Monday, September 28, 2009

Day 51 - Ask Jax - Part 2

September 28th, 2009

Question - What's the best TP tactic - fold or crumple?
Brian Levy Dallas, Texas

Jax’s Answer – Brian, I consider myself a bit of a toilet paper connoisseur. When participating in the sacred art of wipage, I feel the wiper should put great thought and care into the shape of their TP to create an experience that is memorable on a regular(hopefully if you’re healthy)basis. It should not be a decision made in haste. Remember, you’re sending a message to your derriere that says “Hey, I care about you. We’re in this together.” I highly suggest using the Japanese art form of origami when choosing your tactic. Luckily I befriended a very delightful Benihana chef who was more than happy to teach me how to make a delicate toilet paper swan. If you’re interested, I’d be happy to get you in touch with Yasashiku. Your steak chicken combo will be discounted if you tell him that you’re impressed with the size of his Hibachi.

Question - Dear Jax...You watch commercials, right? I'm assuming so.... and so you've seen the Cialis commercial with 2 middle-aged persons on the top of the hill in separate bath tubs. Well, Cialis is for Erectile Dysfunction (or "penis problems") if the medicine was working properly, wouldn't the 2 people need to SHARE the tub? This has me in a quandary....
Claire Evans Adams, Raleigh, NC

Jax’s Answer – I know someone who is the sister of the roommate of the exchange student of the key grip who worked on that commercial. Here’s what I found out for you: There is actually a "third party” underwater in the man’s bath (well hidden by the bubbles.) If you look closely, you can see the snorkel. Cialis is also effective if you ever have the urge to drag your bathtub up a hill.

- Question - How on earth do you get the guts, courage, chutzpah to stand up and be funny in front of crowds of often inebriated and sometimes rather impolite strangers?
Melissa J Peltier , Nyack, NY

Jax’s Answer – My goal has always been to connect with the audience. If I come from that place, I don’t find that I get unwelcomed disturbances from the crowd. Audiences are generally on the side of the comedian. A few weeks ago I was doing a set at a show where another comedian was getting heckled. The performer gave the annoying audience member too much power by engaging him for too long. The next comedian asked the guy (who was below par on the looks scale) if he had a girlfriend. It was rather mean spirited and he continued to get heckled. I was next and was prepared for the same scenario. I decided to go in a totally different direction and began just praising the guy. He was caught off guard and remained quiet for my entire set. Granted, when I walked off the stage he told me, “I like you. You look like Vanna White.” Regardless, the most important comedy improvisational rule (and in my opinion, life rule) held true: If you make someone look good, you look good.

Question –Are ghosts real? If so, do they watch us shower? When we sex? Are they just pervs? Answer - Should I (stop teasing them when i get nekkid?)
Zachary B Atkinson – Wilmington, North Carolina

Jax’s Answer – It’s really just a matter of perspective when dealing with disembodied spirits or souls. Generally they don’t cross over until they complete some unfinished business. It seems as if you might sense apparitions when you’re in very exposed and vulnerable situations. I am not able to speak to ghosts but I did some research since you’re a loyal reader. I contacted Maria, a reputable psychic that I learned about on television in the middle of the night. I called her 1-900 number and asked her about your inquiry. She explained (in broken English) that some recently deceased perverted hottie wanted to shower and have sex with you. Sadly, she never had the chance. There’s good news because Maria provides a variety of services. Once you give her your credit card number, she’d be more than happy to send over one of her employees named Amber. This retired stripper will act as a “vessel” for the ghost and you could help the naughty hot girl fulfill her Zach fanatasies so she can venture to the other side. It would truly be a “paranormal mitzvah.”

Question - Want to hang out sometime?
Scott Garrison New York, NY

Jax’s answer - I assume you mean celebrate New Kids on the Block’s 1988 album “Hangin' Tough”. Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

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