September 25th, 2009
Today is a stream of consciousness entry. I've prepared no outline for this blog so i will just jump right in. When I started my 365 day writing challenge, I made a promise to always be honest with you. Well today is day 48 and I’m having some anxiety. It’s not debilitating but I’m feeling a bit dim. We all suffer from the bullshit scripts that we create in our head. It’s not real. I’m fabulous at being the voice of reason and telling my friends that these hypothetical stories that we tell ourselves are worthless fiction. I’ve been at the bottom looking up and I’ve been at the top looking down. For better or for worse, I have a wide range of feelings to compare my present mood to. I could feel worse. I could feel better.
I have this “special” quality. My friend Danny tells me, “Jax, you’re a feeler.” Most creative people are and it’s a blessing and curse. We all are the sum of our life experiences and I do understand the significance of ambiguity. We have to have our blah days for a frame of reference that helps us recognize the joy when life shines brighter. But riding through unpleasantness isn’t so fun. Logically, I know what I have to do. For me, surrounding myself with positive people and releasing some angst through creative endeavors consistently proves to be quite healing. I’d be lying if I told you that I’m the poster child for self help and always make an immediate commitment to turn my mood around . Perhaps there is some wisdom to just sitting with what is contributing to feeling off unbalance. But marinating in it is the worse type of punishment that we can impose on ourselves. The challenge is for us to be in control of dimness and not allow it control us. So easy to say.
Yesterday I mentioned the joie de vivre of Richard Simmons. Sure, I can interpret his essence as sunshine because I’ve only experienced his manic vibe on television and seemingly pleasant demeanor one time on the street. But I don’t jade myself. Anyone who is that chipper is masking some well hidden demon filled dark side. This is why I can’t live in LA. I’d miss the rainy days where I’m given permission to hibernate. No questions asked. That city is like a giant over lit sound stage where people eat a lot of fish tacos.
A relative of mine is married with the lovely family and living in a lovely house in a lovely southern town. If you ask him how life is, he will, without hesitation, reply, “Livin’ the dream.” And he is living his dream. No doubt. I’ve accepted that the capacity for one’s happiness ranges and the scope is wide. For me, I need to fill a jug. Some people need to fill a thimble.
The people that I gravitate towards tend to be unique, fascinatingly complicated and evolved. The principles of the laws of attraction have held true. Everyone in our lives is an exact mirror of where and who we we are on our particular journey. This philosophy helps me keep the faith because I like who I’m drawing in. So, thank you people in my life. I can ride through the angst ridden days in stride because your reflection reminds me that I am on the right path for me and “livin’ my dream."