Thursday, September 24, 2009

Day 47 - I’m With Evil

September 24th, 2009

Last winter I passed Richard Simmons on the streets of midtown Manhattan. There really is none more sassy about weight loss than he. “Sweatin’ to the Oldies”. Brilliant stuff.

Sadly the eccentric fitness personality was not wearing his signature über short shorts on this cold day. But I’ll tell you what he was wearing. A smile. This guy truly is a caricature of a caricature and I love him. Not like run through the fields, scream it from the rooftops and let’s make a baby kind of love. I just have to give a piece of my heart to the little guy for having such fervor and commitment towards his agenda. Granted, Hitler did too. But his plan seems relatively harmless. There really is nothing inherently evil about the guy.

I hate evil people and their ugly souls. I’m blessed to be surrounded by genuinely authentic, driven and kind people. However, every now and then, I’ve gotten a glimpse of some individuals who insight the devil. My thoughts on the Prince of Darkness: I’m generally sympathetic to a powerful, evil entity who is the tempter of humankind. I “get” that he/she is just misunderstood. I just don’t appreciate when it fucks with me personally.

Blog reader. Sharing is caring. I don’t want evil to cross your path. I love you. I want to protect you from the people who have demons lurking inside their souls. Below are a few signs to look for if you suspect that someone in your life might be evil.

1)Does the person cut out letters from magazines? Beware. Evil doers love 2 things: Ransom notes and scrap booking.

2) Do they prefer bald cats?

3) If you cross paths with twin babies it is safe to assume that one of them is morally corrupt. It generally is not well received to casually ask the parents, “So which one is evil?”

4) Do they read literature entitled “Evil Enthusiast”?

5) Are they the type of person who continuously will say something mean..realize they don’t get a positive reaction..then tries to cover up by saying they’re just kidding? No, they’re evil. And an asshole.

6) Do they watch Fox news?

7) Have they described “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” as comic gold?

8) Expecting a baby? Has your spouse said, “Gosh, I hope the child has your hair and my evil.”

9) Do they say things like “The Middle East conflict is adorable! I wish I could tie a pretty red bow around the chaos and put it on my mantle. Next to the urn."

10) Have they said, “You know, Al Roker seems like a real stand up guy. I’d like to be friends with him. Perhaps share a latté.”

If the above applies to people in your life..please call me immediately. Of course, it might take me 3 to 5 business days to save you. Until my arrival, it is crucial that you play(over and over) the Richard Simmon’s DVD, “Shimmy Into Shape”. It’s like kryptonite to the evil.

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