September 2nd, 2009
Sophomore year at the University of Georgia I was driving in the car with my college roommates, Laura and Joanna. I was sitting in the back seat and came across Laura’s bicycle helmet. Of course I had to immediately put it on. Who wouldn’t? Then inside that protective headgear and even further inside my special brain, an idea was birthed: All massive head wounds could be prevented if people would just wear helmets at all times. AT ALL TIMES. I shared this with the girls..at first they laughed..then there was a short pause and then they simultaneously admitted, “You know, that’s actually a good idea.” Nice. Validation. Just what artists love.
Helmet wisdom has already been applied to obvious endeavors like hockey, motorcycling and football. But I’m certain that much pain and potential serious injury can absolutely be avoided if we wore them while we’re driving, having a bar brawl and participating in kinky sex. Sure doubt me. But don’t come to me bleeding after you were hit by an armoire that fell out of a window right as you were walking by. The benefits to permanent helmet wearing can positively alter existence as we know it.
Severe anxiety in the world of haircare will be obliterated. Guys. Suffer from male pattern baldness? Who cares. The hot girl that you’ve been eying in the elevator will have no idea. Ladies. Getting your roots done every 4-6 weeks? Now you have a 4-6 month grace period. Although you are still in the position of explaining why the carpet doesn’t match the drapes. Cross that bridge when you get to it.
Common dialogue will even turn helmet-centric. If you see a cute girl at the bar at TGIF , you can approach her with this “ he’s got game“ pick up line. “I couldn’t help but notice your helmet. It really accentuates your neck.” I guarantee that within three minutes you’ll be sharing potato skins. Within 3 hours you’ll be rubbing helmets. Within 3 months..married and pregnant with helmet wearing fetus. Baby is born. Visitor comes over and raves that the child “really has his father’s helmet.”
This trend will inspire never before seen risk taking. Crowd surfing won’t be limited to the more adventurous entertainers. Above our heads, we will be supporting the weight and passing the bodies of Barry Manilow, Obama and Betty White
Helmet mania will sweep the nation..the world. Every country can still excerpt their national pride through varying symbolic styling options. French helmets come with berets, Canadians with patches and maple leaves, Irish are equipped with convenient beer holder with a hose to their mouth. The Israeli Palestinian conflict will come to a resolution when they arrive at the peaceful reality that we are all just the same people..wearing helmets.
It’s just win win. Well, most of the time. There was one glitch when terminal helmet wearing failed us in the annals of history..Darth Vader. Having a protected head offered him a longer span of ruthless, dark and frowned upon hobbies. Word on the helmet blog was that this antagonist was spared severe head wounds after tripping on his cape and falling down a spiral staircase in his TIE fighter.
BUT overall, I hope that I have presented a convincing argument and we can initiate helmet permanency by all holding hands and running headfirst into a brick wall.