September 4th, 2009
I think the subway gets a bad rap. Sure, it’s not glamorous but there is something to be said that 99% of the time I find that the passengers are remarkably courteous and there tends to be a general sense of harmony. It’s pretty phenomenal considering the diversity. It’s almost like a reality show premise: “Let’s take people of every race, religion, sexual preference and lock them in a steel electric railway car that zooms through underground tunnels."
Yesterday I was cruising on the underground choo choo train and began eavesdropping in on a conversation between two 14 year old boys. It was just a paella of awkwardness and it became increasingly clear to me that I have never been a 14 year old boy.Prepubescent’s horror really is God’s cruel joke and college must be our reward for surviving puberty. Everything is physically and emotionally out of wack and someone figured that this is the time to be handed keys to a car. “Mikey is covered with zits, irritable, self conscious about his awkward body and cracking voice and filled with rage.…I think he should be operating heavy machinery."
It became a bit too painful to continue listening to Zack and Scooter’s grievances. I started perusing my neighbor’s New York Post and nausea continued. My only option was to read a poster across from me for Bowlmore Lanes. Their marketing angle is Celebrities Bowl With Us.” “Ethan Hawk, Matthew Broderick.…Rudolph Giuliani.”I was glad that they didn’t overlook Rudy because I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thought “You know, I’d really like to bowl with that guy.”
Then right as nothing(besides my fingernails) seemed to be capturing my attention... God spoke to me. Well, not directly. A very passionate man on the subway was kind enough to pass along the message.God and I have had a bit of a turbulent relationship over the past few year and he was curious as to why I wasn’t returning his texts. We used to be real tight. I’d refer to him as “God-Dawg.” But I felt like he wasn’t really stepping up to the plate so I just needed a “break.” I feel like we’ll end up together in the long run.I just needed some space to flirt with other higher powers. I’ve been feeling that it’s about that time to stop playing “hard to get” and reestablish my connection with God. I needed some questions answered so I figured that the subway preaching conduit could relay my inquiries to the deity. I asked if he would be my channel and he replied that he’d be happy to “do me the solid.”
Questions for God:
Why did you cancel Arrested Development?
Why does Al Roker have celebrity status when he is a nasty man with zero talent and sex appeal?
How does a Bill become a Law?
Why are there so many commercials about yogurt that keep middle age women’s digestive tracks in order?
Is testing makeup on animals really that bad? Have you seen what a little mascara can do for a bunny?
Aren’t the Pope and Klan members essentially wearing the same thing?
Why do you allow people to dress up in chicken costumes?
Homosexuals get the Gay Pride Parade. Can heterosexuals have a “Straight Shame March?”
The questions were just flowing through me like rapid fire and my new “between worlds” friend looked winded. I could have kept going but my stop was approaching. I felt so cleansed. Space had been cleared. I figure that God will arrange for another “chance” meeting with "Mr. Sure the Lord chats it up with me.” And if you want to know the answers…join us at Fox for next week’s episode of “UNDERGROUND REALITY!”