Day 50 - Ask Jax - Part 1

September 27th, 2009

This is the first installment of my "Ask Jax" series. I'm open to answering any of your pressing inquiries. Any topic. I can't guarantee instant publication, but I will hold onto all questions and attempt to answer them at some point during my 365 day blog entry challenge. Remember there are no stupid questions. Just stupid people who ask questions.

Question - Thanks j. My question is "Why?" Just "Why?" and if we're allowed two questions, I'd also like to know "how?"
Jeremy Shedrow, Atlanta, Georgia

Jax’s Answer - Existentialists have been philosophizing over this quandary for quite some time. We’ll begin with your second question. Clearly you want to know “HOW Fabio has a career? Well Jeremy Shedrow, the Italian male fashion model claimed fame in the romance world for appearing on hundreds of romance book covers. The first of which was “Hearts Aflame” in 1987. We read that in book club. Remember? Oh, you also ask “ WHY did he suffer a one-inch cut on his nose after a bird hit him while riding the new Apollo's Chariot roller coaster at Busch Gardens Williamsburg?” Officials say that it was a premeditated “birding”. When brought in for questioning, the disgruntled feathered animal admitted to seeking revenge after being replaced by Fabio Lanzoni for the lead in the “I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" commercial.



Question - I am having trouble with this equation:
f(x)= sin2xCos2x*ln e ** y * tan(x)
Dan Verkman, Bethesda Maryland

Jax’s answer – The bus made 9 stops.



Question - Why do certain groups of people talk so loudly on the subway...was that information I really needed and were they just helping me? Am I looking at a positive and seeing a negative...should I have joined in using the "n" word over and over and over , recounting the Karma Sutra positions used earlier on in the day, degraded the handicapped elderly man, who just wanted a seat?? I guess I have forgotten the fun of late night public transport...help Jax!! I need an answer! I think I had the Grandma look of disapproval all over my face for 55 blocks...without your help it may get stuck!!! -
Ruth Kabat Thomas - New York, NY

Jax’s Answer - If you had paid closer attention, you would have seen that the offender was actually Grandma causing the entire ruckus. For her 90th birthday, I am making a t-shirt for all of us that reads “My grandma went on the New York City subway, degraded a handicapped elderly man, dropped some "N" bombs and shared some dope Karma Sutra positions ….AND all I got was this stupid t-shirt.”



Question - Why don't people give the spork the respect it deserves? I mean, in registering for wedding gifts, which - I also think we should do for our yearly birthdays, I saw no Vera Wang or Kate Spade sporks!!!"
Emily Fitch, Charlotte, North Carolina

Jax’s Answer - I share your conundrum as I’ve always felt that sporks have unjustifiably been neglected in cutlery circles. In fact, I get so heated on this topic that I was inspired to write about it in one of my first blog entries. Please refer to Day 7 – SPORKIES.



Question - Dear Jax, Why doesn't the hybrid of an orange and a lime taste delicious? Signed, Disappointed.
Christine Rague, Brazil

Jax’s Answer - Oh sweet Christine, hybrids are indeed a bold choice. Not every cross breed can attain worldwide praise and hit the red carpet like labradoodles and the turduckens. You live in Brazil, so let me break it down for you in a way that you can understand. The unfortunate citrus overload union of lime and orange will never result in a “Carnival” in your mouth. Just the act of mixing the two colors will leave us with an aesthetically unattractive brownish color. And what else is brown and gross? That’s right Bobby Brown.



Question - What turn has your life ever taken that you didn't expect? What happened by chance that changed you forever?
Page Newsom Pelphrey, Guilford CT

Jax’s Answer - My cousin Gail (who was more of big sister) passed away two years ago at 37. She was married with a 3 year old daughter, a loving pediatrician and my biggest cheerleader. She epitomized power and courage while battling cancer for three years. I spent much time with her having very candid conversations. Watching someone who knew she was going to die live so presently and fearlessly changed me forever. I still feel her.



Question - What is the meaning of life?
Fredda, Gordon , North Bergen, NJ/NYC

Jax’s Answer – Rosebud



Question - What is the appropriate action to take when you are innocently sitting in the park with your child in her stroller when the father of a father & son duo, kicking a soccer ball in a way-to-small-park-to-be-kicking-a-soccer-ball park, kicks the ball directly into the right side of your child's face? Even though he apologizes and then stupidly says "I guess it's a little dangerous sitting here!
Debbie Ross Serrano – New York, NY

Jax’s Answer - Immediately hand him a copy of my book, “Even Though You’re a Father..You’re Still a Douche”.