Day 37 - HARMONY VS ADDICT

September 14th, 2009

Voice Over:
Welcome to the Who Gets to Date the Guy Whose Not that Great to Begin with Game. Before we bring out our lucky mediocre bachelor, let’s meet the women who will try to win him over. First we have Miss Harmony Dosha. She works for a nonprofit that evaluates and develops sustainable approaches to enhancing people's health and well-being in underprivileged nations. In her free time she likes to keep her chi in flow by doing visualization, Vinyasa yoga and practicing forgiveness.

Harmony
Hello. Namaste

Voice Over
And Namaste to you. Our next contestant is Lotti Addictions

Addict
(Wearing a shirt that says Yoga is for Pussies!)
Please, call me Addict.

Voice Over
You got it! “Addict” is currently unemployed due to her need to fill an empty dark void with such things as alcohol, gambling, food, sex, pornography, exercise, Sudoku, shopping, cutting and watching LOST.

Addict
(Very charismatically high fives people in front row)
Yeah!

Voice Over
Now let’s meet our incredibly average bachelor. His name is Bob Jones, he never left his hometown, makes several spreadsheets a day at his 9 to 5 job, loves a good burger and has a really cool recliner chair.

Bob
My Lazy Boy is sweet!

Voice Over
Nice. Bob has prepared a series of questions for the ladies. Let’s see who will win his heart on Who Gets to Date the Guy Whose Not that Great to Begin with Game!

Bob
Hey there girls

Harmony
Hello Robert

Addict
Hey ‘sup Bob

Bob
The first question is for Harmony. If you could have dinner with a famous person, dead or alive, who would you choose and why?

Harmony
Beautiful question. Now does this include angels, ascended masters, ghosts, and space aliens?

Bob
Sure. That’s cool.

Harmony
I’m going to have to say that I would want to have dinner with myself.

Bob
Nice..with yourself. Hot

Harmony
My devotion to mind, body and spiritual work continues to remind me that I am Godlike and I must love myself to achieve my Karmic purpose here on earth. God is inside all of us Bob. We just have to be open enough to explore our barriers in order to be in sync with nature and ignite our true light.

Addict
(Turns to Harmony with a cigarette )
Do you have a light?

Bob
Thank you Harmony. Now Addict. Can you tell me what our perfect first date would be?

Addict
Well Bob, Bobster…Bobbay. We would head to a sad rustic bar at 3PM on a weekday. There would probably be a lot of older gruff sailor looking men there. You would buy me many rounds of well vodka and soda, we’d chain smoke, laugh and I would quickly transform into the life of the party. After the drinks and a raunchy public make out session, I would need to continue feeding my compulsive disorders by inviting myself back to your apartment for an all-nighter of dirty, naughty Skinamax type sex.

Bob
Nice! Addict you sound just delightful and so much fun.

Addict
I really am Bob...well,..until the next morning or when my high wears off. I’ll wake up woozy knowing that my physical and psychological dependencies have once again resulted in behavior that fills me with shame and a hollow coldness at the core of my soul. I know the only way to overcome this unbearable low would be for us to head to a brunch consisting of unlimited Bloody Mary’s before we head to the Off Track Betting.

Harmony
(Taking Addict's Hand)
That’s so sad. Let me teach you some meditations,Tai Chi and other resources to deal with these addictions in a way that is in flow with your life force. It works if you work it so work it its worth it.

Bob
Harmony. Shut your new age pie hole. Now Addict, to be clear. If we were to do the Bloodies and the OTB, I would absolutely be guaranteed one more night of meaningless “filling your void” sex before I never called you again?

Addict
Indeed. Oh Bob. It’s like you know me better than I know myself. Let’s get outta here

(Bob comes out)

Bob
(Looks at a very strung out Addict)
Score

Harmony
I have to say that I am so saddened by this unnatural display of working against the collective consciousness that supports that we are all spiritually interconnected and can change the world if you both would just allow your frozen heart chakras to melt like a peaceful and loving river.

Addict
Sure misery does like company…but while you’re busy eating kale and repeating positive affirmations, I don’t have to be lonely tonight because Pedro chose me.


Bob
Bob

Addict
Shut up...I’m strung out on anxiolytics, hypnotics and anticonvulsants.

Harmony
(Breathing deeply)
I choose not to match this anger. I choose not to match this anger. I choose not to match this anger. I choose not to match this anger….

Addict
Alright. Keep loving yourself because that's all you have for now.

Bob
(To Harmony)
Word

Addict
(To Bob)
Shut up

(Addict and Bob walk off. Harmony is left alone on stage. She picks up her guitar and starts to play "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"...then she is abruptly interrupted by "peppy" beach music and Go-Go dancers as the credits roles.)

Voice Over
Thank you for joining us for Who Gets to Date the Guy Whose Not that Great to Begin with Game! We’d like to thank our sponsor, Illiteracy. Remember America: Reading isn’t what it’s cracked up to be! See you next week when two disturbed ladies try to win the affection of a can of Tab.

THE END