September 6th, 2009
Questions that I would answer “no” to:
1) Didn’t we used to tailgate together in college?
2) Would you like to join me for a really moving John Tesh concert?
3) Have you ever dressed up in a giant chicken costume?
Let’s run with # 3 ...
Mascots of all sorts SCARE the hell out of me.
Actually any “live” oversized, furry or hairless creature, symbol or person with an exaggerated smile causes me nervous shivery apprehension.
My fearful uneasiness goes back to a trip to Disney World when I was four years old. One of the “costumed” seven dwarfs(who ironically happened to be ginormous) was taunting my brother. I don’t even have a very clear memory of what exactly went down but I think the McDwarf put his giant shirt over my brother’s head causing him to justifiably freak out. Seeing my big brother freak out ..caused me to freak out. The weird thing is that i’m not 100% sure if this incident really happened. Either way, I have firmly held onto some real or altered memory of the traumatic episode. Evil dwarf combined with me being tickled by a giant Elmo last Halloween has just confirmed that there is no space in my energy field for these beings or entities.
No one aspires to be a questionable giant masked person, animal, or thing. “What do you wanna be when you grow up Timmy?” “I’d like to dress up as a mountain lion and run around a football field inspiring enthusiasm and glee. It’s sure to get me laid.” Even though Timmy’s “uniform” will imply that he possesses a jovial spirit…he will undoubtedly grow up to be a man who is crying on the inside.
I saw a chicken suited individual passing out flyers the other today and I absorbed that someone actually gets paid to wear that thing. What's fascinating is that there is a person that did not have what it takes to land the job of spokeschicken. What becomes of him? I fear that “Mr. not good enough for feathered costume” might have an irrational response that could inspire an after school special that will warn today's youth that such a rejection could lead to death and destruction. It can be called "Eggscentric". The height of the production will show the disgruntled chicken reaching his boiling point and grabbing an AK-47 and going on a bloody shooting rampage at what should have been his place of employment. A lot of chickens will die that day. The overall message would be: "Kids, playing with dairy is never the answer."