Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Day 31 - Juan Valdez is Smokin' Hot

September 8th, 2009

I avoided a momentous tragic event this morning. I was in the process of making my morning coffee and then I realized that I had run out of filters. The logical response would have been to run down the street and buy the overpriced coffee at the fancy shmancy cafe. I don’t apologize for spending what should be my retirement money on liquid crack. I simply can’t skimp on coffee, jeans & bedding. But I was expecting an important call from LA on my land line (how bad ass does that sound?) so I was stuck in my apartment undrugged. My initial response was to situate myself in a rocking fetal position in the shower. Miraculously through the catastrophic distress, I was blessed with the idea of using a paper towel as the filter. Sigh…contentment ensued. You know why? I’m like MacGyver with estrogen.

Here’s the deal. I look forward to my coffee the night before. It’s the only thing that I’m addicted to…that’s legal…for now. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had a dream about getting beamed into the CNN newsroom to share a croissant and enjoy the taste and aroma of gourmet coffee with Wolf Blitzer.

Coffee can even be attached to heart touching philanthropic events. To the dismay of many loyal customers, Joe Jr’s diner recently shut their doors. This old school village established pulled the mitzvah of all mitzvahs during the blackout of 2003. Coffee addicts were unable to get their fix due to the massive electrical outage. Well J. Jr’s operated on gas and were handing out free coffees on 6th avenue. Briefly before the diner pulled the solids of all solids, physiologically and psychologically dependent folks briefly lived in a world where coffee went away. And it wasn’t pretty.

In the real world, coffee doesn’t discriminate. Its an equal opportunist addiction allowing people of all races, religions and economical statuses to indulge in its javany goodness. Yet television commercials imply that only upper middle class white people drink this brewed beverage and always end up having intimate taster choice moments. A friend of mine sent me a YouTube clip of a 20 yr old coffee commercial that always struck a chord with me.

2 upper middle class women(whiteys of course) are looking at old pictures as they sip a lovely Hazelnut Belgium Blend:

Woman 1 – These pictures are great
Woman 2 – They really are..what does this one remind you of?
Woman 1 - Senior year…Paris…that coffee shop…
Woman 2 – Who was that Waiter?
Both - JEAN LUC!!!!

(Song – “Celebrate the moments of your life coffee…sha la la…”)

Take it from someone who spent a semester abroad, Jean Luc was celebrating the moments of his life when he had a kinky 3-way with 2 naïve American girls.

What about prisoners? You know they’re drinking coffee. In fact, they probably committed the crime because that was the week they were trying to quit the stuff.

I’d like to see a commercial where 2 prisoners have a tender moment:

Prisoner 1 - You know Paco, this Vienna Blend really takes me back to capping Jimmie in the alley during the LA riots.
Prisoner 2 - (aka Paco) - Solid


Oh Blog Reader. Ohhhh you…. come saunter over to me. I just want to thank you for reading and in a gesture of sincere appreciation I would like to celebrate the moments of our lives together and enjoy an intimate cup of General Foods international Coffee with YOU. Here's your mug that says "World's Greatest Blog Reader." So come cuddle with me over a succulent French Roast and we can be as happy as white people in coffee commercials.

No comments:

Post a Comment