Friday, September 18, 2009

Day 41 - Planes, Trains, Magical Unicorns and Automobiles

September 18th, 2009

I have utilized a paella of modes of transportation in the midst of this Los Angeles/ San Francisco getaway. I know what you’re thinking, “Jax got to ride on a mythological horned horse…(pause for effect)…um, that’s awesommmme. Lucky bee-atch.”

Yesterday I was waiting at the gate for my LA to San Francisco flight with random travelers in medium to high tax brackets. Meandering around an enclosed space with other people with roll luggage seems comparable to taking a dog to the dog park. Have you ever noticed how people look like their luggage? As I was taking note that every airport carpet from metropolitan hubs to podunk towns seems to be modeled after a Cosby sweater, the passengers from my “soon to be plane” started to deboard the aircraft. They all looked unbelievably fatigued and disoriented. Really? I mean, you just sat in a chair in the sky for a few hours. I was perplexed as to why they looked like they had just finished a 10K run and were stumbling to the porta potty. Even if your flight was exhausting..the first thing you see is a Cosby sweater. That is guaranteed to give you an intense kick of hardcore pizzazz. Sometimes the deboarders resemble people exiting a movie we’re about to see. We should get the lowdown as to what is in store for us. “Did the pilot deliver his on board announcement with that pleasant combination of clarity and chutzpah? Did you get reprimanded for not returning your seat to a full upright position? Any mile highers? ” The seasoned passengers would then give us the information requested, we’d express our gratitude and then give them a high-five.

Stewardesses. It seems to me that their function is becoming more and more obsolete. I yearn for the days of the live "how to use a seat belt" show. That was a classic with the demonstrator’s “S&M is easier than it looks” suave delivery. Now we have a televised safety informational video exemplifying that half animated passengers are geniuses at applying their oxygen masks before assisting a small child. Jesus Harold Christ, robotic forces have taken over these people’s jobs. I thought if I watched “Short Circuit”(Guttenberg was brilliant) over and over that I could create a mechanical artificial agent to write and perform for me. It didn’t take.

These glorified waitresses of peanuts and beverages just seem bored. I was tempted to press the stewardess button and expect to see every flight attendant running towards me to avoid the dull emotional state caused by lack of activity. I decided against the experiment since I had smuggled 2 ounces of face lotion on board. My behaving badly quota had been filled for the day.

No one should feel that their job no longer has use for them. Am I right…people who created New Coke? I want to reach out to the stewardesses across the land and encourage them to take control and switch careers before they get the ax. Don’t delude yourself Missy. It’s comin’. Just having picked up my 3 year old niece from daycare, I would strongly recommend turning in the winged pin for the opportunity to be a preschool teacher. Flight attendant’s skills are 100% transferable to working with the little youth of today. Let’s take a look...

Stewardesses and preschool teachers both

• Greet and see off passengers/kids with a sugary sweet welcome and good bye.
• Provide blankets and pillows for nap time.
• Hand out things to read.
• Encourage single file lines.
• Have the same look. Young and kinda hot or old and kinda cuddly. Seldom anything in-between.
• Assist with trips to the bathroom
• Assign cubbies(overheads)to store belongings.
• Serve apple juice.
• Teach how to tie neckerchiefs

The last one might stretch the truth as to what went down during my own preschool years. But if I had studied the art of fun neck wear tying when I was four… I am certain that I might have chosen a career 35,000 miles up in the air. And by that, I mean operating a unicorn dude ranch in the sky.

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