8. Adult Store Attendant

We would get to clean up the booths where clientele "test" the pornographic merchandise. That is all.

9. Forest Fire Lookout

We would sit in a tower looking for fires. The first thing that comes to my mind was the utter boredom of this job that would undoubtedly turn us into chain smokers to pass this time. Just for shits and giggles, one of us (I’m not saying it’s you) will throw a cigarette out the tower causing a fire...and making our career purposeful.

10. Lawyer

It’s true y’all..some people actually do this. I’ve never met a lawyer who said, “Jax, I really love lawyering.” Yet making a good living keeps them law-centric. I get that. The thing is, I have so many lawyer friends who use my most disliked words when they disuses their job in an overwhelmed angst ridden manner: Stress, paper, aggression, excessive document reading. Plus I also hear that lawyers are frequently approached for speeding ticket advice and are often greeted with a stupid lawyer jokes when entering a meetings (I wouldn’t be able to stomach that one.)


Do you like your job better now? Go hug your boss. Go now. An appropriate hug. Get a hold of yourself.

Day 200 - Fear is a Dick

February 24th, 2010

Today is my blog’s Bicentennial, the 200th entry of my 365 day writing challenge of cosmic angst through the eyes of comedic insight. I feel that I should mark the significance of this event and take some type of celebratory action. However, when I think of the word Bicentennial, only images of poorly acted and costumed Revolutionary War Reenactments come to mind. I can’t do that to my blog. To you. To me.

The word that keeps coming to my head after 200 days is commitment. I’m my toughest critic and wouldn’t dare talk to someone the way that I talk to myself at times. I have chosen the comedic path for the past thirteen years. I am able to give myself an internal high five and tell myself that if I didn’t have any talent that I would have given it up a long time ago. The bright and harsh reality is that I chose a road that offers us creative type’s exhilaration or gut wrenching uncertainly. Seldom anything in between. I chose it. It chose me. I’ll be riding this wave my entire life because, as I’ve written before...it’s my life-force.

My challenge is that I am surrounded by loved ones who live a much more conventional lifestyle that provides them, above all, security. Although they recognize my talent, I am a thinly veiled artist who tends to absorb their anxiety. Their concern is well intended but I have to make a conscious effort to not let this ignite fear in my life’s direction.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve spread myself thin by being involved in so many aspects of comedy (improv, sketch, stand up, hosting, writing, and teaching.) Many comics just hone in on one of these outlets but I’m intrigued by how comedy, as a whole, entertains, heals and taps into so many arenas. One of the reasons that I decided to commit to a yearlong blog project was so I could have a place for all my ideas to live. Not only do I feel that I’m creating a portfolio, but the process is showing me that I have found a way to encompass every facet of comedy that I’ve been dissecting since my early 20’s. Or probably my entire life. I feel that’s unique. It’s certainly cathartic.

I need to trust that security will follow soon. But it’s up to me to see it. To feel it. To create it. Fear is a real dick and I won’t let it into space, debilitate me and win. Then the terrorists win. Or something like that.

Thanks for listening guys. And not interrupting. I’m going to speak to myself kindly and praise myself for sticking with this blog, my artistry and my heart. OK. we should celebrate. Come join me as I light fireworks. In my living room.

Day 199 -Spelunk You

February 23rd, 2010

The first time I realized that I might have a tinge of claustrophobia was the summer before my senior year in high school when I went to Israel on a program called the Israel Summer Institute. This particular program focused on the great outdoors so we camped in the desert, kayaked in the Red Sea, rappelled down mountains and partook in many other activities that upper middle class Jewish teenagers do to build character. And feel edgy.

It was when we went caving (also known as spelunking to seasoned cavers and perverts) that I had my first encounter with the claustrophobic symptoms of restriction, panic and suffocation. I recall the exact scenario that was the catalyst for this episode. As I was in hardcore female MacGyver mode and exploring this natural underground environment, three Israeli soldiers passed me with a sense of urgency, guns and rancid body odor. I wasn’t fazed that there could have been danger ahead; it was their foul odor that accelerated my anxious need to exit immediately. This beautiful gift of nature had now turned into an underground prison. High security. I turned around and speed caved through the narrow not man made corridors in order to find fresh Israeli air, light and peace. For dramatic effect, my over dramatized memory of this catastrophe was synonymous to Jamie Lee Curtis running in terror from Michael Myers in “Halloween.” Not the sub par sequels. It was like they just stopped trying. I digress. Finally, like a gift from God, the Israeli Prime Minister and Air Supply, I saw the light and felt as if I had completed my journey through the birth canal.

I had been given birth to. Then ate a falafel.

Day 198 - As Good As Roger Ebert Gets

February 22nd, 2010

In 1997, I saw the movie “As Good as it Gets” with a boyfriend who turned out not to be as good as it gets. The guy is long gone but I have revisited the Oscar winning film over the years and I seem to resonate with it more and more. Many people that I have asked on the street, at parties and in my head agree. However, praise for the film is not uniform among critics. Roger Ebert gave "As Good As it Gets," three stars (out of four) and called the film a "compromise, a film that forces a smile onto material that doesn't wear one easily." This review was bizarre to me as most critics critique Roger Ebert for liking everything. Everything.

As I’ve written the last few days, I’m very committed to engulfing myself in “the sunny side of life.” As my readers know, on some days, my writing is rather reflective and then there are times when I write about my suspicion that men pee on each other in the men’s bathroom while chanting "Penis! Penis! Penis!" (Day 35 – Penis - http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-35-penis.html.)

A few years ago, I watched “As Good as it Gets,” downloaded the screenplay and wrote down my favorite lines. A real case study. I obviously thought it was pertinent enough to document. The lines seemed..I don't know..sunny. Regardless, I want to cement the dialogue that reached me in my little piece of the blogosphere . You might respond to it well or prefer to join Roger Ebert as he praises the genius of his home movies. On Betamax.


1) MELVIN - You make me want to be a better man



2) CAROL - It's really something that you're
looking after Simon. And what I
said on the street. That was a
bad thing to say. And it made me
sick to my stomach. It was a bad
thing to say. And I'd be lying if
I didn't say that I enjoyed your
company... but the truth is you do
bother me enormously and I know --
think -- that it's best for me to
not have contact with you because
you're just not ready and you're a
pretty old guy to not be ready...
and I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary
kindnesses that did take place.
So thanks for the trips...



3) SIMON - But you know where you're lucky?

MELVIN - Absolutely not.

SIMON - You know who you want. I'll take
your seat any day. So do
something...



4) CAROL - Stop it!! Why can't I have a
normal boyfriend??? Why? Get out
of here. Just a regular boyfriend
who doesn't go nuts on me...

BEVERLY - Everybody wants that, dear -- it
doesn't exit...



5) MELVIN - Just let me talk.

I'm the only one on the face of
the earth who realizes that you're
the greatest woman on earth. I'm
the only one who appreciates how
amazing you are in every single
thing you do -- in every single
thought you have... in how you
are with Spencer -- Spence...

... in how you say what you mean
and how you almost always mean
something that's all about being
straight and good...
I think most people miss that
about you and I watch wondering
how they can watch you bring them
food and clear their dishes and
never get that they have just met
the greatest woman alive... And
the fact that I get it makes me
feel great... about me!

You got a real good reason to walk
out on that?

Day 197 - Sometimes Drinking Doesn't Make you Fat. A Birthday Miracle

February 21st, 2010

Yesterday I wrote about my intention to start a gratitude journal, a way to consciously call attention to the things that I am thankful for each day. According to people that Oprah would approve of, acknowledging what we’re grateful for makes us the deliberate attractors of positive vibrations.

Today is my 35th birthday and, to my credit, I have always possessed the capacity to appreciate the blessings in my life. But there is always space in my world to draw more positive people and circumstances. They say gratitude is how to achieve more bliss and I would never dare question the wisdom of They.

In the spirit of starting my next year of life in a “being the deliberate attractor of positive vibrations” kind of way, I will revisit what I was thankful for today. I’m in Charleston, SC and my mom, bless her heart, was committed that I have a rockin’ birthday. I guess I would too for the person who came out of my body 35 years ago.

- I’m grateful that I woke up spooning a dachshund. Might sound a little suspect…but it would have been more bizarre if he was spooning me. I’m grateful that I didn’t roll over onto the part of the sheets where he had “piddled.” I‘m grateful that I have control of my bladder.

- I’m grateful that my mom brought me a smoothie, coffee and multigrain toast (with a delicious buttery flax seed oil)…while I was in the shower.

- I’m grateful that my mom and I had some good talks in the car on the way to our “spa day” at the Sanctuary Hotel on Kiawah Island. I’m grateful that she reminded me that I pushed my babysitter in our pool. Her name was Debbie Twilly. I was two years old.

