Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 53 - Hair-licious!

September 30th, 2009

I had a very brief stint of guitar playing in college. Yeah, I had some rock star fantasies. Like you didn’t? It’s a shame that I didn’t stick with the instrument because I have pretty good female singer/songwriter hair. Depending on the day and the weather, I tend to exhibit two looks. Marcia Brady or Bon Jovi circa ’86. Hair(or lack thereof) has proven to be a barometer that we use while attempting to navigate and judge our way through the human experience. Hair even found itself to be the title of the legendary musical. Clearly the protein filament that grows through the epidermis would inspire groups of political hippies of the "Age of Aquarius" to fight against conscription into the Vietnam War.

It’s important to note that hair assists in the deciphering of our own “sexibility” and that of others. It’s my understanding that men with receding hairlines interpret their growing forehead with a lessening of getting laid. I do give a lot of credit to bald men who own their lack of head coverage. Mr. Clean found a respectable niche. So skinheads, you had the option of becoming a spokes model for a multi-surface liquid cleaner. Shame on you for taking the hate crime route. You know, there are different organized social clubs out there for your kind. Um, Hair Club for Men. Instead of burning crosses, you can burn the illusion that you need to ignite crosses in lawns forever. There’s really no future in that.

As far as the female persuasion, word on the street is that blonds have more fun. Also, ladies with over teased mall hair imply that they are willing to offer up the goods pretty easily. Therefore, blonds with hairspray collections are the top contenders for the “Living a Happy and Productive Life with STD’s” public service announcement. It would be unruly for me not to mention my thoughts on waxing. My thorough analysis can be perused at Day 12 - Wax-achment.

Last night, I found one of my long blond hairs in my dinner. I should really wear a hair net when I cook. Just run with that visual. I would put my brother and sister-in-law under the neat freak umbrella. When my nephew was born last year, I thought it would be helpful if I bought him a baby hair net or a baby doo-rag(just in case he were to join a baby gang.) I decided against it and went with a bib with a picture of the band Kiss. Is there a hair double standard? It’s good to have hair on our head, yet viewed as despicable when it resides in our food. Let’s talk eyebrows. Shouldn’t we raise one of these for easily accepting the normality of having two random patches of hair above our eyes? However, those who don’t have them look bizarre(to the delight of the folks in the eyebrow liner pencil industry.)

Hair affects the day to day of animals as well. How come humans don’t get hairballs? If you’re reading my blog..I know that you’ve indulged in a “self licking bath” at some point. It's really quite refreshing. Watching a cat about to vomit a tight elongated pack of fur is a disturbing sight to see. Imagine Garfield having a violent seizure. Poor standard poodles and those emasculating haircuts. I was at the dog park and saw one of these ridiculously coiffed creatures being made fun of by the other dogs. It broke my heart. I guess it’s worth mentioning Chia Pets in our animal portion of this blog. Have you ever met anyone in the market for animal-shaped figurines that sprout vegetated fur? Just typing about these things gives me the heebie jeebies.

I’m going to leave you with this televised hair related observation. Every CSI show(from New York to Duluth) seems to cast a very long lush haired woman as the lab researcher looking for the tiniest fibers and particles to identify the “perp.” Not once have I seen her beauty pageant mane pulled back or capped off with a hairnet. When I am hired to write for the show, be prepared to find this is the script.“Well, what do you know, this is my hair. I guess I killed the manager at the Dairy Queen.”

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