September 1st, 2009
There are a few things that are perplexing me more than usual at this moment: Al Roker’s career, the pan flute and young women on Facebook/Myspace who post pictures that they have (poorly)taken of themselves. Along with Russian strippers, the population most guilty of the “lamest online portraiture on Facebook” are girls ages 18-23 who generally come from smallish town USA and are relatively new to urban living. You know who you are… the breed that still dots their I’s with circles, hearts and smiley faces, wears scanty outfits while passing out shots at a Stoli’s promotion. All while while claiming to be “models.” Girls. Some tough love here. You’re the Gary Buseys of the Nick Noltes of the modeling world. You’re not entitled to possess the term “model” as your own when your “agent” has an AOL address.
Let’s visit some lyrics from a poignant Flight Of The Conchords song - The Most Beautiful Girl In The Room
And when you're on the street
Depending on the street
I bet that you are definitely
In the top three
Good looking girls on the street
Depending on the street
Cause you're so beautiful
Like a tree
Or a high-class prostitute
You're so beautiful
You could be a part-time model
But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job
A part-time model
Ladies, I fear that you could be on the horrifically ugly road to diner waitress in 3 to 5 years. Getting by on your “good enough” looks without bettering yourself…bad idea. I feel as if I have some credibility in this area because I ‘ve lived in New York for 12 years and comedians are trained observers. Believe me, it never ends pretty. You might get a boyfriend who puts being with a “kind of hottie” at the top of his list of “what he’s look for in a special lady” attributes. But once you wear that inappropriate short dress that barely covers your ass with 6 inch heels to a wedding that his parents happen to be attending …he will have a smack of reality. There will be yelling and tears. I’ve seen it.
Sure, you might “claim” to have a talent like singing. But the sad reality is that girls prettier than you with worse voices and easier access to pre-recorded vocal tracks will get the job. Sorry.
But what disturbs me the most are these “self portraits” that you proudly post online. Features include: awkward closeup angle that emphasizes over glossed/lined exaggerated pouty lips, severe eye makeup and an expression that suggests that in high school you were voted “Most Likely to Get an STD.”
What breaks my heart even more is that it is implied that you don’t even have a network of family and friends to even take your picture. So sad. You used to surround yourself with fat girls so you’d be the “pretty one” and stand out..but even they grew tired of this below par image you seemed unjustifiably content with. You are alone. No one to explain Grey’s Anatomy to you.
Here is where I come in. Mom and dad instilled the importance of philanthropy in me and I think(as a relatively self aware girl) that I can shift this potential train wreck. I’ll say to you Lacey(Katrina, Ginger..) “Let me take you under my wing.” I’ll go to your apartment, scrub the paint off your face, say something like, “Young lady you are not leaving the house wearing that,” and then we’ll sign you up for some continuing education classes.You want to be a dental assistant? Fine. And before I set you on your newly directed path... I will take your Facebook picture.
As I leave shedding a tear, I am overcome with emotion and just tell myself, “If you love something…set it free.”