- I’m grateful that mom and I shared a good laugh when we recalled my ex boyfriend meeting the doctor who delivered me at a wedding. The ex says to me, “Jax, he’s seen you AND your mom naked.”

- I’m grateful that I weighed myself for the first time in a year and weigh exactly the same despite my recent love affair with red wine.

- I’m grateful that I went all out and ordered French toast at brunch (to celebrate not gaining weight during my short failed attempt with alcoholism.)

- I’m grateful that I was so relaxed during today’s cranial sacral massage that I drooled. Like a jowly Saint Bernard.

- I’m grateful that my mom still has my blue and yellow baby blanket. Its name was Coconut. Naturally.

- I’m grateful that I got to spend time with my 90 year old grandmother who is so kind, gentle and wise.

- I’m grateful that the sushi restaurant that we went to made their rolls with brown rice.

- I’m grateful that I received an abundance of birthday cards, calls, texts, emails and Facebook posts. In fact, I am so blown away by everyone’s thoughtful well wishes that I’m no longer bummed that nobody sent me what I really wanted. A singing telegram. In Cantonese. And a pony.

- I’m grateful that I can write Day 197 in today’s blog title.

- I’m grateful that my mom's dachshunds got hold of the remote and somehow recorded EURO SLUTS 2. It was weird because I thought the dogs were gay. Plus..come on.. like it's possible to follow the brilliance of EURO SLUTS 1.

Day 196 - Action Jax-on's Positive Twist

February 20th, 2010

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." - Melody Beattie

Years ago, a friend suggested that I keep a gratitude journal so I could be more open to the abundance that life has to offer. I’ve never been particularly consistent with doing this, but as a birthday present to myself, I really want to make more of an effort. I do believe in the law of attraction and the energy that we put out there comes back to us exponentially. For better or for worse.

In comedy, it’s crucial to attempt to tap into universal issues that cause anger or that we find ironic. However, I am not a bitter person and I think there is a way to project this angst without seeming like a victim.

I turn 35 tomorrow and according to my “in tune" friend, this age is supposed to shake up some pretty heavy subconscious stuff. What exactly? Not sure. It’s the subconscious.

On Day 79, I wrote an entry called “35 Things That Piss Jax Off.” I don't like that the # "35" is attached to a list of my negative thoughts. I'm gonna do a little shifting on my last day of being 34 and in an effort to remind myself that I can turn chicken shit into chicken salad, I have challenged myself to stretch and be grateful for ALL circumstances. In the list below, I have added Jax’s Positive Twist (JPT) under each of my grievances that I aired four months ago.

1. Holocaust deniers

JPT – Of course this one is first. My postive take on this is I don’t know any of these people personally so I must be choosing the right friends. Just not interested in sharing a fancy caffeinated beverage with Jew haters.

2. Mariachi bands on the subway at 7:00am

JPT - They’re making an honest living and start their workday early. Solid stuff.

3. Being yelled at

JPT – We're not being ignored. That sucks. Ass

4. People who are the most judgmental about drugs are the ones who should be doing them.

JPT – Maybe some people who seem to be judging actually really care about us and have a hard time showing it. Psychology 101

5. Guys with Asian fetishes

JPT – These guys have a type. They think it. They feel it. They manifest it. I salute them. Besides, guys who have Asian fetishes aren’t my type. Let’s not waste our time.

6. Being depressed or having anxiety

JPT – Experiencing emotional turmoil means that we have the capacity to feel things deeply. Although challenging, it is sometimes necessary to tap into these low depths to improve consciousness, creativity and compassion.

7. People who think they’re profound but really aren’t

JPT – In our gut, we know we would beat them at a “Philosophy Off”. This game is not intended for children under 3.

8. Commentators who just like the sound of their own voices.

JPT – That’s confident. I wished I liked the sound of my voice better when I listen to it on my voice mail. It might not be me. It is. Sigh...

9. The fact that I wrote this sentence on my website that describes my comedy improv workshops: “I know what it takes to deliver an experience that is low on stress and high on fun.”

JPT - At least I have a website(that hasn’t been updated in two years.) I’m awesome.

10. Putting Disney movies in the vault

JPT – If the movies go in, we can take Disney's jewelry out. And sell it. And pay rent.

11. People so naïve that they should pronounce it nave

JPT - They don’t have to explain what the accent is(..) over the I. Nobody really knows. Or cares.

12. People who are all talk and no action

JPT – This is a tough one. Um, more action for us? I want to call myself Action Jax-on. You can too. OK stop. I don’t like it any more.

13. Kicking someone while they're down

JPT – It’s an effective cardio workout

14. People who say “Don’t bring Jesus into this.”

JPT - Maybe they're right. Jesus is hot. Could be distracting

15. Trying to find Waldo(he’s kind of a dick)

JPT - We have the gift of sight that allows us to even see..a dick.

16. People who are the The Yodas of movie ruining. “Bruce Willis was DEAD in the Sixth Sense. Bambi's mother dies. Crying Game. It's a dude.”

JPT – We don’t end up seeing the movies and save a significant amount of money that we can contribute to a retirement plan. Or beer.

17. Cheap umbrellas turning inside out. Yet, I continue to buy them.

JPT -We're supporting the guys on the street selling these umbrellas because you know who’s a fan of small business owners? We are.

18. The fact that people buy that the Pillsbury Doughboy and Snuggles the Fabric Softener are as happy as they let on.

JPT - Snuggles and Doughboy are great actors. I smell Oscar

19. Mini Revolutions on Facebook when they redesign the site layout

JPT - The previous graphic designer who created the old design is feeling great about himself. And he's getting a lot of ass.

20. People who act self-righteously to mask their own insecurity

JPT - They are candy for a comic. It writes itself.

21. The fact that David Caruso is considered a sex symbol

JPT – This gives hope to Ronald McDonald. I’d like to see more sex symbols with face paint. And Big Macs.

22. People who always emotional vomit on me

JPT-People seem to trust me and emotional vomit doesn't involve cleaning up last night’s chimichanga.

23. Obsessions with dead celebrities

JPT - Better than being obsessed with me. I've had stalkers. Not that into it.

24. CNN backdrop music after a horrific event in the news

JPT - Sometimes it’s good to share a cry… with CNN. Bonus if we can nuzzle in the bosoms of Wolf Blitzer.

25. Controlling people

JPT - Sometimes they will do things for us when we feel lazy. They're like Dick Cheney to our George W. Bush.

26. When someone replies to an Evite with a: No +1. They’re basically telling me, “Not only will I not be coming..but someone you didn’t invite has also decided to pass.”

JPT – More food and alcohol for our real friends and our real +1s

27. People who read The New York Post to get real news. It’s The Onion. Without the humor.

JPT - Sometimes they leave them on the subway and we have something to stick our gum in or kindle our F train bonfire.

28. People who constantly mention that they have PhDs

JPT - At least they aren’t bragging about having STD’s

29. People who cross the fine line between honesty and disrespect

JPT - Eventually they'll get into a rumble with a freakishly big and strong person. And lose. I jut wanted to write the word rumble.

30. When people say, “Being a kid in the 2000’s is tough.” You know what else is hard? Being an adult.

JPT – Being an adult is challenging indeed. At least we’ve already ungracefully perused and miraculously survived that horror show they call puberty.

31. I’m sick of celebrities beating up paparazzi. Did you become an actor for the love of the craft or for fame? Sorry, lack of privacy is the price you pay. On some level, you love it and we know it.

JPT - Sometimes we see stars without makeup and realize, “Hey stars are just like us.” Just a little more attractive.

32. Self righteous vegans and vegetarians

JPT - They won’t take the coveted good pieces of filet mignon in a buffet line.

33. People who overuse exclamation points!

JPT – They find joy in the smallest things. Like sentence structure. That’s nice. I mean, that’s nice!

34. People who are so germaphobic that their debilitating phobia affects others

JPT - Maybe they’re right. Is playing in feces really that fun?

35. I am over 3 people: Gwyneth Paltrow, Suri Cruise and, of course, Al Roker. I’m done with you all. Now be gone.

JPT – They don’t know that I feel this way. Or care. Jokes on me. Well played Roker, Gwynnie and mini-scientologist.

Day 195 - Your Loss Pantene

February 19th, 2010

I have this thing where I try to pull all-nighters the night before I have early flights. Nothing is more gratifying than sleeping for an entire plane trip. To my credit, I was successful in last night's mission and my flight from LaGuardia to Charleston, SC early this morning was refreshingly not memorable because I was out cold the entire time. I also fell asleep standing up in the security line. Luckily the people in front and behind me were overweight (in an endearing way) so I would have had sufficient cushioning if I fell.

