November 8th, 2009
The Past That Bites You In The Ass!
By Jacqueline Kabat and Kenny Wade Marshall
(Gay Christopher and fag hag Sheila and film crew inside fancy NY apartment)
Sheila: Hi, I’m Sheila Jaffee!
Christopher: And I’m Christopher Lemmel! And we’re here in New York City’s
Both: Upper-West Side!
Sheila: Victor and Bernadette Smith-Bouvier have finally reached that time in their lives where everything is coming together..
Christopher: Victor just made junior partner at Weinstein-Weinstein-Weinstein & Gentile!
Sheila: Bernadette has found success with her at home business, Denim for Doggies, her own exclusive line of acid wash jean shorts for miniature canine breeds.
Christopher: God, I wish I had four legs!
Sheila: Silly Christopher! Word on the Equinox Sauna Blog is that you might just have three!
Christopher: Sheila! But, back to Victor and Bernadette!
Sheila: Due to the miracle of fertility drugs
Both: And selective reduction
Christopher: They’ve just had twins!
Sheila: And we’re about to give them the surprise of a lifetime!
Christopher: We’ve bribed their doorman
Sheila: Into letting us into their Junior 4
Christopher: on West 78th Street!
(Sheila opens the refrigerator door of the Smith-Bouvier kitchen making herself at home.)
Sheila: They’re just about to return from their fun day at the Museum of Natural History.
Moo-Goo-Gia Pan Christopher?
Christopher: Thanks Sheila! Victor and Bernadette have no idea that we are even here!
Sheila: I hear a key in the door!
(Victor and Bernadette Smith-Bouvier enter each holding a baby.Bernadette has red hair..just make a note of that)
Victor: What a lovely day sweetheart.
Bernadette: I know honey. We started out doing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
Victor: And that was certainly a nice acceptance letter that the twins got in the mail.
Bernadette: What a relief that they are going to the most exclusive private high school in Manhattan.
Victor: Yeah. Class of 2021.
(Sheila and Christopher burst out of hiding together.)
Both: And your days about to get better!
Victor: What the F---?
Bernadette: Who are you? How did you get into our apartment?
Sheila: I’m Sheila Jaffee!
Christopher: And I’m Christopher Lemmel!
(Bernadette and Victor begin to notice the cameras.)
Bernadette: Oh My God!
Victor: We’re on TV!
Both: Yes, you are!!
Bernadette: You’re here for the HGTV free nursery upgrade! Oh, I just knew it!
Victor: Even though they said our ridiculously high income made us ineligible.
Sheila: Oh, guess again, Victor and Bernadette Smith-Bouvier!
Christopher: Although your current lifestyle has turned into what you dreamed it would be,
Sheila: We’ve got a tape of what you were doing in 1983!
Bernadette: What? 1983?
Sheila: Bernie, that’s the years between 1982 and 1984.
Victor: I think you best be leavin' now. Hand over the Moo-Goo-Gia Pan!
Christopher: Sheila, the tape.
Sheila: Christopher, you bet!
Both: Cause it’s time for….
(Sound Cue IN)
Voice-Over: The Past That Bites You In The Ass! This week’s episode, Victor Smith-Bouvier.
(Sound Cue OUT)
Christopher & Sheila: Play.
Voice-Over: After having an all night fraternity pledge event at Cornell which involved making love to various barnyard animals, Victor Smith-Bouvier consequently failed his Early Irish American History midterm due to lack of sleep and a mild case of scurvy. Professor McGuiness had no sympathy for young Victor Smith-Bouvier’s plight. To avenge his failing grade, young Victor Smith-Bouvier drugged her with rubber cement and forced her against her will to visit every North Eastern miniature golf course on the eastern seaboard.
This was followed by even more sadistic behavior on the part of young Victor Smith-Bouvier as he subjected a defenseless McGuiness into bad food and horrific entertainment at Chucky Cheese’s chain restaurants in a three state radius. As a result, Professor Connie McGuiness, Ph.D., was found dead by an attendant underneath the skee-ball machine as he attempted to refill the ticket dispenser. At the scene authorities noticed that she had been gagged with a red Putt-Putt standard issue windmill golf ball. On her forehead was scribed Rouge Ripper in what appeared to be marinara sauce. The “I” was dotted with a pepperoni.
Voice-Over: What resulted was a series of baffling murders committed against ginger women by Victor Smith-Bouvier, otherwise known as the Rouge Ripper.
(Christopher and Sheila stop the tape.)
Sheila: I smell Oscar!
Christopher: You can say that again Sheila!
Bernadette: But, wait. How can my husband be the Rouge Ripper? Look at me. (Points to red hair)
Christopher: Even the most seasoned
Christopher: Serial killer knows….
Both: Sometimes the carpet doesn’t match the drapes!
Victor: They’re right on both accounts honey. I have been responsible for the murders of 42 red headed women in the 80’s, 90’s, and most recently, twenty-five minutes ago in the paleontology exhibit at the Museum of Natural History.
Bernadette: Well, that’s just great. What are the other mothers at Gymboree going to think?
Christopher: Well, Mrs. Smith-Bouvier, sorry to say….
Sheila: That’s not our problem and we’ve gotta be on our way!
Christopher: We’re about to tell an upper-eastside socialite that her real-estate tycoon husband
Sheila: has been laundering money from the American Cancer Society
Christopher: FUN! Well, it looks like the two of you have a lot to talk about. Right, Sheila?
Sheila: Silly Christopher! I know it’s hard to say goodbye to us. That’s why we’re going to leave you with
Christopher: Christopher Lemmel and Sheila Jaffee sing your favorite folklore hits from the French Indian War, Volume II.
Sheila: Very popular in Europe.
(Christopher and Sheila hand the Smith-Bouviers a copy of the CD. They Exit. They both re-enter)
Christopher: Oh, almost forgot something!
(Christopher takes the Moo-Goo-Gye Pan.)
Bernadette: Well, that explains the missing Irish nanny incident. Thanks Victor. It’s so hard to find a decent fucking nanny I could just die!
Vincent: Would you do that for me?
(Lights slowly fade out.)