I came down to South Carolina to spend the weekend with my mom because she just celebrated a birthday and mine is in a few days. We’re going to have a spa day on Sunday because that’s just the kind of mother daughter team we are. Waiting for me in my room was a “Happy Birthday” helium balloon and my favorite perfume made by some little lady in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s called “Whore”...Whore Perfume. That’s right. Could mom be any cuter?

I was only here for about an hour before mom and I collectively decided that I needed my hair trimmed. Badly. I’ve always had an affinity for having long hair but it’s gotten a little out of hand so I ended up getting a few inches cut off. Only people with very long hair would even notice.

There was a point a while back when I was considering donating my hair to Pantene because they make free wigs for women who have lost their hair to cancer. Nice right? Well, I was denied because my hair..my hair…wipe away tear…didn’t pass the stringent requirements. And I was so very close.

These were the requirements:

- Donated hair must be a minimum of 8 inches long
Jax - Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

- Hair should be freshly washed and completely dry, without any styling products.
Jax – Check. Products scare me.

- Hair may not be more than 5 percent gray.
Jax – Don’t insult me

- Hair may be colored with vegetable dyes, rinses and semi-permanent dyes. It cannot be bleached, permanently colored or chemically treated..
Jax - Um yeah...this one’s a problem. I’ve been getting highlights since Sun-In turned my hair orange in 7th grade. Plus I wouldn’t dare jeopardize my relationship with my colorist, Lucy Lui. A real peach.

Pantene, although you declined the opportunity to make a wig out of my tainted hair, I have found a population who is thrilled to have my donation. As is. My hair will be donated to dogs and cats that have recently had their stomachs shaved prior to being spayed and neutered. My long golden locks will subtly cover the exposed region of any domestic animal that will no longer feel any thrill from humping, licking themselves and Animal Planet porn.

Namaste

Day 194 - Bill Withers' Evil Twin. Phil Withers

February 18th, 2010

Before I headed to do a spot at Otto’s Shrunken Head in the east village last night, I stopped in my neighborhood bar to plan my set, drink a glass of Côtes du Rhône and eat some of the free happy hour mussels. Shellfish that is just given away might be cause for alarm…but it still seems less questionable and more glamorous than the free hot dogs they’re serving for no charge at Rudy’s in midtown. Then like a gift from God and Jesus Harold Christ, the Bill Withers masterpiece, “Lean on Me” began to gently float throughout the French bistro. I just can’t get sick of this song. It makes me feel. Feel hard. I took pause from my writing, the Moroccan man next to me stopped talking about spearing fish in Puerto Rico and the crazy eyed elderly man at the end of the bar stopped talking gibberish to himself. We were all collectively entranced and smitten by the music because “Lean on Me” is a uniter. Not a divider.

I bet you’re singing the lyrics in your head right now. If not, you’re dead inside.

I’m blessed and grateful to have kindhearted and loyal friends and family in my circle of trust that have lovingly carried me through some challenging times. Bill Withers seems like a standout guy and must have a bright soul in order to create a song that continues to affect the masses. I wonder if he has an evil twin, Phil Withers, who also sings the same song but with an underlying tone of insincerity, animosity and evil doing. I imagine his true intentions would be in the following parenthesis. Phil Withers is a real dick.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
(Except me. I’m emotionally stable. Unlike you)
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow
(Unless it’s December 20th, 2012. Because according to the Mayan calendar, the world is going to end the next day.)

Lean on me, when you're not strong
(Have you put on weight?)
And I'll be your friend
(Just on Facebook)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(I just need to wait for the cable guy. He gave me a three hour window)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
(Again, don’t count on it. I can swallow my emotions like family members at a waspy Connecticut Christmas.)

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
(But I expect them to be returned...like my Bible, rifle and cake pan.)
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show
Lean on me, when you're not strong
(Seriously, consider laying off the carbs.)
And I'll be your friend
(No, not Facebook. Myspace)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(Just let me get through the series finale of “LOST”..then I’m all yours)
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
(Hitchhiking)
I'll share your load
(Even though I have a bad back and would be jeopardizing my health)
If you just call me
(Not collect)

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
(Actually, just text me)
We all need somebody to lean on
(When we’re drunk)
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
(How does a Bill become a Law?)
We all need somebody to lean on
(When we play Helen Keller in a community theater production of "The Miracle Worker.”)

Lean on me when you're not strong
(I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “A moment on the lips...an eternity on the hips.”)
And I'll be your friend
(Actually..not Facebook or Mypace. Let’s aim for Friendster or Classmates.com)
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
(I just looked at my day book. I’m booked for the rest of 2010.)
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
(When I lose a leg in a freak mechanical bull accident)

Damn you Phil Withers. Damn you. No, I am not interested in sharing a General Mills International Coffee with you. Unless it’s the Vienna Blend.

Day 193 - Pillsbury Doughboy - Operating Drug Ring. Out of Laundry Room

February 17th, 2010

Several years ago, I was at rehearsal and not so nonchalantly scanning the members of my sketch comedy improv group. It quickly came to my attention that each cast member resembled a piece of bread.

- I was whole wheat. I tan well.

- Brandon is from Ohio so he was cast as Wonder Bread.

- Tamara is tall and skinny …which made her a bread stick.

- Troy is African American so he obviously would be our pumpernickel.

- Kenny is gay as a French horn. Danish.

Of course these assessments were purely from a physical standpoint. Ayn Rand said, "Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy on life." I think the same can be applied to the bread someone desires:

Flatbreads

Flatbread is quite popular in many different foreign cultures. People attracted to this yeast-free bread have a worldly nature and enjoy soaking up the culture in the places they visit. Sometimes they go overboard. I went through a flatbread stage and got involved with a Flatbread drug lord who used sophisticated tunnels to smuggle garlic, parsley,chilies and oregano from Mexico into the United States in the early 1990s. In 1993, a 7.3 ton shipment of his basil, concealed in packaging of Hebrew National Hot dogs, was destined for the United States and seized in Tecate, Baja California. Prison was no picnic for my former employer (and lover) because Flatbread drug lords are considered the scum of the scum by other inmates.

Sourdough

With its distinctive tangy flavor, sourdough is loved by people with zesty personalities and a penchant for vibrant conversation. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if an individual has consumed this bread or is on a coke bender. Stick it out for a few weeks. They’ll either get fat or become psychotic. You’ll have your answer.

Multigrain

People who enjoy multigrain are part of the Facebook group, “Fan of Fiber.” Multigrainers love poetry slams, reusable energy and are very well read as they spend a significant amount of time on the toilet. Multigrain’s appeal entices a person with an "earthy" personality. According to yeast historians, the Multigrain Riot of 1998 started when processed dough advocates raided a multigrain commune. In Portland. The Multigrain battle cry continues to be, “The whiter the bread, the quicker you’re dead!”

Day 192 - Tuesday. No Rose For You

February 16th, 2010

It seems as if we’ve had a rather eventful past few days with Sunday being Valentine’s Day and yesterday giving us President’s Day. Last night I was standing outside of my neighborhood French bistro in the snow. In the spirit of promising to be honest with my readers, this phrase actually uttered from my mouth: “Presidents Day really is a time when dreams come true!” My friend, who doesn’t miss a beat, followed up with, “This is the best President’s Day ever!”

The glory was short-lived as we have landed on Tuesday, the day of the week with little to no charisma. In the Greek world, Tuesday (the day of the week of the “Fall of Constantinople”) is considered an unlucky day. It is also a harsh reminder that it is not the weekend. Or nowhere near it. It comes to no surprise that this day of the week gave us Black Tuesday’s stock market crash which is considered the beginning of the Great Depression. Tuesday, you are part of my great depression. I would not put out for you.

Each day of the week makes me feel something palpable and I’m trying to process through these feelings.

In order to determine the day of the week that could be “the one” for me, I conducted a rose ceremony. Clearly Tuesday was the first to be eliminated… but the rest of the weekdays have their merits and are still in the running. Here’s why they’re contenders:

Wednesday,

If the work week were a hill, then you would be the crest. You’re often referred to as "hump day" because of your position as the middle day of the work week. Although I enjoy your promiscuity, my mother, Ash Wednesday, would never approve of your notorious hump whore status. I’ve brought home Wednesdays before and she branded their foreheads with ash. But for now, dear Wednesday, I want to continue to hump. Hump hard. Wednesday, will you accept this Rose?

Thursday,

My heart melts as we watch Must See TV while eating moo goo gai pan. Out of the box. You’ve made me realize that the promise of a weekend is not just a fantasy. It’s a reality. I also can’t deny that I so enjoy hitting Thursday night happy hours with you. The more I drink…the more attractive you get. And for that, I offer you a rose.

Friday,

You are my Sabbath, a precious gift from God, a day of great joy that I eagerly await for throughout the week, a time when we can set aside all of our weekday concerns and devote ourselves to higher pursuits. I love that we can just stay home, drink six bottles of Manishevitz and watch “Friday Night Lights.” Who wants to go out on Fridays anyways? Amateur night. You’re a pro and I am honored to offer you this rose.

Saturday,

When I think of you …I think of glorious free time. And you make me feel so very. ..so very... free. I love that we talk about being productive with laundry, shopping and cleaning…and ultimately do none of it. Being unproductive with you reminds me that I am nowhere near being perfect and have a lot of free time to think about that. That’s a gift. A rose. For you.

Sunday,

I cherish our mornings when we lay in bed, cuddle and do the “New York Times” crossword puzzle. Jesus loves Sunday’s as well. Although I don’t think he is the son of God, JC is hot. Like you. Please do me the honor of having this rose.

Monday,

I adore that you’re the beginning of the week and nothing has gone wrong. Yet. We’re just sharing our best selves and we haven’t presented our dark sides. Spending time with you is a beautiful illusion that everything is perfect. You make delusion sexy and I want you… to have this rose.

Sadly, I was unable to have further rose ceremonies because a jealous and enraged Tuesday came in with an AK-47 and violently shot all the other weekdays. Dead.

Ratings skyrocketed.

Day 191 - I'll Put Food on Your Family

February 15th, 2010

Today is President’s Day, a time when dreams come true and Billy Ray “Bubba” Bob’s car dealership is having a massive sale on used Chevrolets .

It’s officially a celebration of George Washington's day of birth but over the years it has become a time to honor all the “It” Presidents. These guys should be praised as they possessed character, vision and competence. The following are the heads of state that have inspired me to create a shrine in their honor. I burn incense, wear a powdered wig and play “Nothing Compares to You.”

- Abraham Lincoln

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts."

- Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

- George Washington

"The nation which indulges towards another a habitual hatred, or a habitual fondness, is in some degree a slave. It is a slave to its animosity or to its affection, either of which is sufficient to lead it astray from its duty and its interest."

- Thomas Jefferson

"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just; that his justice cannot sleep forever. . . the Almighty has no attribute that can take side with us in such a contest."

- Theodore Roosevelt

"No Man is justified in doing evil on the grounds of expedience."


Although seldom acknowledged, today is also the time to recognize our county’s highest political officials that lacked popularity, effectiveness and good decision making.

- Warren G. Harding

Our corrupt 29th President served only two years in office. Harding’s decision to fill his administration with friends and political allies (that helped him get elected ) proved to be a bad idea as they took bribes, did political favors and abused their power. Harding himself is said to have remarked: "I have no trouble with my enemies. I can take care of my enemies in a fight. But my friends, my god damned friends, they're the ones who keep me walking the floor at nights."

While embarking on a massive tour of the western states, the President is said to have been infected with food poisoning and died of a heart of attack soon after. Harding thus became the fifth President to succumb to the deadly "Curse of Tecumseh," which was said to befall Presidents elected every twentieth year.

Urban Dictionary’s definition of Harding - “A sexless prison of platonic friendship.”

- Richard Nixon

In addition to Watergate and impeachment, Nixon owed back taxes, had accepted illicit campaign contributions, and had harassed opponents with executive agencies. Ordering the secret bombing of Cambodia was a nice touch. He was named by the grand jury investigating Watergate as “an unindicted co-conspirator” . Delusion persevered and he died never “owning” his lack of ethics by admitting criminal wrongdoing.

Urban Dictionary’s of Nixon - "The sex act of a woman performing fellatio on a man while humming the National Anthem."

- Andrew Johnson

In a letter to the governor of Missouri he wrote: “This is a country for white men, and by God, as long as I am President, it shall be a government for white men.”

Urban Dictionary has quite a few definitions of Johnson.

- George W Bush

To his credit, GW did provide us the new sport of linguistic gymnastics and some of my favorite quotes. Ever.

-"Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." --to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle, Mobile, Alabama

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, New Hampshire

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Missouri.

Urban Dictionary. The last name. Too easy.

- William Harrison

After delivering a long-winded inaugural address in the rain, he came down with pneumonia that made his 30-day presidency the shortest in U.S. history.

Although Urban Dictionary does not have a definition for William Harrison, they have one for Harrison Ford – “The 44th president of the United States.”

Day 190 - Project Skank

February 14th, 2010

Happy Saint Valentine's Day y’all! This annual holiday falling between February 13th and 15th celebrates love and affection between intimate companions. Lovers express their emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment by exchanging cheaply manufactured gifts that imply, “ I really don’t care enough to send the very best."

The truth is, I’m rather indifferent toward this day. There’s nothing wrong with people giving loved ones little heart shaped “Be Mine” candies (that look like cavities.) This day offers couples the well deserved opportunity to ignore issues that present themselves the rest of year. “I don’t care that you’ve been unfaithful! These helium balloons are stunning! I’m not even bothered that you bought them so last minute that they were out of Valentine ’s Day balloons. I LOVE that it says 'Happy Birthday Grandma’!”

Then there are the bitter single people referring to February 14th as a “keeping Hallmark in business holiday” that provides 24 hours to reflect on the loneliness and misery of going through life alone. For those that are single, here is a short poem that could make you feel soothingly better or suicidal-like worse about relationships past:

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. Rather it makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person, how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along.”

This was from a book of poems that I had in high school by a man who(in typical poet fashion) goes by one name. Javan. The book was called “A Heart Full of Love” and the poem was dedicated to his golden retriever. Brandon.

I do feel that it is wise to let go of relationships gracefully. On this V-Day 2010, I’ve been reflecting on men of my past and although belated, I would like to give a proper thank you to some of these men who have contributed some significance to my life.

1) I feel compelled to send a shout out to all the subway voices that announce inaudible messages. Some people might think you’re saying, “The next stop is Times Square.” But I know what you’re really trying to imply is, “Jax. You are everything I want and more. And good call on those jeans. Your ass looks great.”

-For you inaudible faceless subway men: A teddy bear. In a bag. You be my bear. I’ll be your bag. Oh, you don't get it? It's your simplicity that I find so endearing.

2) I want to thank the guys who rolled my house sophomore year. I’m still not exactly sure who you were..but I know that artfully putting toilet paper in my trees was your way of saying, “Hey Jax, we think you’re one of a kind.”

-For you, rollers of the toilet paper - cheap drugstore chocolate. Whitman's. From Duane Read. I’m not sure I agree with “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get." Feel free to reveal yourselves now because you’ll be certain of what you’ll get. Lucky.

3) In high school, my friends and I would drive to a grocery store in the most redneck part of town. We would scan the parking lot in search of the most hillbilly of men and ask them to buy us beer. We called this mission, “Project Skank”. On this Valentine’s Day, I want to thank all the skanks of Greensboro, NC for buying underage girls beer. And not raping us.

-For the skanks - A floral arrangements from 1-800 FLOWERS. This cheap carnation arrangement is guaranteed to complement the deer head on your wall. It’s Bambi’s mom? I knew you were special.

Day 189 - Performing Enhancing Pigeons

February 13th, 2010

The 2010 Winter Olympics, officially the XXI Olympic Winter Games or the 21st Winter Olympics, had its opening ceremony last night in Vancouver. You know who didn’t watch it? This one. No interest. Felt nothing. Feelings of nothingness. I find that this so called international spectacular is only Must See TV when there are boycotts, performing enhancing drugs, bribery of officials and terrorism.

I’ve also grown too keenly aware of the reality that I'm too old to train for any summer or winter Olympic event.

Perhaps I’m just bored with the current sports that young adults lose their childhoods training for. Below are some events in Olympic history that could persuade me to catch a case of the Olympic fever if they were reinstated:

- Live Pigeon Shooting

- Pistol Dueling

- Tug-of-War

- Motor Boating

- Running Deer Single Shot

They got rid of these sports but kept ping pong, speed walking and synchronized swimming?

Since I do possess the gift of seeing situational silver linings, I can’t dismiss that not having a gold medal (silver medal or that embarrassing bronze medal) to take home does offer us medal-less commoners some advantages.

1)Our life’s purpose wouldn’t have piqued as a teen or young adult. Sure we’d have our fifteen minutes of fame and a Taco Bell endorsement, but the rest of life’s journey would ultimately take us down the dismal road that leads to a reality show consisting of has-been celebrities. If we’re lucky.

2)We’ll never have to train with Romanian gymnastics coach, Bella Károlyi, who would verbally and psychologically abuse us during workouts. We’re sensitive. We don’t need his constant critical remarks about our weight that would undoubtedly lead us to eating disorders. Plus, I like having boobs.

3)Let’s assume that we would display our gold metal on the mantle. Now we have more room. For the urn. Of Grandpa. Who happened to be a gold medalist live pigeon shooting. Grandpa was awesome.

Day 188 - POWs & Patents

February 12th, 2010

Today the world is just a little bit darker because Frisbee inventor, Walter Fredrick Morrison, has passed away (and surely winning Frisbee tournaments in the sky.)

His sports innovation – a plastic, aerodynamic disc – has become one of the most popular toys in the history of our country. It’s united beach goers, competitive teams and drunken frat boys trying to impress girls with little to no self esteem.

Frisbee has sold over 200 million discs and has inspired other sports including Ultimate Frisbee, Frisbee Golf and Dick Frisbee. Look it up.

Morrison said that he and his wife would bring cake pans and popcorn lids to the beach and fling them back and forth. During World War II, he learned some things about aeronautics by flying his P-47 Thunderbolt in Italy. Side note, our beloved Frisbee inventor was shot down and was a Prisoner of War. For 48 days. If I had a nickel for every time I mentioned Frisbee and POW in the same sentence, I’d have 5 cents.

Needless to say, William Frederick Morrison died a very rich man. I imagine this is much to the dismay of beach goers who kick beer cans around and are patentless. Rest assured litter kickers and others who have invention ideas that could in no, way, shape or form add any value to society as we know it. Below are some real patented inventions that have slipped through the cracks and have exclusive rights granted from the government. Keep the faith, one love and if you dream it..you can do it!


COW GAS - US Patent Issued In 1973 - Collects and measures gas emissions from our livestock.

ANTI-EATING MOUTH CAGE - US Patent Issued In 1982 - The cage is designed to allow us to breath and speak but not eat due to the food barrier that's mounted on our faces.

GERBIL SHIRT - US Patent Issued In 1999 - This shirt is covered with clear plastic tube passageways.

BEERBRELLA - US Patent Issued In 2003 - In order to block the sun, our Beerbrella conveniently clips onto our bottles and provides cooling shade for our beers.

DIMPLE DRILL - US Patent Issued In 1896- To produce our desired dimples, we simply press the Dimple Drill's tip on the dimple lacking area and rotate the dull tipped knob into our faces.

INSOMIAC HELMET - US Patent Issued In 1992 – This helmet is embedded with soft rubbery fingers that stroke our heads from front to back while its little electric motor purrs us to sleep.

KISSING SHIELD - US Patent Issued In 1998 - We can prevent diseases with this germ barrier that consists of thin latex that stretches over our mouths. Its heart shaped.

LIFE EXPECTANCY WATCH - US Patent Issued In 2002 - This watch counts backwards to keep us apprised of our forthcoming expiration dates.

JACQUES FIDO- US Patent Issued In 2001 - Scuba gear for dogs. That is all. Scuba gear. For Dogs.

Day 187 - Jax’s Fun Pass. For Things. That are Fun.

February 11th, 2010

Since it seems as if I need to be riding the subway quite a bit today, I purchased a 1 Day Unlimited card, affectionately referred to as “The Fun Pass”. You know what? So far….not so fun. If you’re going to throw in an adjective that suggests entertainment,amusement and enjoyment, I need to see more follow through. I’m not even picky as to how the New York Transit System applies this so called fun promise. I just need to see them trying. Some suggestions: A clown making animal balloons. A hot tub on the A train. I’d even settle for a rumble between a mariachi band and some homeless preachers. You said Fun Pass. Prove it. Come on.

I did some extensive research (in the past 15 minutes) and discovered a few other places that offer these passes of fun that we need to discuss.

Guests on a Carnival Cruise ship can register for a Fun Pass that claims to expedite the check-in process by registering for the cruise in advance, while also satisfying Department of Homeland Security requirements. OK. Just the fact that Fun Pass and Homeland Security are in the same sentence is red flag #1. Not to knock a giant boat once promoted by a singing KathyLee Gifford, but it seems as if cruises have turned into death traps. People disappear. A lot. Under suspicious circumstances. I’m going to start distributing Jax’s Not-So Fun Pass that guarantees passengers seasickness, weigh gain from the all you can eat midnight buffet on the lido deck and death. Bonus that your body will be lost at sea and never recovered!

The NMRA is The National Roads and Motorists' Association that offers a single day entry to Sea World, Warner Bros. Movie World and Wet n’ Wild Water World in Los Angeles . That’s cute. Right? Well for shits and giggles let’s take away the “M” and then we have ourselves The NRA Fun Pass. This gives me more to work with as I do feel a National Rifle Association Fun Pass would encourage more kids and parents to enjoy the lighthearted good times of guns …as a family.

Finally,Wahooz Fun Zone in Meridian, Idaho offers a fun pass that allows us UNLIMITED use of:
Laser tag, miniature golf, go-karts, bumper boats, Kiddie Cove and 10 arcade tokens. You might be saying, “Jax, Kiddie Cove sounds awesome! But Idaho?” Don’t judge too soon readers. I found out a few facts that make Idaho bearable enough so we can have the time of our lives at Wahooz Fun Zone.

1)They have a convincing mission statement: “Wahooz Family Fun Zone creates an EXPECTATION of EXCELLENCE among crew members, guests, and the community by providing the highest quality service that always EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS.“

2)Wahooz Family Fun is RIGHT next door to Roaring Springs Waterpark !

3) Idaho has the country’s lowest gonorrhea rate! So when you leave Wahooz Family Fun, your Fun Pass guarantees that you can whore around Idaho. Gonorrhea free! (This offer does not apply to syphilis, herpes and genital warts.)

Day 186 - Snow : The Sexiest of the Precipitations

February 10th, 2010

There is chaos among New Yorkers today. Another 9/11? No. Black out? Guess again. Snow…the holy mother of all emergencies. When the white stuff is coming down...people love to talk about it. In length. Then buy milk.

Is it possible that snow is really just God's cocaine falling from the sky? Don’t refute this too hastily. If you created the world in seven days you might need a powerful nervous system stimulant to give you an extra kick. It takes a lot of energy to build night, day, heaven, seas, sun, moon, stars, animals, man and the internet in one week. According to the folklore in my head, there was supposed to be another week of creation but God’s excessive dosages of this crystalline tropane alkaloid resulted with lethargy, tremors and psychosis.

I do feel that snow is the sexiest of precipitations. Evidently, I am not alone in this assessment.

Here is a preview for Fox’s newest reality show called “So You Want to be a Water Vapor Falling from the Sky Idol.” Judged by Simon Cowell.

Contestant # 1: Rain

Simon: That was terrible, I mean just awful. You are far too common in the competitive world of water vapor. My advice is that you fire your precipitation coach and know that you’ll never surpass the mild fame you achieved in Costa Rica during rainy season.

Contestant # 2: Hail

Simon: Did you really believe that you could become the next Water Vapor Falling from the Sky Idol? You’re a pathetic excuse for a complex dance between moisture, wind and ice crystals. You have to commit. Do you want to fall to earth or not? Go back to your cumulus cloud, lose some weight and if you want to pursue a career in precipitation, don't.

Contestant # 3: Snow

Simon: (Sitting back, arms crossed and looking very pleased.) Congratulations, you’re coming to Hollywood in the clouds. You could very well be the next “Water Vapor Falling from the Sky Idol.”

On a final note, I feel that snow also plays a pivotal role to local weathermen, who in my opinion, are generally mangled faced 40 year old virgins. Last night I saw a glimmer of hope in the 11:00PM local weather guy’s eye as he was giving us the green screen stats about the upcoming storm. He must live for this shit because it’s a real power position that he seldom experiences. After the news, I see him heading to the bar at TGI Friday's and greeted by a slew of women who find sex appeal and mystique in someone who speaks snow. His confidence gets the best of him and he delivers the following line to his admirers. “Yeah, I predict some inches. In my pants.”

Day 185 - I RATE the Hell Out of You

February 9, 2010

I was in a rather in depth discussion last night with two of my guy friends about getting to the essence of people that we date and being honest with ourselves about someone’s long term potential. I shared with them a barometer that a very “in tune” friend suggested that I implement when choosing future romantic partners. On one hand, it seems rather simple but it also has proven remarkably helpful in keeping me in check. She suggested that I use the RATE system. It’s an acronym. The answer to all four questions below must be an absolute, feel it in your gut yes for a potential healthy romantic relationship. If not, the person will just be a friend or perhaps not in your life at all.

R – Do you respect the person?
A – Are you attracted to the person?
T – Do you trust the person?
E – Do you empathize with the person?

Blog readers, I’ve RATED you and the answers are yes, yes, yes and a thousand times yes!
On Day 80, I did write you a love letter that seems appropriate to revisit:

October 27th, 2009

Dear Blog Reader,

Today is day 80 of my 365 day blog entry challenge and I feel that it is time to address the elephant on the web page. We’ve been through so much together..mostly a lot of intimate reading and writing. After three exhilarating months, I think you should be aware that I am deeply and utterly in love with you blog reader. I know that you have feelings for me too because I see the comments that you make on my blog entries. Even if you don’t..I just have this feeling that I am on your mind. Part of it is my intuitive sixth sense(combined with the ticker counting my visitors at http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com.)

They say that you are what you eat, but before you, I hadn’t thought it possible to devour an angel that had fallen from the sky. You are as succulent as the most chocolaty glass of soy milk( not whole milk because that makes my stools watery..but you learned that the hard way.) When you said, “Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.”...I felt like I worked at UPS and was given permission to check out your package. Also, I so adore when we finish each other’s cliché pick up lines that are reserved for frat boys.

You - What has 148 teeth
Me - and holds back the incredible hulk?
You - My Zipper.

(Laughter ensues)

I feel that it is best that I be honest with you before we continue our reader/writer relationship. Blog reader, we have a child, a Miniblog if you will. Yes, I’m sure it’s yours..and I’m offended that you’d even ask. My entry entitled “Day 60 – ‘Makin' Whoopee!’” got you so aroused that it resulted with an immaculate virtual impregnation. A miracle indeed. It’s not easy being a single mom in the big city working as a diner waitress and stripper to bring in ends meet. Can you hand me a tissue and a jaeger shot? Thank you.

I was afraid to tell you sooner because I know you're reading other blogs. I get that it’s hard for you to commit to just one webpage with self righteous commentary as there is such a variety out there of different shapes and sizes. Some have short content. Others long. Some have black backdrops while others have paisley. Some are more politically based while others are written in Chinese(and you do have that Asian fetish.) Plus, I recognize that newer blogs are as insecure and willing to put out faster than self-loathing insecure 20 somethings in Manhattan.

At your core, I know that you’re fragile and I am sensitive to the fact that other blogs have burned you before. I appreciated your candidness when you shared that you hit rock bottom when the blog that you thought was “the one” dropped you after gaining notoriety with a movie deal and a regular column in the “Duluth News Tribune”. What a bitch. With such loss and rejection comes emotional baggage that makes it difficult for you to trust a new blog.

I will wait for you my beloved. Let’s take it slow.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving, and your right was Christmas...all I ask is that you give me permission to visit you between the holidays.

XOXO

Love Always,
Jax

I wrote this to you all 3 ½ month ago, we stuck it out (even for that brief period when you thought you caught a case of the gay) and now I RATE you more than ever. We’ve been intimate for six months and I just want to hold you, shower you with kisses, cheap drugstore chocolate and witty(real or perceived) one liners. Go look outside. Go. Go now. There is something waiting for you. No, not the Lexus with a giant red ribbon wrapped by God. That’s next door. Look down. That’s right. For you, a Teddy Bear. In a bag.

Day 184 - Dream Crusher

February 8th, 2010

Those of you following my 365 day blog entry challenge have probably figured out that I am a constant seeker. Most of all, of happiness. Most recently, I have made a conscious effort to surround myself with people that make me feel good about myself. I’m not saying that I need validation from others to determine my self worth. I know that resides within the codependent spectrum and true happiness comes from within (blah blah blah.) But being in the presence of authentic good energy is something to take note of. When you’re with people, simply ask yourself, “Do I feel good?” Ask your body. Do you get a pit in your stomach? Sometimes intuition speaks to us more rationally through our body than through our head. Plain and simple. If someone (whether deliberately or not) tries to take you down a notch…watch your back. Maybe they’re doing the best they can. But that’s not good enough for my blog readers. We’ve been through so much together, you’ve gotten into my heart and you know who doesn’t want you hurtin’? This one.

Let’s take a 180 on day 184. Do you think that you’re one of those people who aren’t making people feel bad enough about themselves? Perhaps that’s your life’s purpose and your joy, good energy and competence are getting in the way of hurting people that you care about. There are a few key areas that you need to be really focusing on harder in order to make people feel insecure: Their work, friends, family, health, love life, spirituality/ personal growth and financial.

Let’s break this down:

• Work – Make sure that your loved one or friend knows that they chose a career path with a dead end. If they get any sense from you that there is the opportunity for advancement, there could be an increase in self esteem and you have failed as a dream crusher.

• Friends - You can really sucker punch a person by saying, “The only reason people spend time with you is so they can feel better about themselves. Your glaring failures are the gifts that keep on giving.”

• Family – Tell them, "I've spoken to your family and they are one step away from whiting out your face from the family portrait from Grandma’s 90th birthday."

• Health – If they’re not a smoker, make it clear to them that their lifetime around second hand smoke is sure to kill them. Then tell them they have the right look for the “Living with Herpes” poster. Then try to high five them.

• Love life – Tell them that their significant other is married, in need of a green card or president of the "Al Roker Fan Club.”

• Spirituality/Personal growth – If the person that you’re trying to take on is dabbling in spirituality, just tell them that it is very common for insecure people to seek solace by joining a cult. Then burn them with incense.

• Financial – It’s very important that you keep a person in constant fear concerning their financial status. Questioning their investments and reminding them that they won’t even be approved for a Capitol One credit card is a good place to start. I also suggest taking a look at their W-2’s, shake your head and say, “Well at least you have unemployment for one more week..oh you don’t..that blows

Day 183 - Google Schmuck

February 7th, 2010

I wish there was a place where we could get any answer to anything at anytime. Just at the touch of our fingertips. What’s that? What’s this “interweb” you speak of? Really? That’s unbelievable because I’ve been using these Encyclopedia Britannica books for all my inquiries.

Surely I jest as I am aware of this cyberworld that has been helping students plagiarize for years. Let's talk Google, the holy mother of all search engines that can search 8,058,044,651 web pages that generates a few million results within a fraction of a second. I am hoping that Google will think about sharing its excess of wisdom in more personal circumstances. For example, let’s take a bar fight about to happen:

Drunk Frat Boy 1 – You slept with my girl! Once I put down this delicious and refreshing Papst..I'm going to kick your ass!

Drunk Frat Boy 2 – Dude, no I didn’t. I was with a hooker that night.

Random Bystander with a Laptop – Drunk Frat Boys, I’ll just Google it! I’ll just type in “Did Drunk Frat Boy 2 sleep with Drunk Frat Boy 1’s special lady friend?”

(There is a fraction of a second pause while he searches. Although, it feels like 1 second because the tension is so high)

Random Bystander with a Laptop – Yeah..he totally tapped that.

(A Rumble ensues)

Google, I propose that there be another subdivision of Google called “Google Schmuck” where we can be provided answers to shallow and insignificant questions that will in no way, shape or form benefit us.

Some sample questions for Google Schmuck:

• Was that guy in high school who looked 45 a narc?

• In the commercial, why does the woman always say yes when the guy proposes to her in the Italian Piazza?

• Why is David Caruso a sex symbol?

• Why did that Mariachi band have to play on the subway at 7:00am?

• Where is Waldo? Why do I care?

• Why do I best express my thoughts through PowerPoint Presentations?

• Why do so many guys have Asian fetishes?

• Should I break up with a therapist who does not blow smoke up my ass?

• I’m confused. Was Bruce Willis really dead in the “Sixth Sense?”

• Have Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty found each other at the Del Boca Vista retirement community in the sky?

Google, Google Schmuck is your next goldmine.Trust me. Think it. Feel it. Manifest it. I mean, it's no dumber than Google Earth.

Day 182 - Happy Half Birthday to My Blog

February 6th, 2010

Today is day 182. This is technically the 1/2 way point of my “365 Day Blog Entry Challenge of Cosmic Angst Through the Eyes of Comedic Insight.”

For 6 months my Hewlett-Packard laptop and I have written in coffee shops, Chinese restaurants, in beds, on couches, in bars, in guys apartments that I’m no longer dating, airplanes, trains, subways, NY, LA, San Francisco, Austin, Charleston, open mics, my grandmother's assisted living, my hair salon, a hospital waiting room when visiting my stepfather, the stoop in front of my apartment, a high security prison. Can you believe that!?...OK that's a lie.It wasn't a Chinese restaurant… it was Japanese.

When I started this project on August 9th, 2009 my intentions were just the hope that this type of endeavor would melt some blocks that were making me feel metaphorically stuck…emotionally, creatively and spiritually. I felt that committing to this for a year would be a tool to get back into my flow, add structure to my days and create a portfolio and a home for what resides inside my brain. Of course there was always that psychic who told me that my life’s purpose was to be a healer and utilize comedy like an alchemist and turn the lead of everyday trials and tribulations into the gold of the spirit. I am not self righteous enough to think that I am constantly successful at this, but it seems like a more intriguing purpose than being an accountant.

I generally don’t know what I’m going to write until the day of. That’s the improviser in me just trusting that the present moment will create the most authentic material. Attempting to keep the writing tight and addressing universal topics (through a comedic perspective) that we all find ironic is the stand up comedian in me. Getting feedback from you all is the “Ok, I admit it. I love the validation” part of me.

I know there are some newer followers who have mentioned that they haven’t had the time to go back and read earlier entries. Similar to “LOST” during its 8 minute overview of the entire series, I will now provide a quick synopsis of the events that have occurred in my blog over the last 6 months.

In summation:

There have been times that I have been tempted to throw an intervention for myself because I’m a big of fan of crudités, boxes of wine and denial. We learned that tits are powerful and I stopped getting things for free in the winter months when I am covered up. In the summer, the neighborhood scaffolding guy asked for my phone number because I looked like I had a “nice set of personalities.” Choosing a waxer is like picking a lover because both involve an act so intimate which involves endurance, strength, shared sensory experiences and interdependence. My dream is to have a bar called Bar Mitzvah. I’ll have an endless supply of top shelf Manishevitz, patrons will pay in savings bonds and I’ll have a sign behind the bar that says," Hava Nagila Have a Tequila!” I’m convinced that when men go to the bathroom with each other that they joyfully piss on each other while chanting, “God DAMN! I LOVE HAVING A PENIS!!!” I had some reflective days and wrote about being in control of life’s challenges as opposed to allowing them to control us. I conceptualized an ice skating show spectacular entitled “Sure. This is The First Time You Weren’t Able to Maintain an Erection. On Ice.” We learned the power of the blogosphere when someone with the title “Executive in Charge” from Jerry Seinfeld’s production company asked me to take a post down that could be damaging. I did not and wrote a blog entitled “Executive in Charge of Myself.”: http://jacquelinekabat.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-125-executive-in-charge-of-myself.html. You now know that I intend to start a line called Jax's Baby Doo-Rags. For babies. In baby gangs. I tested your knowledge in determining if someone was a Jew, not-a-Jew or Canadian. I shared Jax’s Guidelines For Using Time-Outs With Adults. I admitted to my readers that I feel like I live inside a Broadway musical because I once dated a guy whose last name was Of The Opera..first name, Phantom, I have an usher in my apartment who escorts me to my furniture and I once had a cat that could sing, dance and did a gripping rendition of the song “Memories.” She went on to have a promising film career.. then got involved with the Taco Bell dog and died from a chimichanga overdose. We learned that on Christmas, Moses took Jesus to T.G.I Fridays for his birthday. I created a 12-Step program for hipsters do de-hipsterize. We compared PMS to a tornado, learned how to make love while conscious, read a fairytale entitled “The Serotonin That Lost Its Way” and went inside a purse and learned that our keys are gay.

We’re in this together and oh…the places we’ve gone.

Thank you for reading and please join me for another 6 months for some flow, some angst, some laughs and(hopefully) lending a voice to my interpretation of the experiences that we’re sharing.

Day 181 - Kick Ass, Bad Ass and Have a Nice Ass

February 5th, 2010

So I’ve developed this special relationship with Urban Dictionary. There’s a new fad where you can type in your name and get a definition that can shift any emotions of low self worth.

Urban Dick’s definition of Jacqueline:

“The hottest girl you'll ever meet. She has the most amazing eyes, amazing boobs and an amazing ass. She’s the best person you'll ever hookup with and I mean BOTH meanings! She can seem shy at first but once you get to know her she’s the bomb. Jacqueline is also a party girl. She’s very picky so if you get the chance to do anything with her then you better cause she’s one in a million.”

Sample sentence 1 - Oh my God! She's so hot she must be a Jacqueline.

Sample sentence 2 - You hooked up with Jacqueline? You’re the luckiest person alive!

So yeah, this makes me feel pretty kick ass, bad ass and like I have a nice ass.

Since I was already time wasting on Urban Dictionary, I decided to look up the word “doppelganger" since it is “Doppelganger Week” on Facebook. We were instructed to change our profile pictures to someone famous that we’ve been told we resemble.

Below are three definitions of doppelganger from my favorite website with no credibility:

1) Someone that looks the exact same as another person.

2) An orgy held at a Doppler radar station.

3) When two penises are placed into the same condom used to have intercourse with a woman.

Assuming that Facebook was working with definition # 1, I thought about some people that I've been told that I look like. There are 2 very distinct categories: One makes my self esteem plummet into a dark negative spiral while the other is a catalyst for feeling pretty fantabulous.

Make Jax feel bad and tell her that she resembles Kristin Johnson, Janice from the Muppets and someone Tiger Woods would have an affair with.

Make Jax feel good(even if you’re stretching the truth) and tell her that you can’t believe her uncanny resemblance to Ursula Andress, a young Candice Bergen, Kim Cattrall, Laura San Giacomo and Jax's mom.

My observation is that Facebook users have posted pics in the more favorable arena despite any inkling of inaccuracy.

Oh Doppelganger Week...you're adorable. Thank you for giving us the gift of a few days to believe that we're more famous, interesting and beautiful than we actually are. Doppelganger, your doppelganger would be Awesome.

Day 180 - Zombie Attack Safety Guide

February 4th, 2010

Yesterday I was sitting at the bar at Michael Jordan's Steakhouse in Grand Central Station with my friend Robin. My cousin Gail passed away a few years ago and Robin was her best friend from college. We have developed a friendship and meet up periodically and talk about memories of Gail, how comically different our lives are (Robin is married with 3 daughters living in Westport, Connecticut) and whatever other topics seem appropriate at the time.

The whole world of blogging entered our conversation. She told me of a woman (busy with wife and mother duties) who committed to reading a book once a day for a year and writing about it. Everyday.Single. Day. She got a book deal. This blew me away as I am a slow reader and can’t even fathom such a personal challenge. It has come to my attention that a lot of blogs that are getting attention are yearlong projects that are very specific challenges. We had Julie Powell, who aspired to cook all 524 recipes from Julia Child's “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” during a single year, we have our reading savant and then of course we have me with my 365 day blog entry challenge of cosmic angst through the eyes of comedic insight. I vacillate whether my subject matter is too broad even though I do feel that every entry is “angsty” and comic-esque.

As I approach my half way point, it has occurred to me that this year will actually end and my project will be complete. I’ve asked myself if I should be planning another yearlong project with a very specific endeavor that has not yet been tapped into.

Here are some thoughts for the theme of my next 365 day blog challenge. I am also open to your suggestions. Every day I will do one of the following. And write about it.

• Visit an inmate in a high security prison

• Wax a different body part

• Have sex with a stranger

• Have sex with myself

• Come up with a safety tip to protect us against the zombie attack

• Build a robot. With my feet.

• When asked if I want a larger popcorn at the movie theater..my reply, "Yes yes..a thousand times yes!”

• Chest bump an elderly person

• Try a different hallucinogenic drug

• Break into interpretive dance at inappropriate places and times while wearing a spandex body suit and appear to be catching an imaginary butterfly

• Get trapped in wells around the world

• Watch a Kevin Bacon movie

• Send a ransom note

• Go up to a fat person eating and say, “A moment on the lips an eternity on the hips.”

Day 179 - PMS – Natures Most Unforgiving Natural Disaster

February 3rd, 2010

I asked my men readers the following: How does a woman's PMS affect YOUR life?

- Zachary B Atkinson - I don't know what you are talking about. What is this mythical thing?

- Edward A. Sotelo - It's why I'm single.

- Neil Arthur James – Gross (FYI, Neil’s gay so anything period related gives him the
heebeegeebees)

- Michael Weithorn - When I was married, and had an adolescent daughter, my biggest fear
was that there might be a perfect storm of them being hungry and PMS-ing at exactly the same time, and they would team up and kill me.

I can sympathize with the plight of what a man must endure the week before there is blood flowing from the uterus of a special lady in his life. This why I am offering you:

Jax’s Safety Guide for Men to Protect Themselves from Women with PMS

Though women with premenstrual syndrome can strike in an instant, there are precautions and preventative measures that men can take to increase the chances of surviving the catastrophic effect of a woman’s PMS. Do not attempt rationality as that will only increase the severity of crying spells, irritability and mood swings. Otherwise known as High Terror Alert.

Have a pre-determined plan should a PMS warning be issued. Going to a basement or an interior first-floor room of a sturdy building greatly increases chances of survival. In PMS-prone areas, many buildings have storm cellars on the property. These underground refuges have saved thousands of men from anger, danger and a woman’s exponentially increased appetite. She will eat you. Then some dark chocolate.

Some countries have premenstrual syndrome agencies that forecasts breast tenderness, acne flare-ups and weight gain from fluid retention that coincide with PMS attacks. My blog provides an alarm when a severe PMS advisory is issued. Unless the woman is far away and highly visible, I advise men to find a sturdy shelter. Wear a helmet. If no appropriate shelter is nearby, getting low in a ditch is the next best option. Highway overpasses are one of the worst places to take shelter, as the woman will be reminded that you don’t take her on enough vacations.

The aftermath of premenstrual syndrome can be devastating, but knowing what to do after a PMS strikes will make the recovery effort easier, quicker and safer.

• The woman undoubtedly threw some dishes. Stay away from harmful debris
• Remain calm, especially around children.
• Check on the elderly and your pets.
• Take pictures of your damaged property should the episode lead to a demise of your marriage and divorce court.

Your life will seemingly return to normal for the next 3 weeks. Just remember: As a woman ages, PMS will disappear and be replaced by the magic of menopause, natures way of saying, “You should have had a baby sooner.”

Day 178 - You're Depressed. No, Seriously. You Are

February 2nd, 2010

I’m going to share something intimate with you all today. Let’s curl up under the covers, light a candle and eat Chunky Monkey. Out of the carton. Are you comfy cozy? Yeah me too. Oh sorry. I thought that was my leg.

The other day I was writing my blog in my office (which is also referred to as a coffee shop in some circles.) This voice over interrupted me and was trying to convince me that I was depressed. No one else seemed to hear it. For the sake of getting material, I entertained this invasive voice over. Briefly.

The exchange went down like this:

Voice Over: Hello Jacqueline

Jax: God?

Voice Over: No. Not God. But close as I am a supernatural-like entity and overseer of the universe. I am..Voice Over.

Jax: Oh. Yes. I’m familiar with your work. Can I help you?

Voice Over: Jax, feeling sad or down?

Jax: Um..no

Voice Over: Perhaps a loss of interest in normal daily activities?

Jax: Not really. I’m doing what I need and like to do.

Voice Over: Come on..you’re having trouble focusing and concentrating and have had unintentional weight loss or weight gain? Right?

Jax: Oh..I get it. You’re giving me the “Are you depressed?” quiz. Good hustle Voice Over..but I’m feeling alright these days. I'm taking care of myself.

Voice Over(growing frustrated and desperate): Jacqueline Beth Kabat, you must feel worthless. Come on!

Jax: I don’t. Although I wish I had more financial security, I find my life rather purposeful. Sorry Voice Over. Do you work on commission?

Voice Over(defeated): Yes…

Jax: That must be challenging. It probably causes you to be restless, irritable and easily annoyed?

Voice Over – It does Jax. It does.

Jax: So sorry to hear that because that must mean you’re also having problems sleeping, difficulty making decisions and crying spells all the time.

Voice Over- Oh Jax. I weep all the time. Like a baby. That is little.

Jax: I just have to assume that you have had a loss of interest in sex?

Voice Over - This is true. I haven’t been giving my girlfriend, Lunesta Voice Over, the attention that she deserves.

Jax: Voice Over, I’m just going to be blunt, you’re depressed.

Voice Over – I am Jax. Sometimes I just want to end it all. My life started spiraling when I was turned down for voice over roles as Trojan Man and Next on HBO Guy. I took a job that was beneath me and was announcing the Blue Dot Specials at the grocery store before I got this gig attempting to convince perfectly healthy people that they suffer from a debilitating depression. I’m a fraud. Scum I am.

Jax: Voice Over, admittance is the first step to healing. Right now..you just need some loving. Come cuddle in bed with me. And my blog readers. Chunky Monkey? Oh..you’re lactose intolerant? I have soy ice-cream. I’m going to read you a fairytale from Day 6. It’s called "The Serotonin Who Lost his Way.”

The Serotonin Who Lost his Way

STORYTELLER
(Read like a children’s fairy tale)
Once upon a time there lived a lovable happy chemical named Serotonin, the most delightful mood enhancer that ever was. One day his mother, having made some freshly baked endogenous signaling molecules, said to him,

MOTHER
Go now Serotonin, and deliver this basket of neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain…I can feel that they are needed somehow…

SEROTONIN
Alright!

STORYTELLER
Serotonin set out immediately through the Nervous
System Forest. Upon his journey he came to a magical river of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

PBR
Where are you going young tike?

STORYTELLER
Oh naive Serotonin. He did not know that it was dangerous to talk to
a river of cheap beer said,

SEROTONIN
I am going to see my grandmother….she’s the best!
And I have to give her this basket of neurotransmitters

PBR
Well surely you must be hot and tired and have time to take a swim…?

STORYTELLER
Said the River of PBR with remarkable coherence.

PBR
I will make you feel popular, confident and really horny.

SEROTONIN
Cool! I love horns! Nothing is more fun than playing
with my Trombone!

STORYTELLER
Serotonin enthusiastically dove into the river and was having the time of his life.
He felt so very happy and free. Then suddenly, things became very fuzzy, he
blacked out and the next thing he remembered was waking up several hours later in a pool of his own vomit that reeked of neurotransmitters.

SEROTONIN
The river certainly doesn’t feel so pretty and magical now.

STORYTELLER
As he lay hung-over along the bank, he realized than in order
to get the Neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain…he would need the strength to
climb Victim Complex Mountain…and he was so..so..so tired. Then, out of nowhere, it started snowing. Now this wasn't normal snow. This was fine white powdery snow that Serotonin breathed in and began absorbing through his nasal membranes. Within 10-15 seconds Serotonin felt very stimulated with a sudden burst of euphoria. He was buzzing with anticipation of climbing Victim Complex Mountain.

SEROTONIN
I'm buzzing with anticipation of climbing Victim Complex Mountain!!(Powerful part of Hazy Shade of Winter Plays)

STORYTELLER
Serotonin felt like the fastest Cheetah in the land as he speedily ran up Victim Complex Mountain. Then, when he got to the top, the amazing snow had stopped coming down and he felt very very sad and just wanted more snow so
very badly. He said,

SEROTONIN
Gosh I ‘m just so irritable, paranoid and really out if it. I feel like a Zombie.

STORYTELLER
…and Zombie's are scary….

SEROTONIN
I have no idea how I can muster up the
energy to deliver what’s left of mom’s scrumptious neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain.

STORYTELLER
On top of Victim Complex Mountain, Serotonin sat alone crying
and hopeless as he leaned against Blame it on Your Parents Rock. Suddenly, he was approached by a slimy looking man in an Armani suit

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
You seemed to have lost your way young Serotonin. My name is Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man and my Prozac pellets will ensure that you and your Neurotransmitters get to your Grandma Brain.

SEROTONIN
Wait!

STORYTELLER
Exclaimed a cautious Serotonin

SEROTONIN
My mommy warned me about you Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man! You're really just a case of aggressive marketing gone bad, with a mixture of corrupt physicians, underhanded payola and total disregard for patient health.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Oh young Serotonin, no use in protesting…because there is no way you can resist my pellets of Purple Horseshoe Prozac, Yellow Moon Zoloft, Blue Diamond Lithium, and Green Clover Placebo pills.They’re magically delicious. Ha..ha, ha.ha(extended evil laugh)

STORYTELLER
Right as Serotonin was falling under Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man’s horrible spell ..The Fairy Good Buddha From the Far East flew in on her Flying Yoga Mat.

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
That’s what you think Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man!

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Ahhh…we meet again Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
We both know that Serotonin can get to his Grandma brain with alternative approaches like meditation, hypnosis, reiki, herbal remedies and acupuncture.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Prepare to die Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
Oh…I will only reincarnate you scamp!

STORYTELLER
Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man began angrily throwing his pellets at Fairy Good Buddha from The Far East…but then she used her most powerful weapon… meditation. This made Evil Pharmaceutical Industry Man powerless and he began to melt.

EVIL PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY MAN
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Look what you've done! I'm melting, melting. ...

SEROTONIN
Oh thank you for saving me Fairy Good Buddha from The Far East!

FAIRY GOOD BUDDHA FROM THE FAR EAST
Now hop on my magic flying yoga mat precious Serotonin because I’m going to take you to your Grandma Brain!

SEROTONIN
Alright!

STORYTELLER
Unfortunately Fairy Good Buddha was flying her yoga mat under the influence of her powerfully potent herbal supplements. Serotonin never got his basket of Neurotransmitters to Grandma Brain because he and Fairy Good Buddha from the Far East had a bloody mid air collision with a Boeing 747 and their bodies were never recovered. And little ones…that is the story of The Serotonin Who Lost His Way…

THE END